Marry the Night

American Heritage Dictionary: Definition of Patient:

1. Bearing or enduring pain, difficulty, provocation, or annoyance with calmness.
2. Marked by or exhibiting calm endurance of pain, difficulty, provocation, or annoyance.
3. Tolerant; understanding: an unfailingly patient leader and guide.
4. Persevering; constant: With patient industry, she revived the failing business and made it thrive.
5. Capable of calmly awaiting an outcome or result; not hasty or impulsive.

Definition number one gets me the most: “Bearing or enduring pain.” I never thought of that as directly related to patience. I am tolerant, I am understanding, I am calm. I, however, am not good at bearing or enduring pain with calmness. I want relief and I want it now.

We often cause our own pain and then become angry for the mess we’ve created. We want a fix. We want a solution. But it takes so short a time to create that mess and so long a time to clean it up. So we become angry, pouty, pissed off at the world.

We tell ourselves we deserve financial relief, happiness and peace. But the world didn’t make your bed. You did. You made choices and every tiny one led you here. It hurts to let yourself down but I think we have to face it. We can’t be afraid of the dark, of the aching pain that keeps us awake at night. Hold on to that pain, love it, accept it and embrace it as a part of you. Just as Lady GaGa says, I’m going to marry the night. So hang on. Be patient. There will be daylight again.

Happy Love Day!!!

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails."

I saw this verse on another blog today and it reminded me that I have always believed in it.  Valentine’s Day is not just about love between two lovers, it’s about celebrating love in general. This verse applies to everyone you love and to everyone who loves you. So first of all, who cares if you’re single? Celebrate the love you have for yourself. Secondly, remember and be thankful for all the other love that exists in your life. Be thankful for friends, family and all the positive efforts in the world done out of love.

Then reflect on some negative energy in your life. If the person who “loves” you, any person, is behaving outside of this verse, I would question their place in your life. Make some positive changes in your life in the name of love.

Passion, happiness, love: that’s the good stuff. Find them. Dwell within them. Cherish them. Keep them and apply them to all parts of you.

I am of God

My experience with God has been an uneven, bumpy, confusing mess of tired thoughts. But I figured out years ago that it was never my experience with God that caused me such turmoil. It was in fact…my experience with religion.

Let me clarify that when I say God I always picture quotation marks around it: “God.” Because this word, God, is just that: a word. It is a word in our culture and language used to represent an idea of an ultimate or almighty being of sorts. I have a hard time with labels especially when it comes to God and religion because I think of God more as a presence, a feeling, a knowing, a truth, a destination. God is not concrete but God is not abstract. Notice that I don’t say He. I also have a hard time giving God a gender. Woman gives life to man so why couldn’t God be a woman or why does God have to have a gender at all? Gender is just another label we use to categorize ourselves to allow order on earth. Gender is a classification of our physical bodies and I don’t think it has a lot to do with our souls.

Anyway, I always knew God existed. I mean HELLO. I try really hard to appreciate and accept and understand everyone’s point of view….everyone’s. But it’s really hard to understand how a person can conclude that no creator of any sorts exists. I can feel God when I look at the stars, when I hear my kid’s laughter, when I have a great conversation with a friend. I can feel a presence around me everyday, watching me, hoping for me, loving me, guiding me. God is kindness. God is compassion. God is all the meaningful things in your life. God is truth and knowledge. God is everywhere.

So that was never an issue with me. I never denied God. I got angry but never denied. My conflict was how my internal values interfered with what religion told me was true. I’ve explored other religions than Christianity but the issue is that they all have rules and values that didn’t make sense to me. And if I didn’t agree with the basic rules of these religions then I didn’t belong in them. And if I didn’t belong in them then I must disagree with God. I must not be of God. I must be Godless. Oh no. Am I going to hell? So this is how I thought for a long time.

