Grandma

Grandma passed away on Oct. 20th 2014. I miss her everyday. I still don't think I quite understand that she's gone. It's hardest when I look at pictures, the ones we took with the kids before she died. I feel like she's still right there. I feel like I can reach into the photo and touch her.
But I can't.

I saw her about 2 days before she went into a "sleep." She was complaining a little about the swelling in her arms, but pretty good spirited. I felt like she could still be with us a good, long while. We discussed plans with hospice. I made her laugh. I kissed her and hugged her goodbye. But when she came home she wasn't awake. The nurse said they gave her medication for her anxiety. She was very anxious about dying. I had hoped she would be more at peace with it, like you see in the movies, and read about in books - but she was scared. The nurse said she would probably wake up once the medication wore off. She didn't.

For about a week it was like she was just sleeping, and you couldn't wake her. The nurse said her body was tired, and she probably wouldn't wake up like they thought. I was devastated. I didn't know that day in the hospital was my last day. I would have said more. I came everyday. I held her hand.  I told her that I was going to make sure everything was okay. I told her it was okay to go.

That Monday, I decided I shouldn't go to work. I wanted to go see her. I still felt like she could be here for a long time. I'm so glad I didn't work that day.

I spent the morning looking through and organizing photos. I knew when she passed there were irreplaceable things that needed to get out of the house, because the house would go into probate and we didn't know what was going to happen to it. My cousin came to visit. I was standing at the bottom of her bed. My cousin was holding her hand. A nurse came in to do some daily care. She said she was showing signs of passing soon. Maybe 2 or 3 days left .I was terrified it was going to be violent. My husband described how it was with his father, and I just didn't know what to expect.

While the nurse was listening to her chest, grandma took a very deep breath, and then she stopped breathing. I held my breath. About 8 seconds later she breathed again and for a second I felt relief. But then she took another 10 seconds before she breathed again. The nurse said, "I think she is passing." I looked at her with astonishment. I wasn't ready. My mom wasn't in the room. I yelled for her, and then I ran to get her. I came back. The nurse shook her head. She was gone.

My mom took it so hard in that moment that I only allowed myself to be sad for a few minutes. Then I didn't feel anything. I had to be strong for my mother, even though grandma was my mother too.


I still feel like I felt that day, after the sadness. I didn't even really cry at the funeral. I just looked into space, and tried not to think of how weird she looked in the coffin. Tried to remember that wasn't her anymore. She wasn't here. She was somewhere better.

I ask her to visit me in my dreams. Sometimes she does. In the last dream I couldn't open my eyes wide enough to really see her face, but I felt her squeezing my hand. I knew it was her because I was able to run my finger over her long nails down to the curved tip. Hudson was sleeping next to me that afternoon for a nap, and I asked her to visit him too.

She was my guardian angel on earth, and now she is my guardian angel in heaven.