Thankful for Aches and Pains

Right now I feel like I am in a place of subtle but constant pain.

That baby fever I had a couple years ago got me into trouble. I'm 9 weeks pregnant. Can you imagine? A third child? Briana and Hudson are thrilled. I think they will be a big help. But up until today, I have felt mildly and constantly sick. Part of the reason I decided to have another is because I remember how pleasant my pregnancies were. I rarely had nausea. But this time around is different. So far I've been very tired, short of breath and annoyingly, mildly but constantly ill. For some reason, it has eased up today and I'm hoping it's a sign that I'm done with all that. I want to enjoy it since it's definitely my last time. I'm wondering if there's more than one baby in there...

That's not the only reason for my aches and pain. I'm still in grad school. Nearly a year in and a year left to go. I'm writing or thinking about writing papers constantly. I'm reading or at least reading enough to bs my way through class. I wanted to go back to school because I wanted to stay sharp and enjoy the learning process...but now I just think I'm crazy. How in the world did I think I could work, raise 2 kids, be pregnant and go to grad school? Do I think I'm some kind of Super Woman?

And mom is sick. She won't really admit how sick she is. When you talk about it- she changes the subject, but her lungs are tired. She finally started being on oxygen and I hope that really helps. But she's had a terrible time smoking. It's really taken not being able to walk 10 ft before she even could realize she probably had to stop. No way am I going to get to have her around as long as grandma. She's done too much damage to her body. Every day I wonder if something has happened to her and I just won't find out soon enough because she lives alone and can't work her phone properly. She finally has cleaning help and a nurse so I'm grateful for that.

Everyday steps just feel hard. Am I being an affectionate mom? A caring wife? Am I going to make it through school? Am I being a good enough teacher? A helpful friend? An attentive daughter?

And with the new baby, I'm wondering how we're financially going to get through. We need a bigger house. We need to stop eating out so much. We need to pay off our debt. Am I ever going to get a full-time teaching job to help out?!!

But I am thankful. This feels like the hardest time in my life and I am thankful. I'm thankful that Thanksgiving is Thursday and I get to see my family and cook for them. I'm thankful we get to expect another child and how excited my children are. I'm thankful I have a teaching job where I get to help kids and learn how to be a better person. I'm thankful my husband loves me so much and works hard for us every day. I'm thankful I have a good relationship with my mom and for the kindness she's always showed me. I'm thankful I get to be here and have all these feelings and have all my family and friends. I'm thankful I get to fight with my daughter and patch up my son's bloody knees.

Because like that really annoying country song says, I'm gonna miss this. I'm gonna want this back.

So Here's an Update

Here I am! Where have I been? I don't know. I'm too tired to remember. I'm 29 now, not really trying to think about how dangerously close to 30 that is. I'm working as a Para at a middle school in my hometown district. It's the lowest paying job I've ever had. It's also the most rewarding. I completed alternate certification to teach in Missouri, but so far no luck in being hired. I'm a terrible interview. No. Seriously. I mean why am I being measured on my ability to come up with fantastic interview answers when really I just need to be able to teach content and build meaningful relationships with my students? 

Oh well. So now I'm trying to get through grad school. Hooooray for more student loans! I'm 2 classes in. I'm doing well but it's hard and scary. I guess that's good for me. It's making me think all these deep thoughts and stuff. And I have to talk. To people. A lot. 

There's some pretty cool people in my classes who've made me feel safe. So I'm trying to be brave and get over my whole awkward, quiet, mysterious way of being. Life is better out in the open. Maybe. I'll try it out anyway. 

Kids are goooood. Husband is goooood. My whole deal in life right now is just exploring my brain and living in the now. I've got to stop being sad over the past. I also need to stop trying to hurl myself into the future. I mean holy cow Ashley, slow the f*** down already! 

I want to trust in the universe and trust in my thoughts. I want to trust the path that life is taking me (I've been reading way too much Emerson). I want to enjoy the now. I want to really be with the people I love and enjoy the company of new people. I can't stop being afraid, but I can face my fears and do it anyway. I want to be creative again. Creativity is God working through us. 

Enough of that. Later!