Then somewhere along the way it occurred to me that I am enough. What I feel, think and believe is true to me. I don’t have to do any twists or turns along the way. God is my heart and my heart tells me that God loves me and accepts me and I am going to be okay. All I have to do is be open, be kind, be giving, be truthful. And when I lose sight of those things God isn’t going to leave me. I’m not going to hell, or purgatory or be sucked into some scary black hole because I was rebellious with in my ideas of religion before I died.
Don’t get me wrong. Religion is mostly beautiful. Most of what religions teach is beautiful. The stories are powerful and meaningful and they are good for man kind. People are better because of their religious beliefs. I used to feel like I wouldn’t be welcome in any church unless I lied about what I believed but I now realize that’s not true either. Good religious people are loving and giving and full of God. They try to lack judgment and open their hearts to everyone no matter how different they are or how much they think that particular person lacks God.

I tried to look for God in religion but I couldn’t find all of God. So I gave up. I focused in on myself. The funny thing is, the more I looked at myself the more I found God. You have to look inside.

Freddy's Famous Fries

I happen to work near a Freddy's Frozen Custard. This is bad news for my diet...err...lifestyle change. I don't really even like hamburgers but they have the best hamburger I have ever tasted. Yesterday I had what I would call a ridiculous craving for their fries. So I shamelessly bought a regular order...which is more like a large order at say McDonalds...with a side of Freddy's Fry Sauce and ate them on the way home. I kind of plan on doing the same thing today. It’s a good thing I'm still working out to make up for these not so healthy...but tasty flings with fries. 

My Kids are Cute...Just Sayin.

Hello 2012.

One of my last posts was about a new me in 2012. I don’t know what it is, I don’t know how I have changed…but I have. I started exercising again, along with making better food choices…and let me tell you…it works. It’s not just good for your body it’s good for your soul and THAT’S why I keep doing it. My confidence is higher and my mind is clearer. The numbers on the scale, as I’ve said before, are not your biggest success. The way you feel, the way you carry yourself, the way you gain control over your life is what it’s all about. However, seeing those numbers go down is thrilling. When I started this process I was a steady 198. Yesterday…at my WW meeting I weighed in at 181.2. Can you believe that? Nearly 17 lbs! It helps me to remember that I CAN do it, I am STRONG enough, I have POWER.  I think of this process the same way I thought about school. I didn’t want to take another test or go to another class. All I wanted to do was graduate. But those classes and those tests are what prepared me for graduation. The day would go by whether or not I went to class and the day will go by whether or not I exercise. So why not do something to improve myself? Why not make the most of it? So I kept going to class, I kept taking tests and then I graduated. If I keep exercising, if I keep eating right then I will graduate. I will reach my goal. Plus...buying smaller pants is so much fun! Even my new smaller pants are starting to feel big.

So today I just wanted to share that I feel good. 2012 has started off well. I’m looking  forward to a good year.

January 5th, 2010

Two years ago today at 5am after hours of pain and a near epidural crisis my little man, Hudson Lee Rainsbarger, found his way into the world: all 9lbs and 10ozs of him. I remember that day and Briana’s birth day just like it happened yesterday. Here is what I have to give back to you from my experience:

1.) If you are experiencing any contractions, even light, go to the doctor. Do not take medication (approved by the doctor), go back to sleep and hope it’s over when you wake up. If you do this it is possible you will wake up 2 hours later with heavy contractions and make it to the hospital when you’re 7cm dilated (birth occurs at 10cm) and nearly miss your chance for an epidural.

2.) When you are having said contractions, do not tell your husband he has enough time to take a shower. I don’t know if it’s worse that I let him or that he asked.

3.) If you are a nurse and dealing with a mother in labor do not tell her she can not have an epidural when she wants one unless it is the necessary time to do so. To this day I think it was the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me and I reacted accordingly. I hope the nurse can forgive me.

4.) As the mother in labor, do not accept that you can not have an epidural unless baby’s head is on its way out. I didn’t and received an epidural at 9cm which allowed my labor to slow down until I was comfortable enough to give birth. In my experience, epidurals enhance your awareness of the process. You can focus on baby and not on pain.
 
5.) As a supporter for the mother in labor it is best to do as she says and realize that she is not angry at you no matter how harsh she sounds. She is in pain and cares about nothing but getting through the pain.  You might be married to a quiet, shy and sweet woman but when in labor that woman is gone. Be prepared for a few hours of a new wife.

So that was Hudson’s birthday in a shell. Even though writing it this way makes the experience sound a little terrible, it was quite opposite. It was one of the most emotional and wonderful days of my life. I will always remember it and would relive it in half a baby’s heartbeat.