The Lion King...in 3D!

So Briana had another 1st. She watched her first 3D movie...and she kept the glasses on the entire time!
I still cried when Mufasa died. And my favorite part is still when Rifiki hits Simba on the head with his stick.

We ate skittles, drank water, and had a good ol' time. I hope Disney does this again when Hudson is old enough to go. It will always be my favorite Disney movie!

A Serious Post...I Promise a Light One After This

I struggled with whether or not to publish a post on this topic. My struggle comes from two opposing points: privacy and awareness. The topic is private and personal to me, but it’s also something you should be aware of, something millions of Americans suffer from. It’s something I was diagnosed with as a teenager and something I think I’m dealing with currently. I am talking about depression.

Depression is more than a mood disorder; it’s an everyday struggle of the mind and body. Although I make good decisions, lead a good home life, suffer from no addiction to medication, illegal drugs or alcohol (things that many depressed individuals have trouble achieving) I can’t always shake feelings of doubt, fear, failure, grief, overall sadness, and sometimes panic in my daily decision making process. These feelings of inadequacy and negativity are overwhelming. They consume me at times. It’s like a wise and confident angel on one shoulder, and a sad, grieving, very scared little angel on the other. Every time I am faced with a decision (whether it be getting out of bed in the morning or changing careers) I have to choose which angel to listen to. Even though part of me knows I should listen to the confident angel, most days it’s just too hard. The sad angel tells me I’m not good enough, strong enough, pretty enough, or smart enough. She reminds me of all the times I have failed. She talks about my past and she fears my future. I know you can relate to this because everyone has those opposing forces in life, but what I’m trying to say is that these forces are amplified with people who suffer from depression. If you’ve ever heard the term “chemical imbalance,” that’s truly what it is. It’s an utter and total imbalance of chemicals in your brain that trigger mood responses. The sad angel is somehow much larger than the confident one, and therefore she is louder and more powerful.

Depression can lead to sleep disorders, eating disorders, daily fatigue, excessive crying, lack of sex drive, problems concentrating, indecisiveness, irritability, lack of interest in normal activities, muscle pain, and worse case scenario…suicide. Someone you know may be suffering from it right now.

So please imagine my struggle. I am a mother of two, married, career going woman. Many people depend on me. Many people ask for my advice and input. My family needs me to guide them; to shed a positive light on everything we face. At the very least, I have to pretend to be strong and happy. And why shouldn’t I be happy? I’m not blind. I can see my blessings. They are the source of what little strength that manages to exist inside me.  I have everything going for me. I am the poster mother of an American family. My children are healthy and my husband treats me right. I have home, a new car, two cats and dog. What could possibly make me so damn sad all the time? I don’t know.  I don’t know. I don’t know.

I'm tired of thinking about it so hard. I’m tired of feeling ashamed and awkward.  We must take responsibility for ourselves. I read somewhere that 2/3 of Americans who suffer from depression are too embarrassed to tell their doctor. I also read somewhere that 80% of those who get the courage to talk with their doctor, get treatment, and feel significant improvement in their daily lives. It occurs more so in woman, than men (not surprising).  I want to be of the 80%.

So this is me opening up. I don’t even like to say that I’m “depressed.” The word is too dramatic…too emo. I like to say that I’m searching for internal peace, lightness.  I think I am lucky because I still have the ability to filter my sadness. I can at least recognize and confront an unreasonable thought. Depression becomes dangerous without this filter and I think the longer you suffer from it, the weaker the filter gets. Maybe you or someone you know is experiencing something similar. You’re not alone. There is help.

I'm off to see the doctor...

A Typical Morning in My Funny and Normal Life

In case you're wondering what it's like to be me in the AM...well it's not so bad. A little busy...but not so bad.  You’re probably not wondering at all, but I’m going to tell you anyway.

