The mall walking lady to me and Charles (with her hand on her heart) after seeing Briana and Hudson holding hands while walking together after their fun Christmas train ride at Metro North: “Oh my gosh, you are so blessed.”
Yes, yes we are. Thank you for reminding me.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
A Reflection of 2011
I started off writing this post by trying to think of all the big things that happened to me in 2011. But my list seemed less significant than it was last year. In 2010 I had a baby, I bought a home and I changed jobs. Life was good and stressful.
This year I’ve achieved my first full year at my new job, which is good, but I have to say I’m still unsure about my career path. I’m still looking, still listening and still hoping for a spark. Hudson turned one and Briana turned four, which may be not as significant to others but to me it meant that my little boy wasn’t a baby anymore, and my little girl is nearly school age.
Other than that life has been mostly normal. Charles is his same old good daddy and hard working self and I’m the same old content yet unsatisfied with my direction in life kind of girl. So for this I am thankful. I am thankful that things have been mostly smooth and low key. I’m thankful we are both able to support our family. I’m thankful we still have each other and our health. I have a tendency to want to shake things up when they get a little slow, but when things are smooth it just means you’ve achieved what you’ve worked hard for.
The world is big scary place. But if I have my family to come home to, it’s all okay. Here's to another year.
This year I’ve achieved my first full year at my new job, which is good, but I have to say I’m still unsure about my career path. I’m still looking, still listening and still hoping for a spark. Hudson turned one and Briana turned four, which may be not as significant to others but to me it meant that my little boy wasn’t a baby anymore, and my little girl is nearly school age.
Other than that life has been mostly normal. Charles is his same old good daddy and hard working self and I’m the same old content yet unsatisfied with my direction in life kind of girl. So for this I am thankful. I am thankful that things have been mostly smooth and low key. I’m thankful we are both able to support our family. I’m thankful we still have each other and our health. I have a tendency to want to shake things up when they get a little slow, but when things are smooth it just means you’ve achieved what you’ve worked hard for.
The world is big scary place. But if I have my family to come home to, it’s all okay. Here's to another year.
Friday, December 2, 2011
A Healthy Update
I don’t know about you but I have notice a significant drop in blog posts these last few weeks. I think it’s because everyone is so busy…but it made me feel more motivated to write something. I enjoy reading everyone’s posts so if you’re reading this now I really think you should take a minute to write something down. Just saying ;)
It’s kind of a boring update but I have reached my 10 lb (5%) Weight Watchers (WW) goal! Okay, the explanation point at the end of the previous sentence is kind of a fake. I would be more excited about this milestone if I didn’t feel doomed to fail the last four weeks of my WW weigh-ins. Even though I have reached my 5% weight loss milestone…I’ve only lost .2 lbs in 2 weeks. I haven’t gained weight…true…but I haven’t really lost any either. I’m just very aware of my motivation loss and trying to figure out a way to get it back.
Speaking of that….WW has come out with an additional program for people who don’t really like to track what they eat (it is kind of a pain). This new plan, Simply Filling, just reminds me how I don’t need to pay someone to tell me how to eat healthy. What I’m saying is that the new plan is nothing you or I don’t know. If you eat these foods you will lose weight and/or live a healthier lifestyle. End of story. Duh. But they kind of put it in a list for you, that way what you can and can’t eat is pretty clear. The idea is that you can eat these foods whenever you’re hungry as long as you stop when you’re full and you don’t have to count the points they are worth. Also, you can still eat the sweets and fried food you like but they don’t count as power foods and you have to track those to stay on course. I know I haven’t been incorporating enough of these power foods into my diet. So incase you care what these power foods are here is the list:
Fruits
All fresh, frozen, or canned without added sugar
•Fruit canned in its own juice (drained)
•Fruit salad — mixed fruits with no added sugar
All fruits, except dried fruits and fruit juices, are zero PointsPlus values!
Vegetables
•Most fresh, frozen or canned without added sugar or oil — whether or not it has PointsPlus values per serving
•Potatoes — white, red sweet
All vegetables have zero PointsPlus values, except potatoes, peas, corn, and avocados. Avocados are not a Power Food.
Whole grains
•Brown and wild rice
•Hot cereals, cooked — without added sugar, dried fruits, or nuts
◦100% bran
◦Cream of rice
◦Cream of wheat
◦Grits
◦Oatmeal
•Pasta, whole-wheat or other whole-grain varieties
•Popcorn, air-popped, or 94% fat-free microwave-popped
•Whole-grain, ready-to-eat cereals without added sugar, dried fruits or nuts, and with 4g of fiber or more per serving
•Whole-grains such as:
◦Barley
◦Buckwheat
◦Bulgur
◦Cornmeal (polenta)
◦Whole-wheat couscous
◦Quinoa
Non-Fat Dairy and Dairy Substitutes
•Fat-free cheeses, including fat-free cottage cheese
•Fat-free milk and beverages made with fat-free milk, such as:
•Cappuccino or latte, as long as it’s sugar-free
•Yogurt, fat-free, plain or flavored with artificial sweetener
•Fat-free sour cream
•Soy products, unflavored and plain, such as:
•Calcium-fortified soy milk
•Unflavored soy milk
•Fat-free soy cheese
•Plain soy yogurt
Lean proteins (see food list for specific cuts and grinds)
•Beef, chicken, lamb, pork, turkey, veal: lean, trimmed, all skin removed
•Dried beans, including canned black, cannellini, kidney, refried, and white
•Dried peas, including black-eyed peas and split peas
•Eggs: Whole, whites, and fat-free substitute
•Game meats, including buffalo, elk, ostrich and venison
•Lentils
•Meat substitutes, including tofu and vegetarian burgers
•Most fish and shellfish: fresh, frozen, and canned
•Organ meats from beef, lamb, pork, veal, and poultry
Breads
◦Light English muffins
◦Light hot dog and hamburger rolls
◦Reduced-calorie (light) breads (whole grains are the best choice)
Soups
◦Broth, onion, and some broth- and tomato-based vegetable soups
Desserts
◦Sugar-free gelatin
Beverages
•Coffee (without sugar)
•Tea (without sugar)
•Diet soda
•Club soda
•Seltzer (plain or flavored, unsweetened)
•Water
Seasonings and condiments
•Baking powder
•Baking soda
•Capers
•Cocktail sauce
•Extracts
•Fat-free salad dressings
•Fat-free margarine
•Fat-free mayonnaise
•Flavorings
•Herbs
•Hot sauce (pepper sauce)
•Ketchup
•Lemon juice
•Lime juice
•Mustard
•Nonstick cooking or baking spray
•Salsa (fat-free)
•Soy sauce (shoyu)
•Spices
•Steak sauce
•Sugar substitutes
•Taco sauce
•Teriyaki sauce
•Vinegar
•Worcestershire Sauce
Healthy oils
Include 2 tsp each day without counting PointsPlus values. Use your weekly PointsPlus Allowance for any additional oil.
•Olive oil
•Canola oil
•Safflower oil
•Sunflower oil
•Flaxseed oil
I think this leaves a lot of meal options without having to mess with counting all those points. Now I can have my fruit smoothies, pasta, ranch dressing on salads, and buns on my hotdogs and burgers. I don’t have to count points for eggs or multigrain toast anymore! Best of all, I don’t have to count my fat-free cheese! Sorry, I’m a little excited. I won’t make any promises but I’m going to try to stick to these food choices for the next 4 weeks in order to get as close to my goal weight as possible.
It’s kind of a boring update but I have reached my 10 lb (5%) Weight Watchers (WW) goal! Okay, the explanation point at the end of the previous sentence is kind of a fake. I would be more excited about this milestone if I didn’t feel doomed to fail the last four weeks of my WW weigh-ins. Even though I have reached my 5% weight loss milestone…I’ve only lost .2 lbs in 2 weeks. I haven’t gained weight…true…but I haven’t really lost any either. I’m just very aware of my motivation loss and trying to figure out a way to get it back.
Speaking of that….WW has come out with an additional program for people who don’t really like to track what they eat (it is kind of a pain). This new plan, Simply Filling, just reminds me how I don’t need to pay someone to tell me how to eat healthy. What I’m saying is that the new plan is nothing you or I don’t know. If you eat these foods you will lose weight and/or live a healthier lifestyle. End of story. Duh. But they kind of put it in a list for you, that way what you can and can’t eat is pretty clear. The idea is that you can eat these foods whenever you’re hungry as long as you stop when you’re full and you don’t have to count the points they are worth. Also, you can still eat the sweets and fried food you like but they don’t count as power foods and you have to track those to stay on course. I know I haven’t been incorporating enough of these power foods into my diet. So incase you care what these power foods are here is the list:
Fruits
All fresh, frozen, or canned without added sugar
•Fruit canned in its own juice (drained)
•Fruit salad — mixed fruits with no added sugar
All fruits, except dried fruits and fruit juices, are zero PointsPlus values!
Vegetables
•Most fresh, frozen or canned without added sugar or oil — whether or not it has PointsPlus values per serving
•Potatoes — white, red sweet
All vegetables have zero PointsPlus values, except potatoes, peas, corn, and avocados. Avocados are not a Power Food.
Whole grains
•Brown and wild rice
•Hot cereals, cooked — without added sugar, dried fruits, or nuts
◦100% bran
◦Cream of rice
◦Cream of wheat
◦Grits
◦Oatmeal
•Pasta, whole-wheat or other whole-grain varieties
•Popcorn, air-popped, or 94% fat-free microwave-popped
•Whole-grain, ready-to-eat cereals without added sugar, dried fruits or nuts, and with 4g of fiber or more per serving
•Whole-grains such as:
◦Barley
◦Buckwheat
◦Bulgur
◦Cornmeal (polenta)
◦Whole-wheat couscous
◦Quinoa
Non-Fat Dairy and Dairy Substitutes
•Fat-free cheeses, including fat-free cottage cheese
•Fat-free milk and beverages made with fat-free milk, such as:
•Cappuccino or latte, as long as it’s sugar-free
•Yogurt, fat-free, plain or flavored with artificial sweetener
•Fat-free sour cream
•Soy products, unflavored and plain, such as:
•Calcium-fortified soy milk
•Unflavored soy milk
•Fat-free soy cheese
•Plain soy yogurt
Lean proteins (see food list for specific cuts and grinds)
•Beef, chicken, lamb, pork, turkey, veal: lean, trimmed, all skin removed
•Dried beans, including canned black, cannellini, kidney, refried, and white
•Dried peas, including black-eyed peas and split peas
•Eggs: Whole, whites, and fat-free substitute
•Game meats, including buffalo, elk, ostrich and venison
•Lentils
•Meat substitutes, including tofu and vegetarian burgers
•Most fish and shellfish: fresh, frozen, and canned
•Organ meats from beef, lamb, pork, veal, and poultry
Breads
◦Light English muffins
◦Light hot dog and hamburger rolls
◦Reduced-calorie (light) breads (whole grains are the best choice)
Soups
◦Broth, onion, and some broth- and tomato-based vegetable soups
Desserts
◦Sugar-free gelatin
Beverages
•Coffee (without sugar)
•Tea (without sugar)
•Diet soda
•Club soda
•Seltzer (plain or flavored, unsweetened)
•Water
Seasonings and condiments
•Baking powder
•Baking soda
•Capers
•Cocktail sauce
•Extracts
•Fat-free salad dressings
•Fat-free margarine
•Fat-free mayonnaise
•Flavorings
•Herbs
•Hot sauce (pepper sauce)
•Ketchup
•Lemon juice
•Lime juice
•Mustard
•Nonstick cooking or baking spray
•Salsa (fat-free)
•Soy sauce (shoyu)
•Spices
•Steak sauce
•Sugar substitutes
•Taco sauce
•Teriyaki sauce
•Vinegar
•Worcestershire Sauce
Healthy oils
Include 2 tsp each day without counting PointsPlus values. Use your weekly PointsPlus Allowance for any additional oil.
