It Is Easier to Do Nothing

Today I read a little blog post  titled Focus (http://pingandpal.blogspot.com) by my great friend Katy...and it has inspired me to write this blog post.

She shared three questions that we should use to help guide us in life:

1.  What is the most important thing to you in your personal life?
2.  What is the most important thing to you in your current job or future career?
3.  What is the change you want to see in the world? Honestly, what do you want to leave behind?

I think these are so on target. I too, am facing some decisions and change in my life right now and often have panic attacks at the thought of change...good or bad. I don't want to disappoint people and I don't want to make the wrong decisions. I need to realize that it's inevitable and I should do what's best for me and my family regardless of those fears. It's not even time to make any decisions and I'm already sweating.

Sometimes I feel like a flake for my need to constantly search for a more meaningful road in life. Why can't I be happy with what I do? Why can't I accept things the way they are? I am blessed. Why push it? Then comes the guilt. On the other hand, I get angry at other people who don't have the balls to make any life decisions at all. It is easier to do nothing then to do something great. So that's what most people do...nothing. I've been guilty of it too. All I know is that I went to college to accomplish a dream. I went to college to be unlike my family. I want to enjoy all hours of my day and have a direct impact on someone or something that needs my help. It sounds selfish almost...saying I me my me want want want. And part of it is selfish...I want to be happy. But the other part of me wants to contribute to the important issues of the world...or atleast of Missouri... so I can know it's a little better with me here. It's sounds trite...but I believe in a greater good and I think it's not right for any of us to leave this world without contributing to a greater good. 

The lesson I need to learn here is to slow down and make decisions slowly and thoughtfully. I'm the person who writes blogs too fast, gives presents too soon, and judges too quickly. I'm good at listening to other people but maybe not so good at listening and being patient with what's right in front of me. I want to reach out and grab things so quickly but often misjudge their distance.

So this is me...slowing down...taking a breath. It's a terrible thing in life when you avoid the questions around you. Say yes or say no, but remember to say something when you're ready. The questions won't go away unless you address them.

Not Guilty?

I am the first person to get annoyed at the people who have be the first ones to post the latest pop culture breaking news. I have several friends on Facebook who had their fingers waiting to be the first person to comment on the Casey Anthony verdict. Well today I was sort of one of those people. I wasn't waiting to update my status but I was waiting and wanting to know the verdict the second it was read. I have been following the Casey Anthony case since I first heard the 911 call on TV three years ago and it touched my heart because Caylee was nearly the same age as Briana.

Well our constitution has spoken, the jury has spoken, and Casey Anthony was given her fair trial. The verdict: Not guilty on all charges except false information. I am disappointed and sad for Caylee as many many are. I wish she could be here still and still have a voice. I won't say much because it's over now, but the bottom line is that Caylee was missing 31 entire days before Casey told anyone. That's the only fact I need to know to know she's guilty.

I respect our justice system and think the jury didn't have enough information and/or the state should have tried for 2nd degree instead of 1st. And now, Casey is free to walk the streets of Florida. I accept the possibility that I don't know the entire story because I didn't live it. I also accept that my opinion doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I am not perfect and someday I will be judged. I know God loves us all and the only comfort I have through death is knowing the victim isn't suffering anymore. But we are suffering through her. Caylee's grandma and grandpa are suffering. I believe there is a special place after death for people who hurt children and may the person who did this, find that special place.

I'm sad today for Caylee, and for all the other babies who will never have a voice.

Be as a Bird

These are some hard times. A hard time is the best time to believe in yourself.

"Be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her, still she sings away all the same, knowing she has wings." -Victor Hugo

Flood Flood Go Away

Flooding is always very strange to me. I can't quite grasp how so much water leaks out of the river and floods surrounding areas for miles and miles. I don't think we have reached the flood of 93 levels yet, but I believe we are headed in that direction. Flooding has never affected me directly. Right now I live on a big hill in north Platte City, and in the past I've always been too far in town.

Right now, at this very minute, my poor hardworking husband is outside in the heat dumping rock underneath the railroad tracks in order to raise them in Atchison (who is experiencing severe flooding) so that the trains can still pass. He has to walk uphill on the rock in order to dump it for miles and miles so his ankles are really sore from walking sideways on an unstable surface for hours. Sunday he worked a 17 hour day and he's worked late every night this week. Every night he comes home late, puts Icy-Hot on his ankles, helps with baths and then goes to sleep.

I'm angry at the railroad for being less prepared and for working their employees to the bone, but I am so thankful that I have a husband who goes out every day to do that kind of work and provide for his family. He really is the best example of hard work that I've ever seen. My hero.

