Grandma Arlene

Grandma Arlene is my rock. When I was growing up I never knew how long I would be in one school. I never knew if my dad would come home at night from the bar. I never knew if my mom would get out of bed that day. I could tell you sad childhood stories for days. This isn't about that. I always had grandma's house and I always had grandma. She's helped my parents buy houses, pay bills, put food in the fridge, and every year we had a Christmas-it was because of her. When we didn't have a home-her home was our home. When we were young she made sure we got to go camping and as I got older she would give me rides to be with my friends. I have little to no happy memories that involve my parents but all the good ones are because of her. No one else in my family has managed to go as far outside the sad, addicted, circle of blackness, as I have. Grandma is the reason I found the strength to finish high school and graduate college. Grandma is the reason I found the strength to value myself and marry a man who didn't treat me like dirt. Grandma is the reason I found the strength to be a great mother to my own kids.  I have many issues, all probably a result of post-traumatic stress, but sometimes even I look at myself and I can't believe how far I made it. It's because of her.

Fast forward through the last 9 months-it has been revealed that she has cancer. It is lung cancer, wrapping around an important artery near her heart and around her trachea. It has spread to her liver and now could spread to the brain. She is too old, thin, and sick to even think about an aggressive treatment plan. So now, we are getting a comfort care plan in order. Now, we are preparing for her death. It's no longer really a question of whether or not she can recover. It's no longer wondering how long she gets to be with us because we know that time now is very, very short.

No one close to me has ever died. I feel like I'm pretty prepared but when I think about the world without her, I lose my sense of security. I keep wishing her life was easier. I keep hoping for a way to make it up to her. She's scared and so am I. My grandma is a Jesus-loving woman but she's not sure what or who is going to meet her on the other side. She feels guilty for not having faith. She's not ready to go and I'm not ready to let her go.

But I have faith. I know wherever she's going is better than here. I know I'll finally have an angel on my side. I know she's going to watch over us and guide us in the right direction. I know all the pain and fatigue will lift away and she'll finally feel free. 

Now I'm her rock, and she can hold on to me until she's ready to let go.