•Olive oil
•Canola oil
•Safflower oil
•Sunflower oil
•Flaxseed oil
I think this leaves a lot of meal options without having to mess with counting all those points. Now I can have my fruit smoothies, pasta, ranch dressing on salads, and buns on my hotdogs and burgers. I don’t have to count points for eggs or multigrain toast anymore! Best of all, I don’t have to count my fat-free cheese! Sorry, I’m a little excited. I won’t make any promises but I’m going to try to stick to these food choices for the next 4 weeks in order to get as close to my goal weight as possible.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
I Am Thankful
There is so much for me to be thankful for. Let’s take a step back five years ago to November 2006. I was 19, pregnant, newly married, a sophomore in college and living in my in-laws basement with my recently laid-off husband. What I did have was faith: faith that my little family was going to be just fine.
So look at me now. My little family has grown into four. I finished college, bought a house and was lucky enough to find a decent job. I married the most responsible, trustworthy, honest and dependable man on earth. I have a daughter and I have a son. I never really thought it wouldn’t be this way. It never occurred to me that things wouldn’t work out. When it comes to family, I saw myself exactly where I am right now. I always knew my life would be a polar opposite to the life I had as a kid. When you think about it, it’s such an amazing thing. Am I really so lucky that things just worked out in my favor? Or did I make it happen all by myself, because I made the right choices and never saw myself anywhere else? Either way…I am grateful. I am grateful that Briana is my daughter, Hudson is my son and Charles is my husband. For some reason God put our souls together and I am glad for that.
So look at me now. My little family has grown into four. I finished college, bought a house and was lucky enough to find a decent job. I married the most responsible, trustworthy, honest and dependable man on earth. I have a daughter and I have a son. I never really thought it wouldn’t be this way. It never occurred to me that things wouldn’t work out. When it comes to family, I saw myself exactly where I am right now. I always knew my life would be a polar opposite to the life I had as a kid. When you think about it, it’s such an amazing thing. Am I really so lucky that things just worked out in my favor? Or did I make it happen all by myself, because I made the right choices and never saw myself anywhere else? Either way…I am grateful. I am grateful that Briana is my daughter, Hudson is my son and Charles is my husband. For some reason God put our souls together and I am glad for that.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
My Thanksgiving Plea
I am not a grouch, a scrooge and I do not say bah-humbug! But for the sake of saving a great holiday, please consider holding your Christmas cheer until November 25. I love Christmas as much as the next Elf and I love Christmas music, and shopping, and putting up the tree. But something weird is happening. No one is excited about Thanksgiving.
This year might even be the start of the extinction of Black Friday. Suddenly, people can’t wait until the day after Thanksgiving to do holiday shopping; they want to do it the night of. I love shopping to, and I love getting great deals…but there is one thing wrong with this: more and more retail workers of the America have to miss a family holiday because they have to stand behind the cash register to check out your gifts. I think then, you are just as much to blame as the company who made them work. So it is my plea with you to not go shopping on Thursday…not even at 10pm. Enjoy the rest of fall. Enjoy your family. Cook, drink, be merry, but most of all…stay home! You have an entire month to shop, put up lights and sing Christmas carols. Stand up for those workers, and stand up for Thanksgiving. It should be appreciated for what it actually is, and not because it’s almost Christmas.
This year might even be the start of the extinction of Black Friday. Suddenly, people can’t wait until the day after Thanksgiving to do holiday shopping; they want to do it the night of. I love shopping to, and I love getting great deals…but there is one thing wrong with this: more and more retail workers of the America have to miss a family holiday because they have to stand behind the cash register to check out your gifts. I think then, you are just as much to blame as the company who made them work. So it is my plea with you to not go shopping on Thursday…not even at 10pm. Enjoy the rest of fall. Enjoy your family. Cook, drink, be merry, but most of all…stay home! You have an entire month to shop, put up lights and sing Christmas carols. Stand up for those workers, and stand up for Thanksgiving. It should be appreciated for what it actually is, and not because it’s almost Christmas.
Give Thanks and Let Go
Quick Update on WW Wednesdays...
Okay, when I wrote my last WW Wednesday’s blog post, I was a little nuts. 3.4 lbs in one week? Ha! I was just angry at myself for gaining. But it is the only time it has happened, and I shouldn’t go crazy on myself. Anyway…I weighed in today and I have reached my 5 % goal. I’m only .2 lbs away from my 10 lb sticker (I’ve actually lost 15ish but started WW after I started losing). So that is the update on my weight.
More…
Now, on to more important things. In the spirit of Thanksgiving I think we should all think of the things and people we have to be thankful for and let go of all the things or situations we wish we had. There is a truth to life, and it is this: There are things in life you can change, and there are things you can not. If it is something you can accomplish, then accomplish it. It’s going to be hard and it’s not going to happen over night, but it can be done. So stop saying, “I want a better job,” get off your lazy butt and start looking for one. Then, keep looking until you find it. But stop torturing yourself with the dream of it all. Turn your dreams into motivation, and make a commitment to yourself.
There are also the things, people and situations in your life that you can not change. Stop wishing you had better parents or siblings. Stop waiting on a million dollars to fall in your lap. If these things happen, then great! But don’t rely on it and don’t build your life around it. Especially when it comes to people, I now believe it’s important to purge ourselves of negative energy. No matter how much you love someone or wish they were a certain way…they’re just not and they probably won’t ever be. Consider letting go of these people...even if it’s slowly. You’re not going to miss them; you’re only going to be sad for what you wish they could have been, or the relationship you want. Everything in life revolves around energy. Letting go of that bad energy makes room for good energy. If you’re receiving a lot of negative energy in your life, you have to consider the quality of the energy you’re putting out. Karma is real.
I let go of my father a couple of years ago. It was hard. I thought what about Christmas, birthdays, and
“I Love Grandpa” mugs? I want to experience those things. I want my kids to have a grandpa, and I want to have a dad. But even if I kept in contact with him, it wouldn’t be all the love and fuzziness I so deeply desire. I can’t miss those things, because I never had them. And my kids wouldn’t have it either. Keeping him in my life was a daily reminder of the pain he’s caused me all my life. So even though I feel the same desire, keeping him doesn’t make that desire come true. At least by letting him go, time slowly heals the hurt and my wounds aren’t ripped open every time I talk to him.
So I say, don’t keep these people in your life. For Thanksgiving sake…truly be thankful for what and who you have and let go of what will never be. Push yourself to open up new opportunities and let go of old hurt. I can say…it gets better. There is a reason for everything in life. You're reading this blog for a reason.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Okay, when I wrote my last WW Wednesday’s blog post, I was a little nuts. 3.4 lbs in one week? Ha! I was just angry at myself for gaining. But it is the only time it has happened, and I shouldn’t go crazy on myself. Anyway…I weighed in today and I have reached my 5 % goal. I’m only .2 lbs away from my 10 lb sticker (I’ve actually lost 15ish but started WW after I started losing). So that is the update on my weight.
More…
Now, on to more important things. In the spirit of Thanksgiving I think we should all think of the things and people we have to be thankful for and let go of all the things or situations we wish we had. There is a truth to life, and it is this: There are things in life you can change, and there are things you can not. If it is something you can accomplish, then accomplish it. It’s going to be hard and it’s not going to happen over night, but it can be done. So stop saying, “I want a better job,” get off your lazy butt and start looking for one. Then, keep looking until you find it. But stop torturing yourself with the dream of it all. Turn your dreams into motivation, and make a commitment to yourself.
There are also the things, people and situations in your life that you can not change. Stop wishing you had better parents or siblings. Stop waiting on a million dollars to fall in your lap. If these things happen, then great! But don’t rely on it and don’t build your life around it. Especially when it comes to people, I now believe it’s important to purge ourselves of negative energy. No matter how much you love someone or wish they were a certain way…they’re just not and they probably won’t ever be. Consider letting go of these people...even if it’s slowly. You’re not going to miss them; you’re only going to be sad for what you wish they could have been, or the relationship you want. Everything in life revolves around energy. Letting go of that bad energy makes room for good energy. If you’re receiving a lot of negative energy in your life, you have to consider the quality of the energy you’re putting out. Karma is real.
I let go of my father a couple of years ago. It was hard. I thought what about Christmas, birthdays, and
“I Love Grandpa” mugs? I want to experience those things. I want my kids to have a grandpa, and I want to have a dad. But even if I kept in contact with him, it wouldn’t be all the love and fuzziness I so deeply desire. I can’t miss those things, because I never had them. And my kids wouldn’t have it either. Keeping him in my life was a daily reminder of the pain he’s caused me all my life. So even though I feel the same desire, keeping him doesn’t make that desire come true. At least by letting him go, time slowly heals the hurt and my wounds aren’t ripped open every time I talk to him.
So I say, don’t keep these people in your life. For Thanksgiving sake…truly be thankful for what and who you have and let go of what will never be. Push yourself to open up new opportunities and let go of old hurt. I can say…it gets better. There is a reason for everything in life. You're reading this blog for a reason.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Listen to the Whispers in Your Life
I’ve been watching Oprah’s Life Class again. I’m telling you people, this is quality TV. Anyway, one of the topics was about listening to our gut. All of us have heard that tiny voice in the back of our minds. It’s a tiny little part of ourself that says, hmmm, that’s not right. Something is off. Something is not as it was. I don’t know about you, but a lot of times I ignore that voice. Yesterday I asked myself why. Why, Ashley, do you ignore your inner voices? And then I answered myself: because I don’t trust them. I don’t trust myself. Now that I have discussed it with myself, I think it’s absurd. No one knows me better than me. Why in the world shouldn’t I trust myself? It seems as though we are the only animals in the world who sense danger, and walk straight into it.
An example of this is from a lady who appeared on the show. Having children, this story terrifies me. She was at home alone and playing with her two girls outside. The kids were very young. One is a baby, and the other 2 or 3 years old. They lived on a farm and had a long driveway. One day she noticed a truck driving up her driveway. She didn’t think anything of it because she said a lot of people drive up your driveway and then turn around when you live out in the country. But the truck kept coming towards them. She began to feel nervous but didn’t run into the house yet. She thought that might be silly. The truck came further and further but she still didn’t run inside because if this person needed help, it would seem very rude of her to leave. The man stopped his truck and got out. He could tell at this point that she was frightened and immediately said something like, I’m so so sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m lost, I’m looking for such and such…etc. She felt relieved because he was acting so nice. It occurred to her, who would want to hurt someone with two children? At this point I think she gave him directions and then turned around with her girls in arm, to walk back into the house. Suddenly she heard what she described as “thunderous” running footsteps coming up from behind her. The man pounced on them from behind and tackled all three of them to the ground. Feeling as a terrified mother would feel, this woman kicked, screamed, scratched, bit and fought this man as hard as she possibly could fight. It must have been intense, because luckily, the man got up and left.
How many stories have you heard of women who were victimized? And of those who survived, how many said, “I knew something wasn’t right.” I now believe that tiny voice is our first warning. Women worry so much about being polite and approachable that we overshadow our own instincts. Don’t ignore that voice. It could be the tiniest signal, the tiniest feeling of uneasiness. You don’t have to be an intelligent person to avoid danger.
This isn’t just a lesson for life or death situations. Despite what our insecurities tell us, trust yourself. Trust your voice. Life is sending us signals. It's speaking to us all of the time. There is a reason you're watching that show on TV or hearing that conversation on the radio. There's a reason you're unsure. There's a reason you're unhappy. There's a reason for your job, your spouse and the place you're having lunch today. There is a reason for all of it. It's not a mistake, it's not a coincidence. Treat your life as if it were specifically designed for you. Take it in. Listen to the whisper.
An example of this is from a lady who appeared on the show. Having children, this story terrifies me. She was at home alone and playing with her two girls outside. The kids were very young. One is a baby, and the other 2 or 3 years old. They lived on a farm and had a long driveway. One day she noticed a truck driving up her driveway. She didn’t think anything of it because she said a lot of people drive up your driveway and then turn around when you live out in the country. But the truck kept coming towards them. She began to feel nervous but didn’t run into the house yet. She thought that might be silly. The truck came further and further but she still didn’t run inside because if this person needed help, it would seem very rude of her to leave. The man stopped his truck and got out. He could tell at this point that she was frightened and immediately said something like, I’m so so sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m lost, I’m looking for such and such…etc. She felt relieved because he was acting so nice. It occurred to her, who would want to hurt someone with two children? At this point I think she gave him directions and then turned around with her girls in arm, to walk back into the house. Suddenly she heard what she described as “thunderous” running footsteps coming up from behind her. The man pounced on them from behind and tackled all three of them to the ground. Feeling as a terrified mother would feel, this woman kicked, screamed, scratched, bit and fought this man as hard as she possibly could fight. It must have been intense, because luckily, the man got up and left.
