Me and My Average Ideas

I have been thinking again that my blog needs more direction, more purpose. It is a blob of words about me and my family but I want it to be a little more on target. I didn’t know how to do that until I saw Frank mention something about another blog on PostSecret. www.postsecret.com

The blog he was talking about is called, 1000 Awesome Things.
It is just what you would think it to be. Apparently, it is quite a hit. I thought, how wonderful, that this person can take all the negativity out of the world by writing only about what is Awesome. Some topics seem insignificant and some profound but he makes every one of them…Awesome.

So here goes I, borrowing your idea, Mr. Man who came up with the Awesome blog. Of course I want mine to be different and I’m just using this as inspiration, as a template. I thought I would share with you the beginning of this idea.

I give you, 1001 Beautiful Moments. So now I may share with you all of the Beauty I see in MY world. Please share with me, your beauty.

Vegans are Nuts

I posted that title to get your attention. Honestly, it used to be my mentality. Give up cheese, milk, eggs, sour cream and yogurt? Honey, please. You be out your mind.

I always knew in the back of my mind that the farm animals we get our animal products from are treated badly. I always had the inkling that I am contributing to a world of greedy mass consumerism. I understand where vegetarians are coming from. They don’t believe we have the right to kill innocent animals for human consumption. But what reason do vegans have to give up other animal products? Cows are not killed just for their milk and chickens are not slaughtered for eggs. And well…fish are just fish. Why should I even consider giving up these foods that I love?

Then I discovered a little term called “factory farms.” Google it, Bing it, YouTube it, Facebook it. There are tons of references. It is pretty much the evil equivalent of puppy mills and they are our main sources of animal meat and products. Animals are confined, abused, starved, medicated and treated like machines.

I’ve also learned that we can’t trust most of our food labels. Even if you feel better because you’re eating something with an “organic” label…do your research. We can not trust those labels. You just don’t know how that product was manufactured and believe me…they don’t want you to know.

I admit I can’t just stop eating cheese. Lord, help me to find a decent substitute for the foods I love. But if I keep eating these foods and feeding them to my family I must accept that I am a hypocrite, that I am a part of the chain. I am no longer ignorant to these issues.

Don’t take it from me. There are plenty of good resources out there. Here is just one.

http://chooseveg.com

Here's to Briana

Can you believe I am registering Briana for Kindergarten this week? Can you think of anything more terrifying? I can’t. It’s so weird. For a few years you are a kid and feel invincible. The world is big and you’re ready to explore it. You’re parents are so annoying. They always hold you back. Then, somehow, if you survive the world...KABOOM…suddenly you’re a mother. You’re world is still wonderful but now you have danger vision. It’s everywhere…the danger. Dirty door knobs, sickly children, things your kids can trip over, things your kids can choke on, un nutritional food, strangers, bullies, school busses; nothing is safe! How can I possibly do anything but keep us locked up together at home? How can I trust the rest of the world to care for MY child? Like I said, it’s terrifying.

The best I can do is take faith in the direction of my life and the direction in the life of my children. I will make the best choices possible for us. I will do my best not to live in fear but also not to take them for granted. I believe the biggest source of joy and pain comes to us through our children.

Here’s to Briana…growing up. May I survive it.

Patience, My Child

In case anyone cares I am waiting on part 1 of really big news in a possible job move. If I don’t find out something soon I might explode into a million pieces. I’m not new to the feeling. Somehow I always end up waiting for a very long time on all the important things in life. I suppose this is a good thing. Why would they wait so long to tell me bad news? On the other hand, what in the world could take this long? Don’t they know I’m sweating needles?

 It’s like I’m a teenager again waiting, watching, wanting so badly for my phone to ring.  “Please ring!” I plead.  When that doesn’t work I try to make deals with God.

“Dear God, if you make them call me today I will never eat fast food again, I swear it.” Still no ring.

So then I check my voicemail, because you know, it’s just possible that I got a voicemail while I went to the restroom and my cell phone for some reason isn’t showing the icon.

No voicemail.

