Update on Me

I haven’t blogged in awhile. I don’t know if it’s been a case of writer’s block or writer’s laziness, but here is what has been up with me:

Walking with Aryn:
Aryn and I have continued to go on our weekly walks. We switch every week. One week she comes to my house, the next I go to hers. This week was killer. I’m pretty sure we fast walked about 4 ½ very hilly miles. I feel it all over today. She has been doing well for a few weeks now. I’m starting to take it more seriously and have maybe lost 2lbs. It’s nice to have a partner to check up on me. I even felt a little guilty when she told me about her progress. So now I’m trying to stay on track!

Briana and Hudson:
Every now and again I get a reminder that my little kiddos will not be little kiddos forever. This weekend we changed their car seats and their beds! Hudson is now old enough to sit in the big kid car seat like Briana, and she is now old enough to only have the booster seat. On top of that we moved Briana’s toddler bed into Hudson’s room and are going to turn Hudson crib into a twin sized bed (it converts) for Briana. In one day, my kids outgrew their seats and their beds. This is a terrible thing. To get over it, I have to remind myself of the following: Hudson still loves to hug and squish my face against his; Briana still lets me hold her hand and tuck her in at night; Hudson still cries, “Mommy,” and runs to me (arms wide open) when he is sad; and Briana still wants to cuddle when she is sick. I think these things will still be true for awhile to come. The hardest thing about being a mother is to knowing everyday your children will depend on you a little less, until one day…you have to depend on them.

Painting:
My house is starting to look like a home. If you didn’t know, nothing was painted when we bought it. It looked the way an apartment looks with off white, bare walls. But throughout the months we have been making progress: a bathroom here, a closet there. This past four day weekend we (by we I mean Charles) made a huge leap as far as painting goes. We finished the kitchen and the living room. Though I have to give him most of the credit for labor, I always pick out the color. And if I may say so myself, I have done a fabulous job thus far. Now we only have to choose the perfect color for our bedroom and master bath, finish the hallway, and finish some closets.  I will update with pictures soon.

School and Work:
Since I haven’t been blogging…I have been thinking, thinking, and thinking some more. Recently my husband made me aware that if I wanted to go back to school so badly…then I should just do it. He said it would be difficult but that we would work together to make it happen. We would have to sell our home and cut back some debt, but it was a real possibility. I was simply giddy that he was open to this. But now that he was open to it, I had to decide if I myself truly wanted to do it. I researched universities, degree programs, admission requirements, and career choices. I figured out all the steps of making a decision like this happen. I pondered current expenses that I could eliminate. I opened myself up to the possibility of failure. I reminded myself of school stressors and asked myself if I could handle it all again…and for much longer this time around. I asked myself if I wanted to give up my current career path, my home, my income. I told myself that I could do it. I told myself that I was capable and that the reward would be great. And finally…I made a decision: No. I will not go back to school.

I made this decision because I think overall…I’m just starting to get antsy again. I’m looking for change. I’m looking for a quick fix. I don’t want to be that person all of the time. I picked my degree for a reason. Maybe someday I’ll find a career those better suits me or maybe I will love the underwriting program that I still plan on trying in the summer. Even better….maybe I’ll win the lottery. Above everything, I am a mother. I am a wife, and I’m a homeowner. My job is something that I do, and it doesn’t define me as a person. It’s what I do to so that my kids have all the stuff that kids need. It’s one of very few complaints in my life… and to me, that’s pretty awesome. So here I remain…feeling a little better to know that I have choices.

Be Kind and Feel Blessed

It’s easy to get flustered, angry, hurt, embarrassed or moody. It’s easy to blame someone for your problems. It’s easy to complain about your day, your situation, your life. It’s easy to judge other people, to point out their flaws. For example: today, I’m a little short on cash, I want a chocolate candy bar really bad but I’m on a diet, my car stinks because my dog got scared and peed in it, and I’m pretty fed up with some people at work (Doesn’t anyone know how to say thank you?). There, that was easy. I could probably think of 10 more reasons to frown or even cry; some small, and some serious. But for all the things that are wrong there is something else you should be thankful for. In life, there will always be people whose situations are better than yours and those whose situations are worse.

It’s more difficult to be happy, to smile, to laugh and to stop negative energy from affecting your overall mood. It’s more difficult to stop and think of someone else instead of your self. It’s more difficult to be kind to people who are not kind back. It’s more difficult to have faith in your future and to live for it through today. It’s more difficult to forgive…especially when it’s not asked for. But I think we should strive to be like this. For example: I have two beautiful healthy children, I have a safe home to live in, I can pay my bills this month, and I complimented my coworker the other day.

Though I am biblically challenged …I really love the verse from Matthew (7:3-5 I think)…almost as much as I love the golden rule:

“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?”