How many stories have you heard of women who were victimized? And of those who survived, how many said, “I knew something wasn’t right.” I now believe that tiny voice is our first warning. Women worry so much about being polite and approachable that we overshadow our own instincts. Don’t ignore that voice. It could be the tiniest signal, the tiniest feeling of uneasiness. You don’t have to be an intelligent person to avoid danger.
This isn’t just a lesson for life or death situations. Despite what our insecurities tell us, trust yourself. Trust your voice. Life is sending us signals. It's speaking to us all of the time. There is a reason you're watching that show on TV or hearing that conversation on the radio. There's a reason you're unsure. There's a reason you're unhappy. There's a reason for your job, your spouse and the place you're having lunch today. There is a reason for all of it. It's not a mistake, it's not a coincidence. Treat your life as if it were specifically designed for you. Take it in. Listen to the whisper.
Halloween 2011!
The kids had a great time. We stayed right in our little neighborhood for the first time this year and it was plenty enough.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Love Love and Love
Have I ever told you how much I LOVE my kids? Oh my gosh. The galaxy isn't a big enough place to hold the love I have for them. So instead of explaining it, I will show you with adorable pictures. Love, of any kind, is the greatest thing on earth. It's the secret you've been waiting for someone to tell you. So spread it and accept it in your life. Here's some of my Love...
Friday, October 28, 2011
Halloweeeeeen!
I would have to say that one of my favorite parts of having kids is that it gives me an excuse to do kid things. Going to pumpkin patches, watching Disney movies, watching cartoons, eating candy, and trick-or treating are just a few of my favorite avtivities.
This year Halloween is on a Monday, which kind of bites. Normally I would take the next day off but my sick kids have used up all my vacation days so we will just have to have fun and be tired the next day without worry. Briana is going to dress up as a Vampire Princess, and Hudson is going to be Pooh Bear! They will look somewhat like the pictures below, but way cuter. I will post actual pictures after the holiday. Happy Halloween!
This year Halloween is on a Monday, which kind of bites. Normally I would take the next day off but my sick kids have used up all my vacation days so we will just have to have fun and be tired the next day without worry. Briana is going to dress up as a Vampire Princess, and Hudson is going to be Pooh Bear! They will look somewhat like the pictures below, but way cuter. I will post actual pictures after the holiday. Happy Halloween!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
WW Wednesdays
For the first time, since I first weighed in, I actually gained weight. It was kind of a gradual process. I did so well the first week, I thought..."well, this is cake!" But I was wrong. Slowly I would let bad habits creep in. One week I would eat too much of my portion sizes, the next I would choose more and more food that didn't support my goals, and the next I would eat things that I didn't count on my points plan. Finally, with all of these bad habits eventually coming together, it caught up to me.
But it's okay. I'm not mad at myself. I know that I'm in control, and I can control what happens the next time I weigh in. I have a goal to reach and it's up to me to get there. It's not the scales fault. It's not the food's fault. It's all on me. So far I have lost 6.6 lbs (from the time I started WW).
Goal for next week: 3.4 lbs.
If I reach this goal it will make up for lost time, allow me to achieve my 10lb sticker, and my 5% sticker. Plus it will be my greatest weight loss in one week so far.
How I'm going to achieve this: I'm not going to use any extra weekly points, I'm going to count every single thing I put into my mouth, and exercise everyday. I realize this is going to be a difficult week, but I will tell myself that it's only ONE week. It will be like my little test. It will be the extra credit I need to make up for lost points. Wish me luck.
But it's okay. I'm not mad at myself. I know that I'm in control, and I can control what happens the next time I weigh in. I have a goal to reach and it's up to me to get there. It's not the scales fault. It's not the food's fault. It's all on me. So far I have lost 6.6 lbs (from the time I started WW).
Goal for next week: 3.4 lbs.
If I reach this goal it will make up for lost time, allow me to achieve my 10lb sticker, and my 5% sticker. Plus it will be my greatest weight loss in one week so far.
How I'm going to achieve this: I'm not going to use any extra weekly points, I'm going to count every single thing I put into my mouth, and exercise everyday. I realize this is going to be a difficult week, but I will tell myself that it's only ONE week. It will be like my little test. It will be the extra credit I need to make up for lost points. Wish me luck.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
When You Know Better, You Do Better
Just a quick update on my weekly weight loss: I lost another lb! Every week I think to myself that I’m not really losing the weight, I just happen to be lighter in the first half of the day when I haven’t eaten dinner (we weigh in at 11am). But even if that’s true, I keep getting a little bit lighter each time I weigh in. So if this is happening consistently every week, I must really be losing it (weight, not my mind).
Since we’re on the subject now, of losing one’s mind, I can tell you that in an effort to better my mental process I have been watching some of Oprah’s Life Class. The last time I watched the main theme was, “When you know better, you do better.” She explained that this means we can not hold our selves hostage for the mistakes we have made in the past. Even if it’s the most terrible mistake of your life, it’s over now. Now you know better, so you can do better. What’s important is that you learn from it and apply that knowledge to the rest of your life. And it’s just another reason why we should not judge any other person for their past. We should only be judged for the person we are now, for the person we are trying to become.
I don't know about you, but I'm still trying to find my way.
Since we’re on the subject now, of losing one’s mind, I can tell you that in an effort to better my mental process I have been watching some of Oprah’s Life Class. The last time I watched the main theme was, “When you know better, you do better.” She explained that this means we can not hold our selves hostage for the mistakes we have made in the past. Even if it’s the most terrible mistake of your life, it’s over now. Now you know better, so you can do better. What’s important is that you learn from it and apply that knowledge to the rest of your life. And it’s just another reason why we should not judge any other person for their past. We should only be judged for the person we are now, for the person we are trying to become.
I don't know about you, but I'm still trying to find my way.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
WW Wednesdays
It's Wednesday, and once again I stood on the scale. I try to tell myself before the weigh-in that it's not a big deal if I don't lose anything. That just means I need to try harder the next week, and not make all the mistakes I made last week. But it's always a little nerve-racking anyway. Today I stepped on the scale and learned that I had lost another 1.5 lbs! I can't help but to be excited. I got my 5lb sticker today and since I’ve been walking with my great friend Aryn, I've lost over 10lbs.
Again, it's not the number that is important, but until I reach a range that is healthy for my body type, it is a valid reminder of my hard work, and a result of my new lifestyle. It shows me every week that if I do the work it will pay off. I am now in a range that I haven't seen since before Hudson, and my mind still doesn't quite get it. I can't believe I'm actually doing it this time. It only makes me want to push further.
Again, it's not the number that is important, but until I reach a range that is healthy for my body type, it is a valid reminder of my hard work, and a result of my new lifestyle. It shows me every week that if I do the work it will pay off. I am now in a range that I haven't seen since before Hudson, and my mind still doesn't quite get it. I can't believe I'm actually doing it this time. It only makes me want to push further.
Monday, October 10, 2011
My Ego Self...My True Self
Today I was excited to watch Oprah's Life Class. I know the whole Oprah thing is a little over-rated but you have to agree that there isn't much on television these days that empowers us to discover and identify with our true selves.
Today's show was about ego. When you think about ego, you might think of someone who is haughty, arrogant, or snotty. But ego isn't all about "acting out". Ego is every thought you have about yourself. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm rich. I'm poor. I'm amazing. I'm stupid. You get the idea. Ego is also how you identify with the things around you. It's how you identify with your salary, your status in the company you work for, your educational background, your friends, your spouse, etc. Ego is when you think that you, as a person, are better or worse because of these THINGS. For example, I often have the thought that I'm not good enough because I'm over weight. Or, on the other end, I sometimes have the thought that I'm better than others around me because I have a four year degree, and they don't.
That is ego.
I remember they mentioned that people often get defensive when their opinions are challenged. This is another example of ego. "You're challenging MY beliefs? MY values?" We feel as if we are being attacked. The lesson was about being aware of these thoughts, recognizing that they are coming from your "ego" self, and being able to separate your true self from it. I think we have to step back at times and remember, "Whoa, that's my ego talking." We can't control all of our thoughts but we have the ability to recognize and learn from them. I think we are never done trying to figure out who we are, and if you learn to recognize that ego voice, you are getting closer and closer to your true self.
No "thing" defines who we are. When you are working towards a goal, ask yourself, why am I doing this? Does the answer come from your ego self, or true self?
Today's show was about ego. When you think about ego, you might think of someone who is haughty, arrogant, or snotty. But ego isn't all about "acting out". Ego is every thought you have about yourself. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm rich. I'm poor. I'm amazing. I'm stupid. You get the idea. Ego is also how you identify with the things around you. It's how you identify with your salary, your status in the company you work for, your educational background, your friends, your spouse, etc. Ego is when you think that you, as a person, are better or worse because of these THINGS. For example, I often have the thought that I'm not good enough because I'm over weight. Or, on the other end, I sometimes have the thought that I'm better than others around me because I have a four year degree, and they don't.
That is ego.
I remember they mentioned that people often get defensive when their opinions are challenged. This is another example of ego. "You're challenging MY beliefs? MY values?" We feel as if we are being attacked. The lesson was about being aware of these thoughts, recognizing that they are coming from your "ego" self, and being able to separate your true self from it. I think we have to step back at times and remember, "Whoa, that's my ego talking." We can't control all of our thoughts but we have the ability to recognize and learn from them. I think we are never done trying to figure out who we are, and if you learn to recognize that ego voice, you are getting closer and closer to your true self.
No "thing" defines who we are. When you are working towards a goal, ask yourself, why am I doing this? Does the answer come from your ego self, or true self?
Saturday, October 8, 2011
The Easiest Recipe in the World!
If you're like me, you like to cook but you don't have a lot of time. You need to make something fast, and it needs to be easy. In my WW journal, I discovered the easiest dessert recipe ever! And Hudson helped me make it. All you need is 1 can of your favorite pie filling, and 1 regular box of angel food cake. I bought light cherry filling but use whatever you like best. That's right, only two ingredients! Here's what you do...
Get your ingredients ready.
Mix the cake mix and pie filling together.
Let a little man try the batter.
Bake in the oven for 25-30mins at 350 while the little man plays with your pans.
Cool, and cut into squares.
VOILÀ!
I promise. It tastes so yummy. Another plus...it's not all that bad for you either. Go ahead...bake it!
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Weight Watchers Wednesdays
It’s been a long hard week, and I always look forward to Wednesdays to bring me back to earth. I weighed in today, and did okay but not as well as I had hoped. I lost 1.8 lbs, which gives me a total loss of 4 lbs since I’ve joined WW. It’s great that I lost and it’s great that I stayed inside of my point limit, but I know that my activity level and food choices affected the total. I didn’t walk as much this week, I didn’t eat as many fruits and vegetables, I didn’t drink as much water, or plan my meals. It was a very willy-nilly kind of week. I guess I just thought if I stayed inside my points, a magical fairy would wave her wand and POOF!-I’d be three pounds lighter.
So here are my goals for this week:
1.) More Fruits veggies -I think these make great in-between meal snacks.
2.) More Water-I don’t know why I have such a problem drinking liquids all day
3.) More Walks – Jake loves to walk and I should start taking him about 3 times a week. He can be my walking buddy!
4.) Take a multivitamin – I would really love if these weren’t the size of horse pills.
5.) Planning my meals – I have a little time to myself at night when the kids go to bed. I think this is the perfect time to plan. It doesn’t take long and it makes the next day less stressful.
My goal is always to lose two pounds a week, and technically, since it’s been two weeks and I’ve lost four pounds, I’m still on track. I really want to get my five pound sticker next week! But what I really want is for all these healthy choices to become a normal part of my life.
So here are my goals for this week:
1.) More Fruits veggies -I think these make great in-between meal snacks.
2.) More Water-I don’t know why I have such a problem drinking liquids all day
3.) More Walks – Jake loves to walk and I should start taking him about 3 times a week. He can be my walking buddy!
4.) Take a multivitamin – I would really love if these weren’t the size of horse pills.