Even now I think they will call while I’m writing this blog. They will call and I will have a wonderful update to this post. Give it a second…

Just another minute…

Maybe…

No. No call. Someone did text me though. It was all I could do not to scold them with ALL CAPS for making me excited that my phone made a noise and then disappointing me when I realized why.

How many times can I push a button to light up my phone and check that I didn’t receive a call even though I know I didn’t because my little red notification light isn’t blinking? How many times can I then stop my finger mid-push and say to myself… “Careful Ashley…the battery will die and then you will never know if they called you.”

Well it’s only 3pm. I have till 5. If not, I’ll do it all again tomorrow. 

Children

The subject of children is a reoccurring theme around me right now. Children already here, children to be born soon, children hurt, children loved, children we dream of. I can’t express enough of the importance of nurturing our children. Children are what they are. You can see it on their faces, hear it in their words and watch it when they play. They don’t hide from you, they don’t keep thoughts to themselves and they don’t lie unless we teach them to. What you teach your children today makes up our world tomorrow. The world today is a reflection of what we were taught as children. To have children is a selfless existence. Part of it is painful but mostly it’s joyful. The love of your own child is unconditional. Love them the way they love you. Look to them with wonder and pride the way they look to you. Give them direction but don’t force them onto a path. Just like everything else in life, love doesn’t always come easy. You’re children might not be anything like you. They might push against you. They might say things and do things that hurt you. But love isn’t love at all if it’s conditional. Hold them close and cherish them. They are a gift and an opportunity for a better life, a better world.

What’s that you say? You want to see more pictures of my children? You’re wish is my command.

Marry the Night

American Heritage Dictionary: Definition of Patient:

1. Bearing or enduring pain, difficulty, provocation, or annoyance with calmness.
2. Marked by or exhibiting calm endurance of pain, difficulty, provocation, or annoyance.
3. Tolerant; understanding: an unfailingly patient leader and guide.
4. Persevering; constant: With patient industry, she revived the failing business and made it thrive.
5. Capable of calmly awaiting an outcome or result; not hasty or impulsive.

Definition number one gets me the most: “Bearing or enduring pain.” I never thought of that as directly related to patience. I am tolerant, I am understanding, I am calm. I, however, am not good at bearing or enduring pain with calmness. I want relief and I want it now.

We often cause our own pain and then become angry for the mess we’ve created. We want a fix. We want a solution. But it takes so short a time to create that mess and so long a time to clean it up. So we become angry, pouty, pissed off at the world.

We tell ourselves we deserve financial relief, happiness and peace. But the world didn’t make your bed. You did. You made choices and every tiny one led you here. It hurts to let yourself down but I think we have to face it. We can’t be afraid of the dark, of the aching pain that keeps us awake at night. Hold on to that pain, love it, accept it and embrace it as a part of you. Just as Lady GaGa says, I’m going to marry the night. So hang on. Be patient. There will be daylight again.

Happy Love Day!!!

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails."

I saw this verse on another blog today and it reminded me that I have always believed in it.  Valentine’s Day is not just about love between two lovers, it’s about celebrating love in general. This verse applies to everyone you love and to everyone who loves you. So first of all, who cares if you’re single? Celebrate the love you have for yourself. Secondly, remember and be thankful for all the other love that exists in your life. Be thankful for friends, family and all the positive efforts in the world done out of love.

Then reflect on some negative energy in your life. If the person who “loves” you, any person, is behaving outside of this verse, I would question their place in your life. Make some positive changes in your life in the name of love.

Passion, happiness, love: that’s the good stuff. Find them. Dwell within them. Cherish them. Keep them and apply them to all parts of you.

I am of God

My experience with God has been an uneven, bumpy, confusing mess of tired thoughts. But I figured out years ago that it was never my experience with God that caused me such turmoil. It was in fact…my experience with religion.

Let me clarify that when I say God I always picture quotation marks around it: “God.” Because this word, God, is just that: a word. It is a word in our culture and language used to represent an idea of an ultimate or almighty being of sorts. I have a hard time with labels especially when it comes to God and religion because I think of God more as a presence, a feeling, a knowing, a truth, a destination. God is not concrete but God is not abstract. Notice that I don’t say He. I also have a hard time giving God a gender. Woman gives life to man so why couldn’t God be a woman or why does God have to have a gender at all? Gender is just another label we use to categorize ourselves to allow order on earth. Gender is a classification of our physical bodies and I don’t think it has a lot to do with our souls.

