I struggled with whether or not to publish a post on this topic. My struggle comes from two opposing points: privacy and awareness. The topic is private and personal to me, but it’s also something you should be aware of, something millions of Americans suffer from. It’s something I was diagnosed with as a teenager and something I think I’m dealing with currently. I am talking about depression.
Depression is more than a mood disorder; it’s an everyday struggle of the mind and body. Although I make good decisions, lead a good home life, suffer from no addiction to medication, illegal drugs or alcohol (things that many depressed individuals have trouble achieving) I can’t always shake feelings of doubt, fear, failure, grief, overall sadness, and sometimes panic in my daily decision making process. These feelings of inadequacy and negativity are overwhelming. They consume me at times. It’s like a wise and confident angel on one shoulder, and a sad, grieving, very scared little angel on the other. Every time I am faced with a decision (whether it be getting out of bed in the morning or changing careers) I have to choose which angel to listen to. Even though part of me knows I should listen to the confident angel, most days it’s just too hard. The sad angel tells me I’m not good enough, strong enough, pretty enough, or smart enough. She reminds me of all the times I have failed. She talks about my past and she fears my future. I know you can relate to this because everyone has those opposing forces in life, but what I’m trying to say is that these forces are amplified with people who suffer from depression. If you’ve ever heard the term “chemical imbalance,” that’s truly what it is. It’s an utter and total imbalance of chemicals in your brain that trigger mood responses. The sad angel is somehow much larger than the confident one, and therefore she is louder and more powerful.
Depression can lead to sleep disorders, eating disorders, daily fatigue, excessive crying, lack of sex drive, problems concentrating, indecisiveness, irritability, lack of interest in normal activities, muscle pain, and worse case scenario…suicide. Someone you know may be suffering from it right now.
So please imagine my struggle. I am a mother of two, married, career going woman. Many people depend on me. Many people ask for my advice and input. My family needs me to guide them; to shed a positive light on everything we face. At the very least, I have to pretend to be strong and happy. And why shouldn’t I be happy? I’m not blind. I can see my blessings. They are the source of what little strength that manages to exist inside me. I have everything going for me. I am the poster mother of an American family. My children are healthy and my husband treats me right. I have home, a new car, two cats and dog. What could possibly make me so damn sad all the time? I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.
I'm tired of thinking about it so hard. I’m tired of feeling ashamed and awkward. We must take responsibility for ourselves. I read somewhere that 2/3 of Americans who suffer from depression are too embarrassed to tell their doctor. I also read somewhere that 80% of those who get the courage to talk with their doctor, get treatment, and feel significant improvement in their daily lives. It occurs more so in woman, than men (not surprising). I want to be of the 80%.
So this is me opening up. I don’t even like to say that I’m “depressed.” The word is too dramatic…too emo. I like to say that I’m searching for internal peace, lightness. I think I am lucky because I still have the ability to filter my sadness. I can at least recognize and confront an unreasonable thought. Depression becomes dangerous without this filter and I think the longer you suffer from it, the weaker the filter gets. Maybe you or someone you know is experiencing something similar. You’re not alone. There is help.
I'm off to see the doctor...
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