5.) Planning my meals – I have a little time to myself at night when the kids go to bed. I think this is the perfect time to plan. It doesn’t take long and it makes the next day less stressful.
My goal is always to lose two pounds a week, and technically, since it’s been two weeks and I’ve lost four pounds, I’m still on track. I really want to get my five pound sticker next week! But what I really want is for all these healthy choices to become a normal part of my life.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Weight Watchers Wednesdays
Today I weighed in. It’s the first week I’ve been on the program and I was very excited to see if it worked for me. Are you ready? Since last week I am officially a little over TWO POUNDS lighter! If I have the same success next week, I will see a number on the scale I haven’t seen since I was pregnant with Hudson. I really am so proud of myself, and feel so motivated from the meeting to keep going another week.
Despite what the name may imply, Weight Watchers is not all about the number we see on the scale. It’s about how our health influences the number on the scale. The number is important to me because it’s one measure of how close I am to being my healthiest, but there are other measures. Like I’ve said before, skinny does not equal healthy. The WW class leader asked us today to list details of our success. In other words, besides what I see on the scale, how do I know my new eating and exercising habits are working for me? Well, I know because I plan my meals based on their nutritional values. I know, because I take time at night to walk. I know, because I have more energy and I feel happier. I know, because I’m making my health a priority. These are all things I’ve never done before, and now they seem important to me.
A week may sound like a short amount of time now that it’s over. But let me tell you, following this system for an entire week is huge for me. I don’t feel like I’m feeling my way around in the dark anymore. I have guidelines, I have a teacher, I have people to relate with, and I have a goal. Since I started walking, I’ve lost 9lbs. I’m so motivated.
It’s a whole new week, with brand new points. Wish me luck.
Despite what the name may imply, Weight Watchers is not all about the number we see on the scale. It’s about how our health influences the number on the scale. The number is important to me because it’s one measure of how close I am to being my healthiest, but there are other measures. Like I’ve said before, skinny does not equal healthy. The WW class leader asked us today to list details of our success. In other words, besides what I see on the scale, how do I know my new eating and exercising habits are working for me? Well, I know because I plan my meals based on their nutritional values. I know, because I take time at night to walk. I know, because I have more energy and I feel happier. I know, because I’m making my health a priority. These are all things I’ve never done before, and now they seem important to me.
A week may sound like a short amount of time now that it’s over. But let me tell you, following this system for an entire week is huge for me. I don’t feel like I’m feeling my way around in the dark anymore. I have guidelines, I have a teacher, I have people to relate with, and I have a goal. Since I started walking, I’ve lost 9lbs. I’m so motivated.
It’s a whole new week, with brand new points. Wish me luck.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Weight Watchers Wednesday
Yes, I'm on the weight loss kick, again. Today is not Wednesday, but I’m writing this as an introduction. Every Wednesday from now until the end of the year, I have a Weight Watchers (WW) meeting at work. Yes it’s a little expensive, but at my company you get your money back when you reach your goal (10% for everyone).
It’s all about points. Everything you eat has a point value (PointsPlus) that is calculated based on fat, carbohydrates, protein and fiber. Basically, these are all key components to a person’s diet but typically you want less fat and carbs while taking in more fiber and protein. It’s a careful balance. I, for example, am allowed to eat 31 points per day (no one eats less than 29 per day). I’m also allowed to have an extra 49 points per week for special occasions, weekends, nights out, etc. The WW program says if I follow the points system then I will lose weight. So if I want a Big Mac, I can have a Big Mac, so long as I count the points. But there’s a catch. Obviously, a Big Mac is not the healthiest sandwich. It’s high in protein, but also high in fat. When you figure it, a Big Mac is worth about 15 points. 15 points! That’s nearly half of my daily allowance in one sandwich. So I have to think to myself, is it worth it? Do I want spend half of my daily points all at once? Probably not. I’ve learned that a Big Mac is a treat, and if I’m going to eat it I have to be more balanced the rest of the day, and it’s best to include the Mac in my extra weekly points.
The best thing about the PointsPlus plan is that all fruits and most vegetables are worth 0 points (potatoes and corn have starch so they are worth a few points). If I use all of my points during the day but feel like I need a snack around 9pm, I can have an apple, strawberries, celery, etc. The key, as always, is to eat slow and stop when you’re full. You’re also encouraged to eat power foods like lien protein, and low fat dairy. On top of that, your daily point number increases depending on the amount of activity you do. When you burn more calories, you get to eat more points.
All in all I think this program is just a way to numerically measure your diet and nutrition. It’s nothing new. It’s nothing I haven’t been told before. But it’s helping me to use numbers in order to track what I’m eating on a day to day basis. I can write the points down or keep track of them online, or even on my phone. And I don’t have to continue the program for life if I don’t want to because I have the calculator and I know how to do it. The only motivation for staying in the program is because I am held accountable and encouraged to reach my goals by going to meetings (Oh, and I get my money back!).
I’ve been walking now a few times a week for a couple of months so I had already lost about 4 lbs before I started the program last week, but even only doing it a week, I can tell it’s working. Mostly, it’s just nice to have a formula to keep me on track, and to have meetings to look forward to. It really helps. It really, really helps. Stay tuned for tomorrow and I’ll tell you if I’m right. (Man, I hope I’m right!)
It’s all about points. Everything you eat has a point value (PointsPlus) that is calculated based on fat, carbohydrates, protein and fiber. Basically, these are all key components to a person’s diet but typically you want less fat and carbs while taking in more fiber and protein. It’s a careful balance. I, for example, am allowed to eat 31 points per day (no one eats less than 29 per day). I’m also allowed to have an extra 49 points per week for special occasions, weekends, nights out, etc. The WW program says if I follow the points system then I will lose weight. So if I want a Big Mac, I can have a Big Mac, so long as I count the points. But there’s a catch. Obviously, a Big Mac is not the healthiest sandwich. It’s high in protein, but also high in fat. When you figure it, a Big Mac is worth about 15 points. 15 points! That’s nearly half of my daily allowance in one sandwich. So I have to think to myself, is it worth it? Do I want spend half of my daily points all at once? Probably not. I’ve learned that a Big Mac is a treat, and if I’m going to eat it I have to be more balanced the rest of the day, and it’s best to include the Mac in my extra weekly points.
The best thing about the PointsPlus plan is that all fruits and most vegetables are worth 0 points (potatoes and corn have starch so they are worth a few points). If I use all of my points during the day but feel like I need a snack around 9pm, I can have an apple, strawberries, celery, etc. The key, as always, is to eat slow and stop when you’re full. You’re also encouraged to eat power foods like lien protein, and low fat dairy. On top of that, your daily point number increases depending on the amount of activity you do. When you burn more calories, you get to eat more points.
All in all I think this program is just a way to numerically measure your diet and nutrition. It’s nothing new. It’s nothing I haven’t been told before. But it’s helping me to use numbers in order to track what I’m eating on a day to day basis. I can write the points down or keep track of them online, or even on my phone. And I don’t have to continue the program for life if I don’t want to because I have the calculator and I know how to do it. The only motivation for staying in the program is because I am held accountable and encouraged to reach my goals by going to meetings (Oh, and I get my money back!).
I’ve been walking now a few times a week for a couple of months so I had already lost about 4 lbs before I started the program last week, but even only doing it a week, I can tell it’s working. Mostly, it’s just nice to have a formula to keep me on track, and to have meetings to look forward to. It really helps. It really, really helps. Stay tuned for tomorrow and I’ll tell you if I’m right. (Man, I hope I’m right!)
Monday, September 26, 2011
Painting Pinecones
After seeing a friends blog post, I got the idea to paint my own pinecones (with Briana's help, of course) and either put them in a vase or make my own fall wreath. I don't have a wreath, the stuff to make a wreath, or a clear vase (yet) but I did get some pinecones. So here they are...our painted pinecones. They are patiently waiting for a home.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
The Lion King...in 3D!
I still cried when Mufasa died. And my favorite part is still when Rifiki hits Simba on the head with his stick.
We ate skittles, drank water, and had a good ol' time. I hope Disney does this again when Hudson is old enough to go. It will always be my favorite Disney movie!
Monday, September 19, 2011
A Serious Post...I Promise a Light One After This
I struggled with whether or not to publish a post on this topic. My struggle comes from two opposing points: privacy and awareness. The topic is private and personal to me, but it’s also something you should be aware of, something millions of Americans suffer from. It’s something I was diagnosed with as a teenager and something I think I’m dealing with currently. I am talking about depression.
Depression is more than a mood disorder; it’s an everyday struggle of the mind and body. Although I make good decisions, lead a good home life, suffer from no addiction to medication, illegal drugs or alcohol (things that many depressed individuals have trouble achieving) I can’t always shake feelings of doubt, fear, failure, grief, overall sadness, and sometimes panic in my daily decision making process. These feelings of inadequacy and negativity are overwhelming. They consume me at times. It’s like a wise and confident angel on one shoulder, and a sad, grieving, very scared little angel on the other. Every time I am faced with a decision (whether it be getting out of bed in the morning or changing careers) I have to choose which angel to listen to. Even though part of me knows I should listen to the confident angel, most days it’s just too hard. The sad angel tells me I’m not good enough, strong enough, pretty enough, or smart enough. She reminds me of all the times I have failed. She talks about my past and she fears my future. I know you can relate to this because everyone has those opposing forces in life, but what I’m trying to say is that these forces are amplified with people who suffer from depression. If you’ve ever heard the term “chemical imbalance,” that’s truly what it is. It’s an utter and total imbalance of chemicals in your brain that trigger mood responses. The sad angel is somehow much larger than the confident one, and therefore she is louder and more powerful.
Depression can lead to sleep disorders, eating disorders, daily fatigue, excessive crying, lack of sex drive, problems concentrating, indecisiveness, irritability, lack of interest in normal activities, muscle pain, and worse case scenario…suicide. Someone you know may be suffering from it right now.
So please imagine my struggle. I am a mother of two, married, career going woman. Many people depend on me. Many people ask for my advice and input. My family needs me to guide them; to shed a positive light on everything we face. At the very least, I have to pretend to be strong and happy. And why shouldn’t I be happy? I’m not blind. I can see my blessings. They are the source of what little strength that manages to exist inside me. I have everything going for me. I am the poster mother of an American family. My children are healthy and my husband treats me right. I have home, a new car, two cats and dog. What could possibly make me so damn sad all the time? I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.
I'm tired of thinking about it so hard. I’m tired of feeling ashamed and awkward. We must take responsibility for ourselves. I read somewhere that 2/3 of Americans who suffer from depression are too embarrassed to tell their doctor. I also read somewhere that 80% of those who get the courage to talk with their doctor, get treatment, and feel significant improvement in their daily lives. It occurs more so in woman, than men (not surprising). I want to be of the 80%.
So this is me opening up. I don’t even like to say that I’m “depressed.” The word is too dramatic…too emo. I like to say that I’m searching for internal peace, lightness. I think I am lucky because I still have the ability to filter my sadness. I can at least recognize and confront an unreasonable thought. Depression becomes dangerous without this filter and I think the longer you suffer from it, the weaker the filter gets. Maybe you or someone you know is experiencing something similar. You’re not alone. There is help.
I'm off to see the doctor...
Depression is more than a mood disorder; it’s an everyday struggle of the mind and body. Although I make good decisions, lead a good home life, suffer from no addiction to medication, illegal drugs or alcohol (things that many depressed individuals have trouble achieving) I can’t always shake feelings of doubt, fear, failure, grief, overall sadness, and sometimes panic in my daily decision making process. These feelings of inadequacy and negativity are overwhelming. They consume me at times. It’s like a wise and confident angel on one shoulder, and a sad, grieving, very scared little angel on the other. Every time I am faced with a decision (whether it be getting out of bed in the morning or changing careers) I have to choose which angel to listen to. Even though part of me knows I should listen to the confident angel, most days it’s just too hard. The sad angel tells me I’m not good enough, strong enough, pretty enough, or smart enough. She reminds me of all the times I have failed. She talks about my past and she fears my future. I know you can relate to this because everyone has those opposing forces in life, but what I’m trying to say is that these forces are amplified with people who suffer from depression. If you’ve ever heard the term “chemical imbalance,” that’s truly what it is. It’s an utter and total imbalance of chemicals in your brain that trigger mood responses. The sad angel is somehow much larger than the confident one, and therefore she is louder and more powerful.
