If You're Happy and You Know it... Then Show It

Sometimes I have a hard time making it through the day. Sometimes I’m exhausted and moody and angry because I don't have the time or money or will power to do all the things I want to do. But deep down I know it's all in my head and I just make way too much something out of nothing. I realize that so much more today.


There is a girl, whose name I will not say because she has no idea I'm writing about her, who experienced a terrible car accident in 2005. I remember seeing her face on glass jar in a gas station one day that year. It was a donation jar for her medical expenses. I didn't know it at the time but she had terrible burns that must have covered well over 70 percent of her body. She lost most of one arm and the other arm was deformed so that she didn't really have function of her hand. Her face burned also. She's no longer able to grow hair. I was best friends with this girl in elementary school. I remember thinking how terrible it was and I remember feeling sad for her but I didn't think much of it after that, and like I said I didn't realize how bad it was at the time. I was no longer connected with her and I didn't know how to reach out so I just prayed for her.


I ran across her Facebook a couple of days ago. All of her information was public. I could see pictures of what she looked like before the accident and pictures of what she looks like now. There were videos of her painful stay in the hospital and the first time she started to walk again. It's the most painful thing I've ever seen with my eyes. Not because of the way she looks now but because of all the emotional pain I could only imagine her family and friends must of felt. It's overwhelming. It's not believable.


It doesn't seem fair. But I thought what if that were me? If I'm strong enough to survive and continue with my life like she has I wouldn't want your pity. But she is amazing. In every picture she is smiling and surrounded by people who love her. She's always leaving these inspirational quotes about how we can overcome anything if we want to. I can't think of anything worse that could happen to a person. I can't think of a better outcome.


So let me ask you this. What excuse do I have? What excuse do any of us have to feel sorry for ourselves? I know I can't feel happy and perfect all of the time because I'm human but most of my emotions are felt over things I can't even control or things that won't last forever. And the things that I can control I need to just realize that I am in control whether I use it or not, instead of just feeling helpless.


So to the girl who I was best friends with in elementary school: You are amazing. You are beautiful. You are a real life miracle and I always want to be as happy as you look now.

Happy May

Happy May 4th. Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm thankful to be alive and healthy for another year. I'm mostly thankful for my beautiful family that makes it all worth living for. Aren't we the cutest bunch of nerds you've ever seen?

Pieces of Ashley

I’m not sure what to write about today but I’m in a good mood and feeling healthy and happy and just want to write anything down so as to not neglect my blog. So today I wrote this while neglecting my work instead.
Here’s a little about me:

What makes me Happy: Having a conversation with my husband when he’s a little buzzed. He’s a very social drunk.

What makes me Sad: Eating the last peanut M&M and reaching for the bag only to realize there are no more left; looking at my bank account.

What makes me depressed: Looking at my bank account after bills.

What makes me Uneasy: A funny gynecologist

What makes me Scared: The thought of Donald Trump as president

What makes me Annoyed: Republicans

What makes me Grossed Out: My husband’s feet

What makes me feel Funny: Hearing my boss call me Buddy. He really does

What makes me Confused: Watching my 3 year old pick out her toe jam

What makes me Mad: A funny Lawyer…and Republicans

What I miss: Green Tea after noon with Katy; Chester the squirrel; and making fun of the crotch grabbing, breakfast food spilling, popcorn eating, can’t look you in the eye, star wars man.

A fond Memory: Sitting next to Aryn in college and telling her everything Karyn told me. The Reward: Karyn ignoring me for the rest of college.

What I don’t miss:  Emails with Molly or Jenny; Reference Material.

A funny Memory: Being told I would be banned from my previous place of employment; eating Chinese food with Mike. 

Something I do everyday: Email my wonderful friend Alisha.

Something I wish I could do everyday: Get drunk with Alisha

What makes me Pissed Off (which is way worse than mad): The D-bag driver in front of me on I435 yesterday who STOPPED on the On Ramp just to LOOK if anyone was coming. No one was.

What makes me Inspired: Watching my fearless 1 year old fall of the couch and then laugh. Of course, I felt TERRIFIED first.
 
Something I look forward to: Retirement. Sad, I know.

Something I wish I could do more: eat cheese; write; sleep; spend time with my kids; think.

Something that makes me laugh: Watching my husband tickle his arms in his sleep; thinking about me and Katy drinking wine; hearing my three year old say, “When I grow up, I want to be a cooker.”

Something I think about everyday: Ways to make more money, faster; eating cheese.

A Short and Sorry Update

I'm back! Okay so this blogging thing only about my weight loss is not working. All I can think about is losing weight so I can blog about it for anyone who's reading and it's having the opposite affect on me then you would think. I've been ignoring you for how many days now and didn't even post about my weight on last Monday because I haven't been trying. I don't know what it is about me or my brain but this is too much pressure.

This doesn't mean that I'm not going to blog. I love to blog because it's therapeutic. This doesn't mean that I’m not going to keep trying or that I’ve given up. I'm not giving up and I'm still going to keep you updated. This week I just bought a ton of veggies and fruit and almonds and I plan on munching them all week.

I want my blog to be a little broader. I want it to be more like a diary but still focused. I’ll have to think on it. My weight is only 1% of who I am and I’m tired of talking about it and thinking about it and then blogging about it. There’s many aspects of my life I want to improve. As I read this, it totally sounds like a cop out. But like I said, I’m still going to keep you updated and I’m still learning and trying. And besides, you have to admit it’s a little boring just to read about my weight, right? More to come. 

P.S. Abby-I loved your blog about food and how God gives us clues. Sometimes I wish you could mentor me on health.

