Evolving Self

Remember when you were little and the big people of the world looked down at you and said, "What do you want to be when you grow up?” And then you would answer without any doubt exactly what you were going to do. For me it was a marine biologist. I loved to swim and I loved animals and I wanted to be far away from home. As I got older I figured it would be more practical to go to school in town. MWSU, of course, doesn't have a program for Marine Biologists...so out went that dream. Isn't it always like that? We make decisions because of what's practical, or affordable, or reasonable and they're not always decisions that we make with passion. Well if you ask me today what I want to be when I grow up I will tell you, "I don't have a damn clue."

What I do know is that I'm working in a place now that I don't love. I don't hate it either. It's a great grown up job. I set my own hours, I have 4 weeks of vacation a year, and everyone is really nice. There's possibility for advancement, my boss is super nice and the work isn't too hard. Some grown-ups pray for my kind of job. I guess I'm not a grown up.

I have a lot of passion in the middle of my soul to do something that fills me up everyday. I love my kiddos but any parent will tell you it's not enough. I have a huge sense of self duty. I want to help people. I want to do something important for the community. I want to LOVE what I do and do what I LOVE. It's a curse some days. Sometimes I get enough motivation to actually start something, like my non-profit, The Hope Chest, but my ideas fail because I don't have enough support...whether financially or physically. I keep coming to the realization that my motivation and will aren't enough in this world. You have to have money and time and you have to somehow create them yourself despite the obstacles. I love my children but they create a barrier in life. I am limited to what I do because of them, at least for a certain amount of time. But I can’t keep using them as an excuse when there are so many women out there doing it all. I just don’t want to sacrifice my time with my kids. It doesn’t seem worth it.

My current thinking evolves around getting my own business started. I have a GREAT business idea. I know everyone says that but my idea is something that the community needs and does not have. It's something that has no current competition. I think there is a great potential for growth and I think parents will be immediately drawn to it. I am not getting too excited; I'm merely exploring the idea by attending a New Business seminar in Saint Joseph next month. I will let you know how that goes.

Until that update just remember that your biggest obstacle in life is 100% ALWAYS yourself. If you hear a voice in your head say, "I can't do this," (I don’t know about you, but I hear it A LOT) slap yourself and say out loud..."No. Maybe I CAN do this."

Father's Day

This is a late father’s day blog… but what they hey, you’re used to waiting for me. If you know me you know that I can not say happy Father’s day to my own father. Quite honestly he’s taught me what a man not ought to be. I do, however, love him and miss the good parts of him but every Fathers Day since we stopped communicating I hold my head a little lower and wish I could have been a real daddy’s girl. But…if anything… I think he did a little better job at raising my sister and I then his parents did and I’m going to do a lot better then they did.

On a happy note there is a man in my life who is a responsible, loving, fun-having dad. His name is Charles and he’s wonderful.  Briana will always be daddy’s little girl and Hudson will always have a strong male figure to look up to. He teaches them by example to be tough and wise, how to respect yourself , and how to respect women. If my kids turn out to be anything like their dad they will be clean, on time, baseball playing, hard working machines. Of course they will also be smart, creative, and patient like their mother. J

Parenting is the hardest job in the world. I can’t imagine doing it without him.

 

 

That I Would Be Good- My Blog Makeover

If you still read my blog you must have noticed that it's blue now and I changed the name. I treat my blog like I treat my life. I have to change it up a bit. I kind of let myself down and gave up on blogging about my weight and nutrition and so on. But that's not to say that I haven't made any changes and that I'm not going to throw it updates here and there. I'm just not good at being exclusive in my writing. Also I think if I had to choose my biggest "flaw" it would be my self confidence. That's why I chose the name, "That I Would Be Good." It's a song by Alanis Morissette that I just discoverd recently. If you haven't heard it go look it up right now. The lyrics don't do any justice on their own. I think a lot of girls feel this way sometimes.

that i would be good even if i did nothing
that i would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that i would be good if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good even if i gained ten pounds

that i would be fine even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if i was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing

that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i'm overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy

that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good whether with or without you

The message here is that I'm good no matter what. But it only matters if you believe it yourself. So that's the new theme of my blog. That's my new purpose for writing.

Still Learning to be a Mom

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I forgot to remember that four year olds are nearly the most unpredictable creatures on this planet.


Sunday was the day of Briana’s dance recital. I was ready. All of Charles’s family came, the DVD and pictures were ordered, the tickets were bought, the video camera was ready. She did so well at the dress rehearsal on Friday that I didn’t even think twice about how she would act once we got there. You can see where I’m going with this. Dramatic and sad story short, Briana did not go on stage.

 I am ashamed to say that I tried everything. For 20 minutes I bribed her with candy, toys, swimming, and going places I had no intention of taking her…because I knew I would reward her in some way once she was done. Then I threatened her with naps and time out and no swimming lessons. I literally had no idea what to do. I was so desperate to get her on stage, not only for my sake but for the sake of her teachers and everyone who worked so hard to put on this show. Still hoping there was a chance (but knowing it wouldn’t happen) I walked with her all the way to backstage, where moms normally aren’t allowed. I had to quiet Briana down several times because every time I asked her to go she would just squeeze me tighter and cry. The audience heard everything. Teachers delayed putting on her section of the show for three or so minutes hoping we could convince her to go or join even in the middle of the performance. Finally I just broke down and left. And by broke down, I mean me and Briana both ran to the girls bathroom, where we cried and cried.