Depression can lead to sleep disorders, eating disorders, daily fatigue, excessive crying, lack of sex drive, problems concentrating, indecisiveness, irritability, lack of interest in normal activities, muscle pain, and worse case scenario…suicide. Someone you know may be suffering from it right now.
So please imagine my struggle. I am a mother of two, married, career going woman. Many people depend on me. Many people ask for my advice and input. My family needs me to guide them; to shed a positive light on everything we face. At the very least, I have to pretend to be strong and happy. And why shouldn’t I be happy? I’m not blind. I can see my blessings. They are the source of what little strength that manages to exist inside me. I have everything going for me. I am the poster mother of an American family. My children are healthy and my husband treats me right. I have home, a new car, two cats and dog. What could possibly make me so damn sad all the time? I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.
I'm tired of thinking about it so hard. I’m tired of feeling ashamed and awkward. We must take responsibility for ourselves. I read somewhere that 2/3 of Americans who suffer from depression are too embarrassed to tell their doctor. I also read somewhere that 80% of those who get the courage to talk with their doctor, get treatment, and feel significant improvement in their daily lives. It occurs more so in woman, than men (not surprising). I want to be of the 80%.
So this is me opening up. I don’t even like to say that I’m “depressed.” The word is too dramatic…too emo. I like to say that I’m searching for internal peace, lightness. I think I am lucky because I still have the ability to filter my sadness. I can at least recognize and confront an unreasonable thought. Depression becomes dangerous without this filter and I think the longer you suffer from it, the weaker the filter gets. Maybe you or someone you know is experiencing something similar. You’re not alone. There is help.
I'm off to see the doctor...
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
A Typical Morning in My Funny and Normal Life
In case you're wondering what it's like to be me in the AM...well it's not so bad. A little busy...but not so bad. You’re probably not wondering at all, but I’m going to tell you anyway.
I wake up at 5am. I lay there until I can feel Charles hovering over me, impatiently, waiting to make the bed. I let out a deep breath and sit on the edge of the bed, then stand...slowly. It's hard to get up at 5 am. I make my way over to the dresser where I sleepily grab my things for the shower. I make my way to the bathroom with my eyes closed because the light is dreadfully bright. I shower. I put my hair in a towel. I am still not awake and proceed to unmake the bed Charles just made. I lay there while Charles showers, and think hard of a good excuse not to go to work. Sometimes I think of one, and stay home. But most other days I decide there isn't a good enough reason and get up to get ready. Charles gets out of the shower and usually says something sarcastic like, "Isn't it a beautiful morning?” I groan. Charles fixes the bed...again. I get ready. Charles wakes up Briana and gets her dressed. Sometimes Briana is a happy morning person. Sometimes Briana is like me. On the mornings she is like me, we argue about the pants I have picked out for her, and then we argue about whether or not her hair should go up.
"It's going to be in your face." I say.
"I like it in my face." She says.
"It's looks pretty up." I say.
"I want it down!" She says.
"I'll let you take your Barbie to school." I say.
"Okay." She says.
She goes down for breakfast and I finish up in the bathroom. I creep into Hudson's room. I stare at him for a minute. He still lays face flat on the bed with his butt in the air. I hate waking him up. Babies should always sleep as long as possible. I rub his back and he starts to stretch. Then he reaches for me to hold him. We walk down the stairs together. If he see's Jake (our Golden Retriever) he will point at him and say, "No bite Jake!" If he see's one of the cats he will say, "Kitty Kitty! Meow!" I laugh and put him in the highchair. I put some cereal, a waffle, or strudel on his plate. He takes a few bites, and then he plays with it or throws it on the floor. Briana, too, has issues with eating in the morning. Sometimes I spend the rest of the morning pleading with both of them to eat more.
At about this time I get mad at myself for not making my lunch the night before, unless it's Thursday. On Thursday I usually go out for lunch with co-workers, so I’m glad I don't have to spend time making it in the morning or being mad at myself for not making it last night. But since it's usually not Thursday I spend two or three minutes staring inside the fridge door deciding what I should make. Eventually I break down and make a sandwich, or throw a frozen meal in a Wal-Mart bag. Charles eats breakfast and kisses us goodbye. I clean up Hudson and Briana and if we have time, let them watch a few minutes of whatever is on Nickelodeon. Bad parenting? Probably. But I need a few minutes to gather my things...and no matter what people say, Dora is educational!
I put laundry in the dryer, if it's done washing. I walk Jake in the front yard while I simultaneously keep a close distance with Hudson who has followed me outside and is trying to master the porch steps. I put Jake in his cage and tell Briana it's time to put on her shoes. She cries and says she doesn't want to wear her sandals and insists on wearing flip flops. I tell her they are not good for school and demand she puts on her sandals. She tells me I'm a mean mommy.
I tell Hudson to find his shoes. I always do this last. Hudson associates shoes with, "Bye Bye" and gets very excited. He says, "Bye Bye?" and claps his little hands. If we can't leave immediately after we put the shoes on, he has a temper tantrum.
Finally, it's time to get in the car. Car Seats buckled? Check. Sippy cups? Check. Briana's nap time stuffed toy? Check. My lunch? Check. I take them to preschool and they kiss me goodbye. Briana doesn’t think I’m mean anymore, and Hudson is just happy that I’ve left him in a room full of toys. I trust the teachers will take care of them…which was hard to accept at first. And then it's time to head out into the big, scary, adult filled world. Trust me, I'd much rather be at home with them.
So on any weekday, this is pretty much the routine. It's typical for us, normal, chaotic, and stressful. I think most typical parents would agree. But mostly, it's just wonderful. If you don't have kids, and still want to have kids after reading this, then it was meant to be. ;)
I wake up at 5am. I lay there until I can feel Charles hovering over me, impatiently, waiting to make the bed. I let out a deep breath and sit on the edge of the bed, then stand...slowly. It's hard to get up at 5 am. I make my way over to the dresser where I sleepily grab my things for the shower. I make my way to the bathroom with my eyes closed because the light is dreadfully bright. I shower. I put my hair in a towel. I am still not awake and proceed to unmake the bed Charles just made. I lay there while Charles showers, and think hard of a good excuse not to go to work. Sometimes I think of one, and stay home. But most other days I decide there isn't a good enough reason and get up to get ready. Charles gets out of the shower and usually says something sarcastic like, "Isn't it a beautiful morning?” I groan. Charles fixes the bed...again. I get ready. Charles wakes up Briana and gets her dressed. Sometimes Briana is a happy morning person. Sometimes Briana is like me. On the mornings she is like me, we argue about the pants I have picked out for her, and then we argue about whether or not her hair should go up.
"It's going to be in your face." I say.
"I like it in my face." She says.
"It's looks pretty up." I say.
"I want it down!" She says.
"I'll let you take your Barbie to school." I say.
"Okay." She says.
She goes down for breakfast and I finish up in the bathroom. I creep into Hudson's room. I stare at him for a minute. He still lays face flat on the bed with his butt in the air. I hate waking him up. Babies should always sleep as long as possible. I rub his back and he starts to stretch. Then he reaches for me to hold him. We walk down the stairs together. If he see's Jake (our Golden Retriever) he will point at him and say, "No bite Jake!" If he see's one of the cats he will say, "Kitty Kitty! Meow!" I laugh and put him in the highchair. I put some cereal, a waffle, or strudel on his plate. He takes a few bites, and then he plays with it or throws it on the floor. Briana, too, has issues with eating in the morning. Sometimes I spend the rest of the morning pleading with both of them to eat more.
At about this time I get mad at myself for not making my lunch the night before, unless it's Thursday. On Thursday I usually go out for lunch with co-workers, so I’m glad I don't have to spend time making it in the morning or being mad at myself for not making it last night. But since it's usually not Thursday I spend two or three minutes staring inside the fridge door deciding what I should make. Eventually I break down and make a sandwich, or throw a frozen meal in a Wal-Mart bag. Charles eats breakfast and kisses us goodbye. I clean up Hudson and Briana and if we have time, let them watch a few minutes of whatever is on Nickelodeon. Bad parenting? Probably. But I need a few minutes to gather my things...and no matter what people say, Dora is educational!
I put laundry in the dryer, if it's done washing. I walk Jake in the front yard while I simultaneously keep a close distance with Hudson who has followed me outside and is trying to master the porch steps. I put Jake in his cage and tell Briana it's time to put on her shoes. She cries and says she doesn't want to wear her sandals and insists on wearing flip flops. I tell her they are not good for school and demand she puts on her sandals. She tells me I'm a mean mommy.
I tell Hudson to find his shoes. I always do this last. Hudson associates shoes with, "Bye Bye" and gets very excited. He says, "Bye Bye?" and claps his little hands. If we can't leave immediately after we put the shoes on, he has a temper tantrum.
Finally, it's time to get in the car. Car Seats buckled? Check. Sippy cups? Check. Briana's nap time stuffed toy? Check. My lunch? Check. I take them to preschool and they kiss me goodbye. Briana doesn’t think I’m mean anymore, and Hudson is just happy that I’ve left him in a room full of toys. I trust the teachers will take care of them…which was hard to accept at first. And then it's time to head out into the big, scary, adult filled world. Trust me, I'd much rather be at home with them.
So on any weekday, this is pretty much the routine. It's typical for us, normal, chaotic, and stressful. I think most typical parents would agree. But mostly, it's just wonderful. If you don't have kids, and still want to have kids after reading this, then it was meant to be. ;)
Keep Climbing
“I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.” - Harry S Truman
I think this is the approach I’m going to take with my kids, and I think this is the approach that everyone should take with their own lives. Figure out what it is that you want to do and do it. No excuses. If it takes ten weeks, or ten years…it doesn’t matter. Sometimes we sit around and wish hard for it to be tomorrow, or we wish hard for it to be two months from now, or three years from now. Maybe you’re looking forward to getting married, having a baby, paying off debt, buying a home. Maybe you’ve experienced loss lately, and you’re searching for peace. Maybe you’re just in some kind of stupid slump. Whatever it is…we probably shouldn’t wish so hard to be in that place we’re searching for. Life is always going to be uphill. Did you hear that? It’s ALWAYS uphill. We will always have to fight for what we want and sometimes what we need. When you finally think you’ve reached your goal, there’s only going to be a new one to strive for. And how un-magical would that destination be anyway…if you could just snap your fingers to get there?
Go ahead and cry. Go ahead and stomp your feet. Whine and complain about how life sucks, how you never get your way, how the universe is out to get you. Feel sorry for yourself. Get mad at yourself. Go ahead and bitch. I do everyday. You don’t have to feel guilty about it either. It’s okay, as long as you do it on the way to where you’re going. It’s okay as long as you come back from it and learn from it.
Okay, now that I’ve convinced myself…did I convince you? I know it’s so cliché…but we have the power. No matter your situation...now matter how hard it seems…no matter how much you don’t want to believe it…at the end of the day you have the power to be your best self. We can’t blame other people. We can’t even blame our situations. You may have a harder road or a longer road than someone you know but that’s just life. Sometimes life is hard and it’s almost always unfair. I get sad sometimes and I wish hard to wake up and be 20 lbs lighter. I wish hard to fast forward a year and start the underwriting program. I wish hard to win the lottery. On a deeper level I wish hard to find peace everyday, I wish hard to find a consistent flow of happiness, I wish hard to better the relationships between me and family or to have the strength to let some of these ties go loose. But what’s with all this wishing? I can do something this very moment to make that goal a little closer.
Don’t like your situation? Then change it. Don’t say, “It’s too hard.” You’ll never make it that way. Seriously! Ten years will go by…then twenty, and you’ll still be saying, “It’s too hard.” So that’s your choice. Stay where you are or move ahead. Accept your life or improve it. Half of life is fate. The other half is up to you and me.