Anyway, I always knew God existed. I mean HELLO. I try really hard to appreciate and accept and understand everyone’s point of view….everyone’s. But it’s really hard to understand how a person can conclude that no creator of any sorts exists. I can feel God when I look at the stars, when I hear my kid’s laughter, when I have a great conversation with a friend. I can feel a presence around me everyday, watching me, hoping for me, loving me, guiding me. God is kindness. God is compassion. God is all the meaningful things in your life. God is truth and knowledge. God is everywhere.

So that was never an issue with me. I never denied God. I got angry but never denied. My conflict was how my internal values interfered with what religion told me was true. I’ve explored other religions than Christianity but the issue is that they all have rules and values that didn’t make sense to me. And if I didn’t agree with the basic rules of these religions then I didn’t belong in them. And if I didn’t belong in them then I must disagree with God. I must not be of God. I must be Godless. Oh no. Am I going to hell? So this is how I thought for a long time.

Then somewhere along the way it occurred to me that I am enough. What I feel, think and believe is true to me. I don’t have to do any twists or turns along the way. God is my heart and my heart tells me that God loves me and accepts me and I am going to be okay. All I have to do is be open, be kind, be giving, be truthful. And when I lose sight of those things God isn’t going to leave me. I’m not going to hell, or purgatory or be sucked into some scary black hole because I was rebellious with in my ideas of religion before I died.
Don’t get me wrong. Religion is mostly beautiful. Most of what religions teach is beautiful. The stories are powerful and meaningful and they are good for man kind. People are better because of their religious beliefs. I used to feel like I wouldn’t be welcome in any church unless I lied about what I believed but I now realize that’s not true either. Good religious people are loving and giving and full of God. They try to lack judgment and open their hearts to everyone no matter how different they are or how much they think that particular person lacks God.

I tried to look for God in religion but I couldn’t find all of God. So I gave up. I focused in on myself. The funny thing is, the more I looked at myself the more I found God. You have to look inside.

Freddy's Famous Fries

I happen to work near a Freddy's Frozen Custard. This is bad news for my diet...err...lifestyle change. I don't really even like hamburgers but they have the best hamburger I have ever tasted. Yesterday I had what I would call a ridiculous craving for their fries. So I shamelessly bought a regular order...which is more like a large order at say McDonalds...with a side of Freddy's Fry Sauce and ate them on the way home. I kind of plan on doing the same thing today. It’s a good thing I'm still working out to make up for these not so healthy...but tasty flings with fries. 

My Kids are Cute...Just Sayin.

Hello 2012.

One of my last posts was about a new me in 2012. I don’t know what it is, I don’t know how I have changed…but I have. I started exercising again, along with making better food choices…and let me tell you…it works. It’s not just good for your body it’s good for your soul and THAT’S why I keep doing it. My confidence is higher and my mind is clearer. The numbers on the scale, as I’ve said before, are not your biggest success. The way you feel, the way you carry yourself, the way you gain control over your life is what it’s all about. However, seeing those numbers go down is thrilling. When I started this process I was a steady 198. Yesterday…at my WW meeting I weighed in at 181.2. Can you believe that? Nearly 17 lbs! It helps me to remember that I CAN do it, I am STRONG enough, I have POWER.  I think of this process the same way I thought about school. I didn’t want to take another test or go to another class. All I wanted to do was graduate. But those classes and those tests are what prepared me for graduation. The day would go by whether or not I went to class and the day will go by whether or not I exercise. So why not do something to improve myself? Why not make the most of it? So I kept going to class, I kept taking tests and then I graduated. If I keep exercising, if I keep eating right then I will graduate. I will reach my goal. Plus...buying smaller pants is so much fun! Even my new smaller pants are starting to feel big.

So today I just wanted to share that I feel good. 2012 has started off well. I’m looking  forward to a good year.