Katy- I miss you and love your blog and it inspires me to read more and be more active in life!
Sorry for putting those comments here but sometimes my blog won’t let me comment! It’s weird.

In the Dark, Shines a Tiny Victory

So as you know I didn't do very well at keeping up with my exercise routine last week...and this week isn't much better. But I have been more aware of what I'm eating and drinking and I've been making better choices about my diet, what it consists of, and how much I'm eating. It's getting easier...really. And while exercise is important and I have no one to blame but myself for not doing it as much as I should ...diet is key.

Yesterday, in the morning...I saw the number 192 on my scale! I still weigh more in the evening. It must be a gravity pulling all day on your body thing. But I haven't seen 192 in awhile so my body must be changing slightly. Better yet, this morning while trying to decide what to wear on Jeans Day at work...I decided to try on an old pair that fit me before I got pregnant with Hudson. I remember thinking back about trying them on last time after I THOUGHT I had lost all my baby weight and being so upset when I couldn't get them over my hips...let alone trying to button them. This morning I just wished so much that I could wear a cute pair of old jeans again... so I tried them on again even though I knew they wouldn't fit because I didn't feel like my body was any different than it was then.

They fit. Not only did they fit...they fit well. I didn't even have to squeeze or grunt or suck in. I feel great today. I feel so good. Yay me.

Happy Failure

Consider this week a failed week. There I said it. It was hard to say. I almost didn't blog at all. I almost decided to ignore my blog for the rest of time all because I failed. I have not gained the weight back but I have not lost additional weight either. In my defense I've been sick since Wednesday, but in my prosecution...I have not exercised once...not one stupid time. I plain gave up.

I read somewhere today about the "I can't" complex. People say; I can't eat healthy, I can't lose weight, I can't run a mile, I can't go without pop, I can't stop eating fast food, and so on.  This applies to many areas of our lives. But this complex is dumb.

I can't predict lottery numbers. I can't grow wings and fly. I can't make money grow on the trees in my back yard. I can't make people read my blog. I can't convince my husband to lay off pork rinds. These are all things that better belong in the "I can't" category.

"I can't lose weight," is not a true statement because I can lose weight. All of us can. I want to say that a better statement might be "I don't want to lose weight." But that's not true either. I do want to lose weight. Maybe the statement is simply that... It's hard to lose weight and I'm having a hard time. It's hard to sacrifice.
After my last post, about God and my body, I talked it over with a previous professor of mine. He said some curious things to me.

"How many religions consider gluttony a sin? Why in religion is the hard path always the one we're supposed to take? Why is fasting more sacred than feasting? If the body is a temple, who designed it with such soft walls? What marketing forces in our culture "prey" (couldn't resist the pun) on body images, pro or con?"


"For me it isn't about "accepting ourselves." It is about realizing that most of us were given strong healthy bodies made to last many healthy years, and the choice of whether to keep them strong and healthy (which is hard) is ours. If the Bible teaches us anything, beginning with Eden, it is that we have the power of choice. Remember what got Adam and Eve evicted? Eating."

What he said reminds me that I might not be happy with what I’m trying to accomplish while I’m trying to accomplish it. But...my happiness isn't necessarily the only point...or even the biggest reason. This is a hard journey. It's a long journey. It's not supposed to be easy or always enjoyable. And what fun is it if I’m just in it for the light at the end of the tunnel? This is a learning process. We learn when we succeed. We learn more when we fail.

God Doesn't Think I'm Fat

The universe is a weird place. I Love how we end up seeing, doing, and being things that it seems we were always meant to see, do, or be. There are times I think that life is just going on without asking ME what I want or what I need but then I come along a book, or a song, or movie, or a news article that says to me...'You are meant to be just where you are right now. You are meant to read this book or watch this movie or hear this song, and it is to remind you of who you are. It is to remind you that you are on your very own road and no one else’s.'

I'm reading a book now called "Eat Pray Love" and before you groan...because it's now one of those books everyone is reading because of the movie...just know they made a movie out of it for a reason...because it is a GOOD book. We most like books that remind us of ourselves, and that is exactly why I like this book. For years I have believed I was alone in my belief of God. Not the actual believing in Him part but the belief that there is more than one way to Him. And while I Love Jesus and I Love his teaching of peace and all of the wonderful messages that are inside of the Bible I just can't call myself a Christian nor can I call myself by any other religious label that claims to be a true religion. In my heart...God is more loving than that. I'll never be able to say...your religion is wrong and mine is right no matter what someone believes. I think any spiritual person would agree that spirituality (even though we share it) is very personal thing that sinks deep deep inside of our soul. And religion means something different to each and every one of us. I just know that God is Love and he Loves me and he Loves you and he Loves even the people on this earth that are easiest to hate.

It's not just about religion, or Jesus, the Pope, Buddha, or church; it's about all of these things tied together and what they teach us about Love and about ourselves. I know that when our spirits rest in "heaven" or whatever the name is for our forever home, we will see so many more faces than we ever expected. God won't be quite as judgmental as so many think. He will not deny his kingdom to people who have chosen not to follow a specific set of religious boundaries. Christians can coexist with Buddhist followers and so on. I realize, however, this idea will be rejected by those who think my idea of God is too "fluffy". In response to that rejection, I simply say that you are wrong. And one day when we're both dead and staring each other in the face you will understand.
   
I've been trying to decipher how all of this relates to my blog or my weight loss journey. I read about 40 pages of this book and I was compelled to write this blog in response to the emotions I have felt. In trying to improve my body I am trying to improve my mind and what it thinks of my body. I also have to admit that I am trying to improve what other minds think of my body. But God doesn't think anything of my body because he doesn't see my body; he only sees my heart. I have never seen God in a clearer light than I do now.