Man, I’ve got to start taking my own advice…
I think this is the approach I’m going to take with my kids, and I think this is the approach that everyone should take with their own lives. Figure out what it is that you want to do and do it. No excuses. If it takes ten weeks, or ten years…it doesn’t matter. Sometimes we sit around and wish hard for it to be tomorrow, or we wish hard for it to be two months from now, or three years from now. Maybe you’re looking forward to getting married, having a baby, paying off debt, buying a home. Maybe you’ve experienced loss lately, and you’re searching for peace. Maybe you’re just in some kind of stupid slump. Whatever it is…we probably shouldn’t wish so hard to be in that place we’re searching for. Life is always going to be uphill. Did you hear that? It’s ALWAYS uphill. We will always have to fight for what we want and sometimes what we need. When you finally think you’ve reached your goal, there’s only going to be a new one to strive for. And how un-magical would that destination be anyway…if you could just snap your fingers to get there?
Go ahead and cry. Go ahead and stomp your feet. Whine and complain about how life sucks, how you never get your way, how the universe is out to get you. Feel sorry for yourself. Get mad at yourself. Go ahead and bitch. I do everyday. You don’t have to feel guilty about it either. It’s okay, as long as you do it on the way to where you’re going. It’s okay as long as you come back from it and learn from it.
Okay, now that I’ve convinced myself…did I convince you? I know it’s so cliché…but we have the power. No matter your situation...now matter how hard it seems…no matter how much you don’t want to believe it…at the end of the day you have the power to be your best self. We can’t blame other people. We can’t even blame our situations. You may have a harder road or a longer road than someone you know but that’s just life. Sometimes life is hard and it’s almost always unfair. I get sad sometimes and I wish hard to wake up and be 20 lbs lighter. I wish hard to fast forward a year and start the underwriting program. I wish hard to win the lottery. On a deeper level I wish hard to find peace everyday, I wish hard to find a consistent flow of happiness, I wish hard to better the relationships between me and family or to have the strength to let some of these ties go loose. But what’s with all this wishing? I can do something this very moment to make that goal a little closer.
Don’t like your situation? Then change it. Don’t say, “It’s too hard.” You’ll never make it that way. Seriously! Ten years will go by…then twenty, and you’ll still be saying, “It’s too hard.” So that’s your choice. Stay where you are or move ahead. Accept your life or improve it. Half of life is fate. The other half is up to you and me.
Man, I’ve got to start taking my own advice…
Thursday, September 8, 2011
5 Years Together
In a little over a month, Charles and I will have been married for 5 years. We have been together for over 7. In all honesty…relationships are hard. Marriage is even harder. I’d be a liar if I told you I never doubted our relationship. I’d be a liar if I told you I have never been so angry with him that I thought about leaving a time or two. But in those times of doubt, in those times of hurt and anger, I always found peace because I knew the answers to the following questions:
1.) Does he love me? Oh yes…oh yes he does. I’ve never once believed that there was even a possibility that he didn’t or that he is less in love with me today than he was when we first met. Men are less emotional than woman. They are usually more practical and straightforward. It’s a hard lesson for woman to learn, but even if he doesn’t say it or show it at times…it doesn’t mean it isn’t so. They need a little push. They need to learn to communicate in a more open way, much in the way we women need to learn to stop being so overly dramatic about life. If you are around each other long enough, you will rub off on each other and things eventually even out. We teach them…and they teach us. But I think it’s mostly the first.
2.) Would he ever be unfaithful, or hurt me in any way? Not in a million years. Not in bajillion, or zillion years. I have such a faith in my husband in this way. You might think that other women have felt this way… and then BOOM! They find an old girlfriends number in his pants pocket, or he got angry one night and shoved her. You might think that they never saw it coming…that they had the same faith in their own husband. But I think you are wrong. I think she never truly had that kind of faith at all. There are always little hints, little signs of person’s true intentions. And if you love a man, you know. A woman’s intuition doesn’t lie. Trust your instincts, and it will save you a lot of heartache. If he does it once, he will do it twice…and then a third time. Don’t be a victim. My husband is faithful in everything he is and everything he does and I believe with everything I am that I can always depend on that. I wouldn’t expect anything less, and I wouldn’t accept anything less.
3.) Is he a good father? The best. First of all, he is here. He is a good husband who respects his wife and is at home with his children. So many fathers today are not. As much as we love each other…the children are first. He works for them. He wants them to have a nice home, a good school district, a place to grow up free and happy. He wants a good education for them, he wants them to have more choices than we did. He wants them to feel loved and safe. He wants everything that I want for them and he’s doing the work to make it happen. Like he always says, “There are two kinds of people in this world, Do-ers, and Don’t Do-ers.” To say the least, he is a Do-er. People are right to say that actions are stronger than words, which is why I forgive him for not having many.
I am a 24 year old woman and I am so thankful for all that I have been able to accomplish with him so far. I met Charles when I was 17, when I wasn’t mature, when I didn’t know what I wanted or who I was. I can’t believe how lucky I am that he turned out to be a great life mate, a great husband, a great father. I’m thankful that we are able to laugh together. I am thankful that we are able to argue and then forgive. He is the only man I have ever been able to depend on, and the only person who I’m comfortable enough with to be my 100%, uncensored, imperfect, messy, emotional self. I will always be his.
1.) Does he love me? Oh yes…oh yes he does. I’ve never once believed that there was even a possibility that he didn’t or that he is less in love with me today than he was when we first met. Men are less emotional than woman. They are usually more practical and straightforward. It’s a hard lesson for woman to learn, but even if he doesn’t say it or show it at times…it doesn’t mean it isn’t so. They need a little push. They need to learn to communicate in a more open way, much in the way we women need to learn to stop being so overly dramatic about life. If you are around each other long enough, you will rub off on each other and things eventually even out. We teach them…and they teach us. But I think it’s mostly the first.
2.) Would he ever be unfaithful, or hurt me in any way? Not in a million years. Not in bajillion, or zillion years. I have such a faith in my husband in this way. You might think that other women have felt this way… and then BOOM! They find an old girlfriends number in his pants pocket, or he got angry one night and shoved her. You might think that they never saw it coming…that they had the same faith in their own husband. But I think you are wrong. I think she never truly had that kind of faith at all. There are always little hints, little signs of person’s true intentions. And if you love a man, you know. A woman’s intuition doesn’t lie. Trust your instincts, and it will save you a lot of heartache. If he does it once, he will do it twice…and then a third time. Don’t be a victim. My husband is faithful in everything he is and everything he does and I believe with everything I am that I can always depend on that. I wouldn’t expect anything less, and I wouldn’t accept anything less.
3.) Is he a good father? The best. First of all, he is here. He is a good husband who respects his wife and is at home with his children. So many fathers today are not. As much as we love each other…the children are first. He works for them. He wants them to have a nice home, a good school district, a place to grow up free and happy. He wants a good education for them, he wants them to have more choices than we did. He wants them to feel loved and safe. He wants everything that I want for them and he’s doing the work to make it happen. Like he always says, “There are two kinds of people in this world, Do-ers, and Don’t Do-ers.” To say the least, he is a Do-er. People are right to say that actions are stronger than words, which is why I forgive him for not having many.
I am a 24 year old woman and I am so thankful for all that I have been able to accomplish with him so far. I met Charles when I was 17, when I wasn’t mature, when I didn’t know what I wanted or who I was. I can’t believe how lucky I am that he turned out to be a great life mate, a great husband, a great father. I’m thankful that we are able to laugh together. I am thankful that we are able to argue and then forgive. He is the only man I have ever been able to depend on, and the only person who I’m comfortable enough with to be my 100%, uncensored, imperfect, messy, emotional self. I will always be his.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Update on Me
I haven’t blogged in awhile. I don’t know if it’s been a case of writer’s block or writer’s laziness, but here is what has been up with me:
Walking with Aryn:
Aryn and I have continued to go on our weekly walks. We switch every week. One week she comes to my house, the next I go to hers. This week was killer. I’m pretty sure we fast walked about 4 ½ very hilly miles. I feel it all over today. She has been doing well for a few weeks now. I’m starting to take it more seriously and have maybe lost 2lbs. It’s nice to have a partner to check up on me. I even felt a little guilty when she told me about her progress. So now I’m trying to stay on track!
Briana and Hudson:
Every now and again I get a reminder that my little kiddos will not be little kiddos forever. This weekend we changed their car seats and their beds! Hudson is now old enough to sit in the big kid car seat like Briana, and she is now old enough to only have the booster seat. On top of that we moved Briana’s toddler bed into Hudson’s room and are going to turn Hudson crib into a twin sized bed (it converts) for Briana. In one day, my kids outgrew their seats and their beds. This is a terrible thing. To get over it, I have to remind myself of the following: Hudson still loves to hug and squish my face against his; Briana still lets me hold her hand and tuck her in at night; Hudson still cries, “Mommy,” and runs to me (arms wide open) when he is sad; and Briana still wants to cuddle when she is sick. I think these things will still be true for awhile to come. The hardest thing about being a mother is to knowing everyday your children will depend on you a little less, until one day…you have to depend on them.
Painting:
My house is starting to look like a home. If you didn’t know, nothing was painted when we bought it. It looked the way an apartment looks with off white, bare walls. But throughout the months we have been making progress: a bathroom here, a closet there. This past four day weekend we (by we I mean Charles) made a huge leap as far as painting goes. We finished the kitchen and the living room. Though I have to give him most of the credit for labor, I always pick out the color. And if I may say so myself, I have done a fabulous job thus far. Now we only have to choose the perfect color for our bedroom and master bath, finish the hallway, and finish some closets. I will update with pictures soon.
School and Work:
Since I haven’t been blogging…I have been thinking, thinking, and thinking some more. Recently my husband made me aware that if I wanted to go back to school so badly…then I should just do it. He said it would be difficult but that we would work together to make it happen. We would have to sell our home and cut back some debt, but it was a real possibility. I was simply giddy that he was open to this. But now that he was open to it, I had to decide if I myself truly wanted to do it. I researched universities, degree programs, admission requirements, and career choices. I figured out all the steps of making a decision like this happen. I pondered current expenses that I could eliminate. I opened myself up to the possibility of failure. I reminded myself of school stressors and asked myself if I could handle it all again…and for much longer this time around. I asked myself if I wanted to give up my current career path, my home, my income. I told myself that I could do it. I told myself that I was capable and that the reward would be great. And finally…I made a decision: No. I will not go back to school.
I made this decision because I think overall…I’m just starting to get antsy again. I’m looking for change. I’m looking for a quick fix. I don’t want to be that person all of the time. I picked my degree for a reason. Maybe someday I’ll find a career those better suits me or maybe I will love the underwriting program that I still plan on trying in the summer. Even better….maybe I’ll win the lottery. Above everything, I am a mother. I am a wife, and I’m a homeowner. My job is something that I do, and it doesn’t define me as a person. It’s what I do to so that my kids have all the stuff that kids need. It’s one of very few complaints in my life… and to me, that’s pretty awesome. So here I remain…feeling a little better to know that I have choices.
Walking with Aryn:
Aryn and I have continued to go on our weekly walks. We switch every week. One week she comes to my house, the next I go to hers. This week was killer. I’m pretty sure we fast walked about 4 ½ very hilly miles. I feel it all over today. She has been doing well for a few weeks now. I’m starting to take it more seriously and have maybe lost 2lbs. It’s nice to have a partner to check up on me. I even felt a little guilty when she told me about her progress. So now I’m trying to stay on track!
Briana and Hudson:
Every now and again I get a reminder that my little kiddos will not be little kiddos forever. This weekend we changed their car seats and their beds! Hudson is now old enough to sit in the big kid car seat like Briana, and she is now old enough to only have the booster seat. On top of that we moved Briana’s toddler bed into Hudson’s room and are going to turn Hudson crib into a twin sized bed (it converts) for Briana. In one day, my kids outgrew their seats and their beds. This is a terrible thing. To get over it, I have to remind myself of the following: Hudson still loves to hug and squish my face against his; Briana still lets me hold her hand and tuck her in at night; Hudson still cries, “Mommy,” and runs to me (arms wide open) when he is sad; and Briana still wants to cuddle when she is sick. I think these things will still be true for awhile to come. The hardest thing about being a mother is to knowing everyday your children will depend on you a little less, until one day…you have to depend on them.