I wake up at 5am. I lay there until I can feel Charles hovering over me, impatiently, waiting to make the bed. I let out a deep breath and sit on the edge of the bed, then stand...slowly. It's hard to get up at 5 am. I make my way over to the dresser where I sleepily grab my things for the shower. I make my way to the bathroom with my eyes closed because the light is dreadfully bright. I shower. I put my hair in a towel. I am still not awake and proceed to unmake the bed Charles just made. I lay there while Charles showers, and think hard of a good excuse not to go to work. Sometimes I think of one, and stay home. But most other days I decide there isn't a good enough reason and get up to get ready. Charles gets out of the shower and usually says something sarcastic like, "Isn't it a beautiful morning?” I groan. Charles fixes the bed...again. I get ready. Charles wakes up Briana and gets her dressed. Sometimes Briana is a happy morning person. Sometimes Briana is like me. On the mornings she is like me, we argue about the pants I have picked out for her, and then we argue about whether or not her hair should go up.

"It's going to be in your face." I say.
"I like it in my face." She says.
"It's looks pretty up." I say.
"I want it down!" She says.
"I'll let you take your Barbie to school." I say.
"Okay." She says.

She goes down for breakfast and I finish up in the bathroom. I creep into Hudson's room. I stare at him for a minute. He still lays face flat on the bed with his butt in the air. I hate waking him up. Babies should always sleep as long as possible. I rub his back and he starts to stretch. Then he reaches for me to hold him. We walk down the stairs together. If he see's Jake (our Golden Retriever) he will point at him and say, "No bite Jake!" If he see's one of the cats he will say, "Kitty Kitty! Meow!" I laugh and put him in the highchair. I put some cereal, a waffle, or strudel on his plate. He takes a few bites, and then he plays with it or throws it on the floor. Briana, too, has issues with eating in the morning. Sometimes I spend the rest of the morning pleading with both of them to eat more.
 
At about this time I get mad at myself for not making my lunch the night before, unless it's Thursday. On Thursday I usually go out for lunch with co-workers, so I’m glad I don't have to spend time making it in the morning or being mad at myself for not making it last night. But since it's usually not Thursday I spend two or three minutes staring inside the fridge door deciding what I should make. Eventually I break down and make a sandwich, or throw a frozen meal in a Wal-Mart bag. Charles eats breakfast and kisses us goodbye. I clean up Hudson and Briana and if we have time, let them watch a few minutes of whatever is on Nickelodeon. Bad parenting? Probably. But I need a few minutes to gather my things...and no matter what people say, Dora is educational!

I put laundry in the dryer, if it's done washing. I walk Jake in the front yard while I simultaneously keep a close distance with Hudson who has followed me outside and is trying to master the porch steps. I put Jake in his cage and tell Briana it's time to put on her shoes. She cries and says she doesn't want to wear her sandals and insists on wearing flip flops. I tell her they are not good for school and demand she puts on her sandals. She tells me I'm a mean mommy.

I tell Hudson to find his shoes. I always do this last. Hudson associates shoes with, "Bye Bye" and gets very excited. He says, "Bye Bye?" and claps his little hands. If we can't leave immediately after we put the shoes on, he has a temper tantrum.

Finally, it's time to get in the car. Car Seats buckled? Check. Sippy cups? Check. Briana's nap time stuffed toy? Check. My lunch? Check. I take them to preschool and they kiss me goodbye. Briana doesn’t think I’m mean anymore, and Hudson is just happy that I’ve left him in a room full of toys. I trust the teachers will take care of them…which was hard to accept at first. And then it's time to head out into the big, scary, adult filled world. Trust me, I'd much rather be at home with them.

So on any weekday, this is pretty much the routine. It's typical for us, normal, chaotic, and stressful. I think most typical parents would agree. But mostly, it's just wonderful.  If you don't have kids, and still want to have kids after reading this, then it was meant to be. ;)

Keep Climbing

“I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.” -  Harry S Truman

I think this is the approach I’m going to take with my kids, and I think this is the approach that everyone should take with their own lives. Figure out what it is that you want to do and do it. No excuses. If it takes ten weeks, or ten years…it doesn’t matter. Sometimes we sit around and wish hard for it to be tomorrow, or we wish hard for it to be two months from now, or three years from now. Maybe you’re looking forward to getting married, having a baby, paying off debt, buying a home. Maybe you’ve experienced loss lately, and you’re searching for peace. Maybe you’re just in some kind of stupid slump. Whatever it is…we probably shouldn’t wish so hard to be in that place we’re searching for. Life is always going to be uphill. Did you hear that? It’s ALWAYS uphill. We will always have to fight for what we want and sometimes what we need. When you finally think you’ve reached your goal, there’s only going to be a new one to strive for. And how un-magical would that destination be anyway…if you could just snap your fingers to get there?