It was actually pretty humiliating to leave the back stage that way, in front of all the other girls. Also, I’m not one of those moms that make a huge deal out of nothing.  And I’m not a mom who puts pressure on her kids to do something they don’t want to do. I felt ashamed for the way I had tried to get her on stage and I felt like I handled it all wrong...while at the same time having no idea how else to handle it. I was so excited to see her and so proud that it turned into a huge disappointment. And even though I felt angry and I wanted to be angry at her I knew it wasn’t her fault because she doesn’t understand what it means when other people are disappointed. I didn’t know how to handle the situation and I didn’t know what to say to her. I also didn’t know if it was appropriate for me to cry with her but I just couldn’t hold it in. 


Briana and I walked to the front of the building to wait for the rest of the family to meet us. Knowing that I still didn’t know the right thing to say to her I mostly just kept quiet and told her that “It’s not your fault but mommy is sad that you didn’t dance.”…to which Briana replied... “I’m sorry, mommy.” If you know me, you know I’m not a drama queen and I prefer to stay away from people who are. I can’t explain what came over me, other then a feeling of failure. But I’m not a failure; I’m just growing up along-side my kids. I’m so proud of her for dancing all year and on the bright side she did a great job at dress rehearsal. The whole thing was just an overly emotional dramatic experience that had nothing to do with my pretty little girl and everything to do with my learning experience as a mom.


The only advice I have for other young mothers is that you should EXPECT to fail sometimes…even in your most important jobs. Also, just go with the flow. I could have planned a little better and maybe it wouldn’t have happened but  I should have just said, “If you don’t want to go on stage…then you don’t have to go on stage. We’ll do better next time.”  I love my little stinker.

I Love May, I Love Briana

Sometimes I’m so busy in life that I not only forget to blog, I forget that I have things to blog about. May is a wonderful month isn’t it? Besides me turning 24…eesh…my beautiful, smart, funny, amazing little girl turned four years old last Saturday (huge sigh). I still remember bringing her home from the hospital and thinking… “What am I supposed to do with you now?”

A funny story…I intentionally planned my pregnancy so that she would be born in May because I actually really think there is something extra special about us May people. We’re emotional and cautious, we’re thinkers, and though people aren’t always drawn to us, we make lasting relationships to people who are important in our lives. I realize it is very silly me for me to draw those kinds of conclusions based only on the month someone is born. And I mean no offense to non-May people. I married an August man and my very best friends have birthdays all over the place. But I must say Briana is turning out to be a lot like me. This is both good and bad. I want her to be all the things I said above but I also want her to be a little less afraid of life and people in the way that I am.

 You can’t read yet, Briana, but I love you so much that I could just burst open with pride and joy. There is nothing you could say or do to make me love you less and I don’t want you to grow too fast but I so look forward to a wonderful mother-daughter-friend relationship with you. Please forgive me for over protecting you. I love you.

If You're Happy and You Know it... Then Show It

Sometimes I have a hard time making it through the day. Sometimes I’m exhausted and moody and angry because I don't have the time or money or will power to do all the things I want to do. But deep down I know it's all in my head and I just make way too much something out of nothing. I realize that so much more today.


There is a girl, whose name I will not say because she has no idea I'm writing about her, who experienced a terrible car accident in 2005. I remember seeing her face on glass jar in a gas station one day that year. It was a donation jar for her medical expenses. I didn't know it at the time but she had terrible burns that must have covered well over 70 percent of her body. She lost most of one arm and the other arm was deformed so that she didn't really have function of her hand. Her face burned also. She's no longer able to grow hair. I was best friends with this girl in elementary school. I remember thinking how terrible it was and I remember feeling sad for her but I didn't think much of it after that, and like I said I didn't realize how bad it was at the time. I was no longer connected with her and I didn't know how to reach out so I just prayed for her.


I ran across her Facebook a couple of days ago. All of her information was public. I could see pictures of what she looked like before the accident and pictures of what she looks like now. There were videos of her painful stay in the hospital and the first time she started to walk again. It's the most painful thing I've ever seen with my eyes. Not because of the way she looks now but because of all the emotional pain I could only imagine her family and friends must of felt. It's overwhelming. It's not believable.


It doesn't seem fair. But I thought what if that were me? If I'm strong enough to survive and continue with my life like she has I wouldn't want your pity. But she is amazing. In every picture she is smiling and surrounded by people who love her. She's always leaving these inspirational quotes about how we can overcome anything if we want to. I can't think of anything worse that could happen to a person. I can't think of a better outcome.


So let me ask you this. What excuse do I have? What excuse do any of us have to feel sorry for ourselves? I know I can't feel happy and perfect all of the time because I'm human but most of my emotions are felt over things I can't even control or things that won't last forever. And the things that I can control I need to just realize that I am in control whether I use it or not, instead of just feeling helpless.


So to the girl who I was best friends with in elementary school: You are amazing. You are beautiful. You are a real life miracle and I always want to be as happy as you look now.

Happy May

Happy May 4th. Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm thankful to be alive and healthy for another year. I'm mostly thankful for my beautiful family that makes it all worth living for. Aren't we the cutest bunch of nerds you've ever seen?