Painting:
My house is starting to look like a home. If you didn’t know, nothing was painted when we bought it. It looked the way an apartment looks with off white, bare walls. But throughout the months we have been making progress: a bathroom here, a closet there. This past four day weekend we (by we I mean Charles) made a huge leap as far as painting goes. We finished the kitchen and the living room. Though I have to give him most of the credit for labor, I always pick out the color. And if I may say so myself, I have done a fabulous job thus far. Now we only have to choose the perfect color for our bedroom and master bath, finish the hallway, and finish some closets. I will update with pictures soon.
School and Work:
Since I haven’t been blogging…I have been thinking, thinking, and thinking some more. Recently my husband made me aware that if I wanted to go back to school so badly…then I should just do it. He said it would be difficult but that we would work together to make it happen. We would have to sell our home and cut back some debt, but it was a real possibility. I was simply giddy that he was open to this. But now that he was open to it, I had to decide if I myself truly wanted to do it. I researched universities, degree programs, admission requirements, and career choices. I figured out all the steps of making a decision like this happen. I pondered current expenses that I could eliminate. I opened myself up to the possibility of failure. I reminded myself of school stressors and asked myself if I could handle it all again…and for much longer this time around. I asked myself if I wanted to give up my current career path, my home, my income. I told myself that I could do it. I told myself that I was capable and that the reward would be great. And finally…I made a decision: No. I will not go back to school.
I made this decision because I think overall…I’m just starting to get antsy again. I’m looking for change. I’m looking for a quick fix. I don’t want to be that person all of the time. I picked my degree for a reason. Maybe someday I’ll find a career those better suits me or maybe I will love the underwriting program that I still plan on trying in the summer. Even better….maybe I’ll win the lottery. Above everything, I am a mother. I am a wife, and I’m a homeowner. My job is something that I do, and it doesn’t define me as a person. It’s what I do to so that my kids have all the stuff that kids need. It’s one of very few complaints in my life… and to me, that’s pretty awesome. So here I remain…feeling a little better to know that I have choices.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Friendly Anarchist
So, I have a new favorite blog: http:
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Be Kind and Feel Blessed
It’s easy to get flustered, angry, hurt, embarrassed or moody. It’s easy to blame someone for your problems. It’s easy to complain about your day, your situation, your life. It’s easy to judge other people, to point out their flaws. For example: today, I’m a little short on cash, I want a chocolate candy bar really bad but I’m on a diet, my car stinks because my dog got scared and peed in it, and I’m pretty fed up with some people at work (Doesn’t anyone know how to say thank you?). There, that was easy. I could probably think of 10 more reasons to frown or even cry; some small, and some serious. But for all the things that are wrong there is something else you should be thankful for. In life, there will always be people whose situations are better than yours and those whose situations are worse.
It’s more difficult to be happy, to smile, to laugh and to stop negative energy from affecting your overall mood. It’s more difficult to stop and think of someone else instead of your self. It’s more difficult to be kind to people who are not kind back. It’s more difficult to have faith in your future and to live for it through today. It’s more difficult to forgive…especially when it’s not asked for. But I think we should strive to be like this. For example: I have two beautiful healthy children, I have a safe home to live in, I can pay my bills this month, and I complimented my coworker the other day.
Though I am biblically challenged …I really love the verse from Matthew (7:3-5 I think)…almost as much as I love the golden rule:
“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?”
Religious or not this is great advice in life. For every flaw…huge or tiny…that you point out in another, there is one in you. Bottom line: you don’t know their story and don’t have the authority to point fingers. They may do things you don’t understand but it’s not your job to understand. This doesn’t mean their actions are right, or that they have good excuses for what they do. It only means that it isn’t our job in life to fix other people. We can change ourselves but we can only help others.
As far as blessings go…stop and think a minute about all the ways you are blessed. Remember your faults. Accept those faults or do something to change them. Do something that is positive in life...not just for your life but in the lives of others. Remember why you should be thankful, why today is a good day, and who loves you. Then go remind all those people that you love them back. Take a breath and be where you are. It's one day at at time. Everyday we are reborn. Everyday is an opportunity to change your life.-This is just something I tried to remind myself of today.
Off Subject P.S. I think all religious texts have important and beautiful lessons to teach and should be read even if you don’t particularly agree with common beliefs…and actually…especially if you don’t agree. If you’ve had trouble exploring your spirituality the way I have, or you’re devoted to what you believe in…I think exploration is always important. Life is about learning.
It’s more difficult to be happy, to smile, to laugh and to stop negative energy from affecting your overall mood. It’s more difficult to stop and think of someone else instead of your self. It’s more difficult to be kind to people who are not kind back. It’s more difficult to have faith in your future and to live for it through today. It’s more difficult to forgive…especially when it’s not asked for. But I think we should strive to be like this. For example: I have two beautiful healthy children, I have a safe home to live in, I can pay my bills this month, and I complimented my coworker the other day.
Though I am biblically challenged …I really love the verse from Matthew (7:3-5 I think)…almost as much as I love the golden rule:
“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?”
Religious or not this is great advice in life. For every flaw…huge or tiny…that you point out in another, there is one in you. Bottom line: you don’t know their story and don’t have the authority to point fingers. They may do things you don’t understand but it’s not your job to understand. This doesn’t mean their actions are right, or that they have good excuses for what they do. It only means that it isn’t our job in life to fix other people. We can change ourselves but we can only help others.
As far as blessings go…stop and think a minute about all the ways you are blessed. Remember your faults. Accept those faults or do something to change them. Do something that is positive in life...not just for your life but in the lives of others. Remember why you should be thankful, why today is a good day, and who loves you. Then go remind all those people that you love them back. Take a breath and be where you are. It's one day at at time. Everyday we are reborn. Everyday is an opportunity to change your life.-This is just something I tried to remind myself of today.
Off Subject P.S. I think all religious texts have important and beautiful lessons to teach and should be read even if you don’t particularly agree with common beliefs…and actually…especially if you don’t agree. If you’ve had trouble exploring your spirituality the way I have, or you’re devoted to what you believe in…I think exploration is always important. Life is about learning.
Friday, August 19, 2011
My Hero
Currently, my friend Alisha, is my hero. I hope she doesn’t mind me putting her in the spotlight here…but she is awesome. I’m a bad friend because I can’t remember the exact number…but she has lost anywhere from 60-80 lbs. Can you imagine!? Every time I see her I just remind her that she is like this shrinking woman. She’s smaller every time we hang out. She really inspires me to just stay motivated. If I want it, I can have it…I just have to do it.
She’s told me that her secret is just smaller portions, healthier food, and exercise (Zumba to be precise). Sounds easy right? I don’t know how many times now I’ve seen her turn down foods like cake and buttered popcorn. And she’s always carrying around some kind of snack or drink with her like water and grapes.
So yesterday, with this new job possibility in mind and inspiration from Alisha, I got back on the treadmill and ran/walked a mile. Then I did a few other more specific exercises. Yeah, I’ve been slacking. But exercising felt good…really good. Today I’m eating lunch with an awesome friend (Aryn!) at Sweet Tomato…so I’m not worried about temptation because they have the most awesome salad bar ever!
I’m not going to think about the whole dieting thing too hard because I always sabotage myself. I’m just going to take it day by day and think about all the wonderful feelings I will feel should I reach my goal and be a better me by next summer. Wish me motivation!
She’s told me that her secret is just smaller portions, healthier food, and exercise (Zumba to be precise). Sounds easy right? I don’t know how many times now I’ve seen her turn down foods like cake and buttered popcorn. And she’s always carrying around some kind of snack or drink with her like water and grapes.
So yesterday, with this new job possibility in mind and inspiration from Alisha, I got back on the treadmill and ran/walked a mile. Then I did a few other more specific exercises. Yeah, I’ve been slacking. But exercising felt good…really good. Today I’m eating lunch with an awesome friend (Aryn!) at Sweet Tomato…so I’m not worried about temptation because they have the most awesome salad bar ever!
I’m not going to think about the whole dieting thing too hard because I always sabotage myself. I’m just going to take it day by day and think about all the wonderful feelings I will feel should I reach my goal and be a better me by next summer. Wish me motivation!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Jake Jake
My Puppy isn't such a puppy anymore. He's getting big and heavy. Potty training is going okay but he still has accidents for no reason just after we have taken him outside. He doesn't pee in the crate anymore so I know he can hold it but sometimes I guess he just doesn't want to. Mostly I'm concerned about his want to bite everything. Not a mean bite...just a playful I want to chew on everything in my path including your hands kind of bite. I know he's a puppy but does it ever stop? Will he eventually just let me pet him and love him without trying to gnaw on one of my fingers? Tell me there is hope. I try to teach him not to bite me or the kids but it doesn't seem to be working. Should I try a muzzle?
He's still pretty cute though right? haha.
Holy Tomato
Remember my tomato post from awhile back? I said that I would be happy if only one tomato grew out of my two plants. I wish I hadn’t said that, because that’s exactly what happened. They looked so healthy and all the flowers budded but only one tomato came from the whole bunch.
Next year will be better. I’m going to plant a whole garden in the back yard so my plants will have better soil and more room. I ate my little tomato and it tasted awesome.
Next year will be better. I’m going to plant a whole garden in the back yard so my plants will have better soil and more room. I ate my little tomato and it tasted awesome.
Monday, August 15, 2011
WARNING-Boring Work Post Here
It’s a good Monday. Take that first sentence in. I don’t say it often enough. I had my very first mid-year review at my new company today and found the guts to say to my manager that I would like to take a new position as an underwriter-trainee starting next summer (should it be offered next year and should they accept me). The training program lasts for one full year and then you’re transferred into an underwriter position. I’m so glad they take that much time to really teach you about your new position. I’m a great student and the idea of getting to do a type of “school” over again is exciting to me. Yeah I’m a nerd.
Anyway…he said that it would be okay for me to do that. He didn’t say that I need to stay in my position any longer or that I needed to learn more where I am now before I moved in a new direction. No. He just said that it was fine with him and that I should move in any direction I feel is best.
Let me just say…phew. Glad that is over! It’s hard for me say anything that might even possibly cause conflict. But I’ve been thinking about it long enough and if I’m going to stay here and I don’t want my current job to be my forever job then I have to make a change as soon as they will let me. So I did. Yay me! Everything else was okie dokie too. I have a great boss…who I’m afraid of losing actually…and he only had great things to say about me. There was no… “So what do YOU think your weaknesses are?” kind of talk.
So I think the next 9-10 months of my life will be about learning and transformation. If I’m going to do something and I’ve got this much time to prepare for it then I’m going to do it right. I’m currently job shadowing and taking online classes related to underwriting. This kind of position will help me to see a different side of insurance and be more in contact with our customers. I look forward to coming out of my shell a little and getting to know some different people. Also, insurance underwriting is more about the marking side of things and I look forward to being more creative. I’ll get to work with new customers when they want us as their carrier and not when they have experienced a loss the way I do now.
Okay okay… enough boring work talk. So tell me. Is it summer 2012 yet?
Anyway…he said that it would be okay for me to do that. He didn’t say that I need to stay in my position any longer or that I needed to learn more where I am now before I moved in a new direction. No. He just said that it was fine with him and that I should move in any direction I feel is best.
Let me just say…phew. Glad that is over! It’s hard for me say anything that might even possibly cause conflict. But I’ve been thinking about it long enough and if I’m going to stay here and I don’t want my current job to be my forever job then I have to make a change as soon as they will let me. So I did. Yay me! Everything else was okie dokie too. I have a great boss…who I’m afraid of losing actually…and he only had great things to say about me. There was no… “So what do YOU think your weaknesses are?” kind of talk.
So I think the next 9-10 months of my life will be about learning and transformation. If I’m going to do something and I’ve got this much time to prepare for it then I’m going to do it right. I’m currently job shadowing and taking online classes related to underwriting. This kind of position will help me to see a different side of insurance and be more in contact with our customers. I look forward to coming out of my shell a little and getting to know some different people. Also, insurance underwriting is more about the marking side of things and I look forward to being more creative. I’ll get to work with new customers when they want us as their carrier and not when they have experienced a loss the way I do now.
Okay okay… enough boring work talk. So tell me. Is it summer 2012 yet?
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I Love Space
Feeling like your problems are huge today? Well here is something to think about:
"ANTARES IS THE 15 TH BRIGHTEST STAR IN THE SKY.