Go ahead and cry. Go ahead and stomp your feet. Whine and complain about how life sucks, how you never get your way, how the universe is out to get you. Feel sorry for yourself. Get mad at yourself. Go ahead and bitch.  I do everyday. You don’t have to feel guilty about it either. It’s okay, as long as you do it on the way to where you’re going. It’s okay as long as you come back from it and learn from it.

Okay, now that I’ve convinced myself…did I convince you? I know it’s so cliché…but we have the power. No matter your situation...now matter how hard it seems…no matter how much you don’t want to believe it…at the end of the day you have the power to be your best self. We can’t blame other people. We can’t even blame our situations. You may have a harder road or a longer road than someone you know but that’s just life. Sometimes life is hard and it’s almost always unfair. I get sad sometimes and I wish hard to wake up and be 20 lbs lighter. I wish hard to fast forward a year and start the underwriting program. I wish hard to win the lottery. On a deeper level I wish hard to find peace everyday, I wish hard to find a consistent flow of happiness, I wish hard to better the relationships between me and family or to have the strength to let some of these ties go loose. But what’s with all this wishing? I can do something this very moment to make that goal a little closer.

Don’t like your situation? Then change it. Don’t say, “It’s too hard.” You’ll never make it that way. Seriously! Ten years will go by…then twenty, and you’ll still be saying, “It’s too hard.” So that’s your choice. Stay where you are or move ahead. Accept your life or improve it. Half of life is fate. The other half is up to you and me.

Man, I’ve got to start taking my own advice…

5 Years Together

In a little over a month, Charles and I will have been married for 5 years. We have been together for over 7. In all honesty…relationships are hard. Marriage is even harder. I’d be a liar if I told you I never doubted our relationship. I’d be a liar if I told you I have never been so angry with him that I thought about leaving a time or two. But in those times of doubt, in those times of hurt and anger, I always found peace because I knew the answers to the following questions:

1.) Does he love me? Oh yes…oh yes he does. I’ve never once believed that there was even a possibility that he didn’t or that he is less in love with me today than he was when we first met. Men are less emotional than woman. They are usually more practical and straightforward. It’s a hard lesson for woman to learn, but even if he doesn’t say it or show it at times…it doesn’t mean it isn’t so. They need a little push. They need to learn to communicate in a more open way, much in the way we women need to learn to stop being so overly dramatic about life. If you are around each other long enough, you will rub off on each other and things eventually even out. We teach them…and they teach us. But I think it’s mostly the first.

2.) Would he ever be unfaithful, or hurt me in any way? Not in a million years. Not in bajillion, or zillion years. I have such a faith in my husband in this way. You might think that other women have felt this way… and then BOOM! They find an old girlfriends number in his pants pocket, or he got angry one night and shoved her. You might think that they never saw it coming…that they had the same faith in their own husband. But I think you are wrong. I think she never truly had that kind of faith at all. There are always little hints, little signs of person’s true intentions. And if you love a man, you know. A woman’s intuition doesn’t lie. Trust your instincts, and it will save you a lot of heartache. If he does it once, he will do it twice…and then a third time. Don’t be a victim. My husband is faithful in everything he is and everything he does and I believe with everything I am that I can always depend on that. I wouldn’t expect anything less, and I wouldn’t accept anything less.

3.) Is he a good father? The best. First of all, he is here. He is a good husband who respects his wife and is at home with his children. So many fathers today are not. As much as we love each other…the children are first. He works for them. He wants them to have a nice home, a good school district, a place to grow up free and happy. He wants a good education for them, he wants them to have more choices than we did. He wants them to feel loved and safe. He wants everything that I want for them and he’s doing the work to make it happen. Like he always says, “There are two kinds of people in this world, Do-ers, and Don’t Do-ers.” To say the least, he is a Do-er. People are right to say that actions are stronger than words, which is why I forgive him for not having many.