January 5th, 2010

Two years ago today at 5am after hours of pain and a near epidural crisis my little man, Hudson Lee Rainsbarger, found his way into the world: all 9lbs and 10ozs of him. I remember that day and Briana’s birth day just like it happened yesterday. Here is what I have to give back to you from my experience:

1.) If you are experiencing any contractions, even light, go to the doctor. Do not take medication (approved by the doctor), go back to sleep and hope it’s over when you wake up. If you do this it is possible you will wake up 2 hours later with heavy contractions and make it to the hospital when you’re 7cm dilated (birth occurs at 10cm) and nearly miss your chance for an epidural.

2.) When you are having said contractions, do not tell your husband he has enough time to take a shower. I don’t know if it’s worse that I let him or that he asked.

3.) If you are a nurse and dealing with a mother in labor do not tell her she can not have an epidural when she wants one unless it is the necessary time to do so. To this day I think it was the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me and I reacted accordingly. I hope the nurse can forgive me.

4.) As the mother in labor, do not accept that you can not have an epidural unless baby’s head is on its way out. I didn’t and received an epidural at 9cm which allowed my labor to slow down until I was comfortable enough to give birth. In my experience, epidurals enhance your awareness of the process. You can focus on baby and not on pain.
 
5.) As a supporter for the mother in labor it is best to do as she says and realize that she is not angry at you no matter how harsh she sounds. She is in pain and cares about nothing but getting through the pain.  You might be married to a quiet, shy and sweet woman but when in labor that woman is gone. Be prepared for a few hours of a new wife.

So that was Hudson’s birthday in a shell. Even though writing it this way makes the experience sound a little terrible, it was quite opposite. It was one of the most emotional and wonderful days of my life. I will always remember it and would relive it in half a baby’s heartbeat.

2012: I Can Do It

In the spirit of saying I Can Do It (see previous blog post) here are a few things I’d like to focus on this year:

Me- I’m important and I should always be working on myself…whatever that means.
Motherhood- I want to be a more patient and aware mother.
Friendship- I want to be a better listener, I want to be more honest…but more kind
Try It- If I decide I WANT to do something in life then I don’t want to be the force that holds me back. I want to try try try.
Career- If all I accomplish this year is a direction, a path…then that’s enough for me. It has been such a struggle.

Also I’ve decided that it’s less important to set a time frame for your concrete goals than it is to just keep working at them. If you keep working then you are guaranteed to get there but if you set a time frame and fail to meet that expectation it only discourages you from pushing harder. My advice to you and to myself this year is to set mini goals. Focus less on goals that are a million miles away and more on what’s right in front of you…what’s reachable.

Most of all I say be good to yourself. Don’t listen to the people who hurt you. If you’re doing something positive with your life and you have a person finding a way to put you down or say negative and hurtful things about it then that is not a reflection of you, that is a reflection of their own self worth, their own self loathing.  If everyone loved themselves, all would be right in the world.

I Feel New

Something about starting 2012 didn’t sit well with me in December. The New Year is all about making changes and resolutions and beginnings. But I knew that if I put that pressure on myself, if I made a promise to myself I would let myself down; I would fail. As they say, the past is your best prediction of the future.

I was flipping through channels when I came across Joel Osteen. Just as a quick side note-I can’t stand watching him preach…it makes me queasy.  But before I changed the channel he said something that struck me: “We can’t always help having negative thoughts about ourselves, but don’t you dare speak them; don’t you dare bring life to those thoughts. If you do, then they are real. If you do then they are the truth.”

Wow. How often do I say things like…I can’t do it; I’m not smart enough; I’m not fast enough; I’m not social enough? I think these things all the time but I often speak them too. And he’s right. If we think them and then say them then we are giving life to them. They become true. They become the vision of ourselves. If I say I’m not smart enough then I will only act in life as though I am not smart enough.

So what happens if we change what we speak? I will probably always feel at least a little insecure. It will always occur to me that I can’t do something; that I can’t be the best me; that I’m not strong enough. But if I say out loud that I can do it, if I tell other people that I am strong enough, if I speak about my successes instead of my failures then maybe I can start to make my mind believe it to. Maybe my speech will influence my actions and my thoughts won’t be true anymore.

I feel like someone just put the spotlight on me. I feel like someone just peeled my eyes open.