IT IS MORE THAN 1000 LIGHT YEARS AWAY.
IT IS MORE THAN 1000 LIGHT YEARS AWAY.
NOW, HOW BIG ARE YOU?
AND HOW BIG ARE THE THINGS THAT UPSET YOU TODAY?
KEEP LIFE IN PERSPECTIVE.
TAKE THINGS ONE THING AT A TIME.
DON’T FORGET TO BREATHE.
AND DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF!"
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
GLEE!
I would just like to say that I LOVE Glee. When I first heard about this “musical” of a show…I thought it was pish-posh. A bunch of teenagers dancing around and singing on TV…what kind of geek wants to watch that? But we are not geeks! We are Gleeks!
Glee isn’t a nerdy show. It’s a fun and entertaining drama and it carries on in much the way a soap-opera does. At first it’s hard to get over the fact that they are teenagers but the story lines are mature, inspiring, funny, and very relatable. I can not count the times I’ve cried. After you get to know the characters, and appreciate them individually…it’s just easy to love…much like any thing else in life we refuse to try.
Tonight I’m going to the premier of the Glee 3D Concert Movie with two other fellow Gleeks. I paid way too much money for my ticket and it’s on a school night…um I mean work night…but I don’t care! I’m going to be irresponsible and stay out late. What do you say about that?
So to those of you who think you wouldn’t like Glee…I think you should try recording the third season on your DVR when it comes out. If you’re kind of like me…in any way…you won’t be disappointed. I will post pics of our Glee adventure soon!
Glee isn’t a nerdy show. It’s a fun and entertaining drama and it carries on in much the way a soap-opera does. At first it’s hard to get over the fact that they are teenagers but the story lines are mature, inspiring, funny, and very relatable. I can not count the times I’ve cried. After you get to know the characters, and appreciate them individually…it’s just easy to love…much like any thing else in life we refuse to try.
Tonight I’m going to the premier of the Glee 3D Concert Movie with two other fellow Gleeks. I paid way too much money for my ticket and it’s on a school night…um I mean work night…but I don’t care! I’m going to be irresponsible and stay out late. What do you say about that?
So to those of you who think you wouldn’t like Glee…I think you should try recording the third season on your DVR when it comes out. If you’re kind of like me…in any way…you won’t be disappointed. I will post pics of our Glee adventure soon!
Monday, August 8, 2011
A New Adventure
A lot has changed in the Rainsbarger household. There are no longer 4 of us…there are six. My sister Katie and her girlfriend Jamie have moved in.
This happened after much thought, consideration, and convincing, on my part, of Charles. I love my sister and her girlfriend is really sweet. They’ve had some struggles in life and I’m trying to give them a safe place to sort it all out while they find a way to stand on their own four feet. It is a little hard to get used to other people being around the house, but I feel mostly comfortable. I think I really have to do this in order to feel like I have contributed to their situation. I am trying to help them and I think I’m giving them a very big opportunity to do things right this time around. I’m proud of them for getting up to try again every time they fall down.
I know how hard it can be when you’re trying to start life on your own, with no help. When Charles and I started dating I was still in high school and he worked at Burger King and the KC Airport. He got laid off and had to file bankruptcy. We spent a long time searching for change in the couch, so that we could buy cheeseburgers on the dollar menu at McDonalds. He was on unemployment for 9 months while I went to school and worked odd jobs. Then he landed a great job at the railroad…but got laid off again right after I found out I was pregnant with Briana. We spent one very long year in his parent’s basement. That was the longest year of my life. But I worked hard at taking care of my baby belly, driving to KS to go to college, and working at SST…while he spent long hours working on the train tracks. And the rest is history. Today we are still paying for financial mistakes but are blessed to have jobs that are mostly secure.
So far things are well with the girls. They both found a job at the same place in Platte City, they help around the house, and they play with the kids. It’s nice that Briana and Hudson can have their Aunt Katie around for awhile. I hope that everything works out the way it is planned-or better. I hope we all learn something through this process, and mostly I hope to get closer to my sister. I don’t know how she feels about the whole situation, but I’m glad to have them and I’m rooting for them all the way.
This happened after much thought, consideration, and convincing, on my part, of Charles. I love my sister and her girlfriend is really sweet. They’ve had some struggles in life and I’m trying to give them a safe place to sort it all out while they find a way to stand on their own four feet. It is a little hard to get used to other people being around the house, but I feel mostly comfortable. I think I really have to do this in order to feel like I have contributed to their situation. I am trying to help them and I think I’m giving them a very big opportunity to do things right this time around. I’m proud of them for getting up to try again every time they fall down.
I know how hard it can be when you’re trying to start life on your own, with no help. When Charles and I started dating I was still in high school and he worked at Burger King and the KC Airport. He got laid off and had to file bankruptcy. We spent a long time searching for change in the couch, so that we could buy cheeseburgers on the dollar menu at McDonalds. He was on unemployment for 9 months while I went to school and worked odd jobs. Then he landed a great job at the railroad…but got laid off again right after I found out I was pregnant with Briana. We spent one very long year in his parent’s basement. That was the longest year of my life. But I worked hard at taking care of my baby belly, driving to KS to go to college, and working at SST…while he spent long hours working on the train tracks. And the rest is history. Today we are still paying for financial mistakes but are blessed to have jobs that are mostly secure.
So far things are well with the girls. They both found a job at the same place in Platte City, they help around the house, and they play with the kids. It’s nice that Briana and Hudson can have their Aunt Katie around for awhile. I hope that everything works out the way it is planned-or better. I hope we all learn something through this process, and mostly I hope to get closer to my sister. I don’t know how she feels about the whole situation, but I’m glad to have them and I’m rooting for them all the way.
Unexpected Family Fun Weekend
My weekend was full of unexpected fun. Sunday was Charles’s birthday. At the last minute on Friday, I bought some cheap seats at the Royals game. Normally I would be worried about the heat, but thankfully we spent about 2/3 of the game in the shade. I really enjoy night games and we brought Briana with us to see the fireworks. It was buck night and everything just turned out really well. Of course it would have been even sweeter if they had won :P.
On Saturday my niece Ashley spent the night and had fun with Briana. We put up the kiddy pool (Hudson loves it!), went to the park, and visited DQ for some small butterscotch dipped cones.
On Sunday we randomly decided to go to the Aquatic Park in St.Joe. This is a surprise since Charles would normally be uncomfortable swimming in a public area, but somehow he just thought it would be a good idea. We were there for about two hours before it got stormed out-which was okay with us because we were ready to go any minute anyway. And, since they kicked us out…we get to go back free next Sunday…last swim day of the season.
It just goes to show that you can’t plan fun. It happens. Although… I am planning to have fun on Wednesday with my two best Gleeks Mike and Alisha at the new 3D GLEE CONCERT MOVIE PREMIER. Yeah. I heart Glee. Really…you should watch it.
By the way...it must look like I love Briana more than Hudson...because I never have pictures. But I tell you, it is hard to shoot a moving target.
On Saturday my niece Ashley spent the night and had fun with Briana. We put up the kiddy pool (Hudson loves it!), went to the park, and visited DQ for some small butterscotch dipped cones.
On Sunday we randomly decided to go to the Aquatic Park in St.Joe. This is a surprise since Charles would normally be uncomfortable swimming in a public area, but somehow he just thought it would be a good idea. We were there for about two hours before it got stormed out-which was okay with us because we were ready to go any minute anyway. And, since they kicked us out…we get to go back free next Sunday…last swim day of the season.
It just goes to show that you can’t plan fun. It happens. Although… I am planning to have fun on Wednesday with my two best Gleeks Mike and Alisha at the new 3D GLEE CONCERT MOVIE PREMIER. Yeah. I heart Glee. Really…you should watch it.
By the way...it must look like I love Briana more than Hudson...because I never have pictures. But I tell you, it is hard to shoot a moving target.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Pray for Somalia
Yesterday I saw yet another story about the famine going on in Somalia. A mother and father who have five sick children tried to make their way to a city where they thought they could find food and medicine. On the way, four of those children died in a 24 hour period of each other. All that is left, is one hungry little girl and her parents who are left to find some way to try and feed her. I read that to date, 29,000 children under the age of 5 have died as a result of famine. I realize these kinds of stories aren’t new but it was just another reminder at how small my problems are and how very unfair life really is. The pictures of starving babies, parents, and livestock, were horrendous and heart breaking.
I also realize that birth control is a huge issue all over the world. I always hear,“They should just stop having babies.” But to those of you who repeat that after hearing a story like this…I say to you that it doesn’t change the fact that the babies were born and that they are hungry right now. We can do all we can to help the problems of the future but there are children who are hungry now and who won’t be here tomorrow because of it. I used to get angry at those TV commercials that asked for my money and made me feel guilty by showing pictures of those children. But no matter who is asking for the money and for what reason...those are real pictures of real children who are really starving. And though I wouldn't advise you to send your money to just any old commercial add, you should just take a minute to soak in that imagery...to tell yourself that it's real. They are waiting for someone to help them and no one comes. Imagine if that were you. There is no excuse for this. As hard as I try to be positive, these stories remind me that the world is corrupt and that little to nothing will change. All I can do is find a way to contribute in my own way, pray, and thank God for the good people of the world who are trying.
I apologize for being so heavy and I'm aware that I can't let these kinds of things overly affect me or I will just be contributing to the misery of the world, but... I think there are some of us who don't think about these stories enough to apriciate the enormity of it...the urgency of it.
I leave you with a lyric from Adele. "Count your blessings to find what you look for."
I also realize that birth control is a huge issue all over the world. I always hear,“They should just stop having babies.” But to those of you who repeat that after hearing a story like this…I say to you that it doesn’t change the fact that the babies were born and that they are hungry right now. We can do all we can to help the problems of the future but there are children who are hungry now and who won’t be here tomorrow because of it. I used to get angry at those TV commercials that asked for my money and made me feel guilty by showing pictures of those children. But no matter who is asking for the money and for what reason...those are real pictures of real children who are really starving. And though I wouldn't advise you to send your money to just any old commercial add, you should just take a minute to soak in that imagery...to tell yourself that it's real. They are waiting for someone to help them and no one comes. Imagine if that were you. There is no excuse for this. As hard as I try to be positive, these stories remind me that the world is corrupt and that little to nothing will change. All I can do is find a way to contribute in my own way, pray, and thank God for the good people of the world who are trying.
I apologize for being so heavy and I'm aware that I can't let these kinds of things overly affect me or I will just be contributing to the misery of the world, but... I think there are some of us who don't think about these stories enough to apriciate the enormity of it...the urgency of it.
I leave you with a lyric from Adele. "Count your blessings to find what you look for."
Cough Cough Cough
Just so you know that I’m not ignoring my blog, I will write a short one to keep you updated. I am sick sick sick. Not really ill…but something has been wrong with my throat going on 3 weeks now. On top of that work is just nuts right now. I have tried cough drops, syrup, and throat spray. I keep them with me at all times incase I have another coughing fit. I have never had something like this for this long. What is the matter with me? It’s really stressful when you sound like a frog and have to communicate with people over the phone, or that any old thing can bring on a fit. When I get hot…I cough. When I get stressed out…I cough. When someone surprises me at my desk…I cough.
Do you know what it’s like to cough and not be able to stop? I must be driving my coworkers crazy. And they must think I’m spreading germs like crazy. But what can you do besides cover your mouth and wash your hands? I admit that I tried to ignore it for a long time. I didn’t want to go to the doctor if I didn’t have to. But I finally went and they gave me more syrup to help me sleep at night, and some kind of antihistamine. I think that the cough is maybe slowly getting better but I still woke up last night coughing like crazy. I hope it goes away soon.
Do you know what it’s like to cough and not be able to stop? I must be driving my coworkers crazy. And they must think I’m spreading germs like crazy. But what can you do besides cover your mouth and wash your hands? I admit that I tried to ignore it for a long time. I didn’t want to go to the doctor if I didn’t have to. But I finally went and they gave me more syrup to help me sleep at night, and some kind of antihistamine. I think that the cough is maybe slowly getting better but I still woke up last night coughing like crazy. I hope it goes away soon.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Cough Cough
I'm sick and don't feel like posting. Here is a pic of our new buddy Jake :)
So far training is going OK.
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