I am a 24 year old woman and I am so thankful for all that I have been able to accomplish with him so far. I met Charles when I was 17, when I wasn’t mature, when I didn’t know what I wanted or who I was. I can’t believe how lucky I am that he turned out to be a great life mate, a great husband, a great father. I’m thankful that we are able to laugh together. I am thankful that we are able to argue and then forgive. He is the only man I have ever been able to depend on, and the only person who I’m comfortable enough with to be my 100%, uncensored, imperfect, messy, emotional self.  I will always be his.

Update on Me

I haven’t blogged in awhile. I don’t know if it’s been a case of writer’s block or writer’s laziness, but here is what has been up with me:

Walking with Aryn:
Aryn and I have continued to go on our weekly walks. We switch every week. One week she comes to my house, the next I go to hers. This week was killer. I’m pretty sure we fast walked about 4 ½ very hilly miles. I feel it all over today. She has been doing well for a few weeks now. I’m starting to take it more seriously and have maybe lost 2lbs. It’s nice to have a partner to check up on me. I even felt a little guilty when she told me about her progress. So now I’m trying to stay on track!

Briana and Hudson:
Every now and again I get a reminder that my little kiddos will not be little kiddos forever. This weekend we changed their car seats and their beds! Hudson is now old enough to sit in the big kid car seat like Briana, and she is now old enough to only have the booster seat. On top of that we moved Briana’s toddler bed into Hudson’s room and are going to turn Hudson crib into a twin sized bed (it converts) for Briana. In one day, my kids outgrew their seats and their beds. This is a terrible thing. To get over it, I have to remind myself of the following: Hudson still loves to hug and squish my face against his; Briana still lets me hold her hand and tuck her in at night; Hudson still cries, “Mommy,” and runs to me (arms wide open) when he is sad; and Briana still wants to cuddle when she is sick. I think these things will still be true for awhile to come. The hardest thing about being a mother is to knowing everyday your children will depend on you a little less, until one day…you have to depend on them.

Painting:
My house is starting to look like a home. If you didn’t know, nothing was painted when we bought it. It looked the way an apartment looks with off white, bare walls. But throughout the months we have been making progress: a bathroom here, a closet there. This past four day weekend we (by we I mean Charles) made a huge leap as far as painting goes. We finished the kitchen and the living room. Though I have to give him most of the credit for labor, I always pick out the color. And if I may say so myself, I have done a fabulous job thus far. Now we only have to choose the perfect color for our bedroom and master bath, finish the hallway, and finish some closets.  I will update with pictures soon.

School and Work:
Since I haven’t been blogging…I have been thinking, thinking, and thinking some more. Recently my husband made me aware that if I wanted to go back to school so badly…then I should just do it. He said it would be difficult but that we would work together to make it happen. We would have to sell our home and cut back some debt, but it was a real possibility. I was simply giddy that he was open to this. But now that he was open to it, I had to decide if I myself truly wanted to do it. I researched universities, degree programs, admission requirements, and career choices. I figured out all the steps of making a decision like this happen. I pondered current expenses that I could eliminate. I opened myself up to the possibility of failure. I reminded myself of school stressors and asked myself if I could handle it all again…and for much longer this time around. I asked myself if I wanted to give up my current career path, my home, my income. I told myself that I could do it. I told myself that I was capable and that the reward would be great. And finally…I made a decision: No. I will not go back to school.

I made this decision because I think overall…I’m just starting to get antsy again. I’m looking for change. I’m looking for a quick fix. I don’t want to be that person all of the time. I picked my degree for a reason. Maybe someday I’ll find a career those better suits me or maybe I will love the underwriting program that I still plan on trying in the summer. Even better….maybe I’ll win the lottery. Above everything, I am a mother. I am a wife, and I’m a homeowner. My job is something that I do, and it doesn’t define me as a person. It’s what I do to so that my kids have all the stuff that kids need. It’s one of very few complaints in my life… and to me, that’s pretty awesome. So here I remain…feeling a little better to know that I have choices.

Friendly Anarchist

So, I have a new favorite blog: http://feeds.feedburner.com/FriendlyAnarchist. I find it to be quite inspiring.