My Kiddos

I would just like to take a minute to say that I have amazing kiddos. Briana Marie is going to grow up to be beautiful, smart, and creative. Hudson Lee is going to grow up strong, funny, and adventurous. And pretty soon, I'm going to be the shortest person in our family. There's nothing in this world they could ever do to make me unlove them. If you love someone conditionally, then you don't love them at all. I wish every parent could think about that.
There are times when I feel like I'm not enough or that I don't do enough. But then I look at my babies and I realize that if nothing else, I was put here to give them life and guide them through it. Terrible things happen all over the world every day but nothing affects me more then when I hear a story about a child victim. I've been following the Casey Anthony case since it began and I can't STAND Nancy Grace but truth be told-she's one of the few child advocates in the media. I can not begin to understand the mountain of emotion that comes when one loses a child or even how you could possibly recover from it. I think it's the worst thing you can go through...ever.
I do know that I'm so happy to be their mother and I thank God for them.
"One day you're gonna miss this.
You're gonna want this back.
You're gonna wish these times
hadn't gone by so fast.
These are some good times,
So take a good look around.
You may not know it now,
But you're gonna miss this."
I wish I could attach their pictures here but my work won't let me. I'll edit it later at home.

Under writing

Today I met with someone in the Construction Underwriting department. It's a part of my attempt to explore as many career paths as possible. I do know one thing: I do NOT want to be a claims adjuster. My job is to pick up all the claim adjuster's slack so I get a front row seat to their work lives. There's a man here who comes in before me and leaves after me. He can't sleep well, his desk is a mess, and his phone is always ringing. His life is his work. It's a very scary thing that I don't want to be. Not everyone is like him but it's more of a stressful job that I don't really want to be involved in.

Underwriting is more laid back, more flexible, and you're not denying anyone money. You have to deny them business sometimes but they have other options. I have already made this clear to my boss but he knows I'm a good worker and I'm afraid he doesn't want to let me go as soon as I'd like to go. I'm only required to stay in one position for a year but I always hear him say, "After two years you might be starting to get ready for a move." 

I find my self wanting to leave to find other work at times but my company is a good company and they've taught me that not all insurance companies are evil. They were a big help to our insureds in Joplin and to others by donations. When you work for a large company it's difficult to understand the direct impact your role has on others but people come to insurance companies when they have a need. Sometimes it's a small need-getting a car repaired. Sometimes it's a big need-rebuilding a home after tornado destruction. But they need us and they trust us to be there for them during that time. I'm glad I can be a part of that.

The Mad Lady on the Elevator

I'm attempting to make up for all the days I haven't blogged so you might notice more blogs than usual in the next few weeks.

I work on the 3rd floor of a 4 floor building. Yesterday I pushed the elevator button to go up a floor to the mail room. I'd like to add here that whenever I push the elevator button, especially to go up only a floor, I feel guilty for not taking the stairs. I'm torn between making good habits and doing things as quickly as possible. I like to push the elevator button just as I walk by incase there is an available elevator already waiting on my floor and if there is not I will take the stairs. I'm silly. Anyhow, this particular day I was feeling tired and waited for the elevator. I wish I hadn't. It happened to be the bad elevator that shakes a little and takes 5 tries to close the door. Not only that, on the elevator, looking at me in the face when the door opened, was a very unhappy 20-something lady. She must not have been a co-worker because she didn't look to be dressed as such with her black hooker boots (I'm not being mean that's just the only thing I ever know to call them and I actually think they're cute) and tight jeans. Also, I expect a co-worker around this place would have been friendlier. I imagine she was someone who had a claim and was here to see a claim adjuster.

So I get on the elevator and smile. She does not smile and hits the close button of the elevator impatiently. The door closes half way. Then the door opens. The door closes half way again and opens again. I'm still blissfully unaware at how impatient and angry this lady is. She begins pushing the button over and over again in attempt to make the door close. By this time I understand she is in a hurry and sense that she is not only angry with the elevator but angry that I made the elevator stop on the 3rd floor only to go up to the 4th. So I say, "It will probably do that about 5 times before it closes." The lady lets out a big HUFF and walks off the elevator to the stairs. The door closes and I make it to the 4th floor alone.

I didn't quite know how to react to that kind of thing but I figure the poor lady might have just had her car smashed into or maybe her house caught on fire or any old thing and so I'm not mad. Some days I'm probably going to be the mad lady on the elevator. And that's my story. But from now on...I'm taking the stairs.