Religious or not this is great advice in life. For every flaw…huge or tiny…that you point out in another, there is one in you. Bottom line: you don’t know their story and don’t have the authority to point fingers. They may do things you don’t understand but it’s not your job to understand. This doesn’t mean their actions are right, or that they have good excuses for what they do. It only means that it isn’t our job in life to fix other people. We can change ourselves but we can only help others.
 
As far as blessings go…stop and think a minute about all the ways you are blessed. Remember your faults. Accept those faults or do something to change them. Do something that is positive in life...not just for your life but in the lives of others. Remember why you should be thankful, why today is a good day, and who loves you. Then go remind all those people that you love them back. Take a breath and be where you are. It's one day at at time. Everyday we are reborn. Everyday is an opportunity to change your life.-This is just something I tried to remind myself of today.

Off Subject P.S. I think all religious texts have important and beautiful lessons to teach and should be read even if you don’t particularly agree with common beliefs…and actually…especially if you don’t agree. If you’ve had trouble exploring your spirituality the way I have, or you’re devoted to what you believe in…I think exploration is always important. Life is about learning.

Unexpected Family Fun Weekend

My weekend was full of unexpected fun. Sunday was Charles’s birthday. At the last minute on Friday, I bought some cheap seats at the Royals game. Normally I would be worried about the heat, but thankfully we spent about 2/3 of the game in the shade. I really enjoy night games and we brought Briana with us to see the fireworks. It was buck night and everything just turned out really well. Of course it would have been even sweeter if they had won :P.
On Saturday my niece Ashley spent the night and had fun with Briana. We put up the kiddy pool (Hudson loves it!), went to the park, and visited DQ for some small butterscotch dipped cones.

On Sunday we randomly decided to go to the Aquatic Park in St.Joe. This is a surprise since Charles would normally be uncomfortable swimming in a public area, but somehow he just thought it would be a good idea. We were there for about two hours before it got stormed out-which was okay with us because we were ready to go any minute anyway. And, since they kicked us out…we get to go back free next Sunday…last swim day of the season.

It just goes to show that you can’t plan fun. It happens. Although… I am planning to have fun on Wednesday with my two best Gleeks Mike and Alisha at the new 3D GLEE CONCERT MOVIE PREMIER. Yeah. I heart Glee. Really…you should watch it.

By the way...it must look like I love Briana more than Hudson...because I never have pictures. But I tell you, it is hard to shoot a moving target.

Not Guilty?

I am the first person to get annoyed at the people who have be the first ones to post the latest pop culture breaking news. I have several friends on Facebook who had their fingers waiting to be the first person to comment on the Casey Anthony verdict. Well today I was sort of one of those people. I wasn't waiting to update my status but I was waiting and wanting to know the verdict the second it was read. I have been following the Casey Anthony case since I first heard the 911 call on TV three years ago and it touched my heart because Caylee was nearly the same age as Briana.

Well our constitution has spoken, the jury has spoken, and Casey Anthony was given her fair trial. The verdict: Not guilty on all charges except false information. I am disappointed and sad for Caylee as many many are. I wish she could be here still and still have a voice. I won't say much because it's over now, but the bottom line is that Caylee was missing 31 entire days before Casey told anyone. That's the only fact I need to know to know she's guilty.

I respect our justice system and think the jury didn't have enough information and/or the state should have tried for 2nd degree instead of 1st. And now, Casey is free to walk the streets of Florida. I accept the possibility that I don't know the entire story because I didn't live it. I also accept that my opinion doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I am not perfect and someday I will be judged. I know God loves us all and the only comfort I have through death is knowing the victim isn't suffering anymore. But we are suffering through her. Caylee's grandma and grandpa are suffering. I believe there is a special place after death for people who hurt children and may the person who did this, find that special place.

I'm sad today for Caylee, and for all the other babies who will never have a voice.

My Kiddos

I would just like to take a minute to say that I have amazing kiddos. Briana Marie is going to grow up to be beautiful, smart, and creative. Hudson Lee is going to grow up strong, funny, and adventurous. And pretty soon, I'm going to be the shortest person in our family. There's nothing in this world they could ever do to make me unlove them. If you love someone conditionally, then you don't love them at all. I wish every parent could think about that.
There are times when I feel like I'm not enough or that I don't do enough. But then I look at my babies and I realize that if nothing else, I was put here to give them life and guide them through it. Terrible things happen all over the world every day but nothing affects me more then when I hear a story about a child victim. I've been following the Casey Anthony case since it began and I can't STAND Nancy Grace but truth be told-she's one of the few child advocates in the media. I can not begin to understand the mountain of emotion that comes when one loses a child or even how you could possibly recover from it. I think it's the worst thing you can go through...ever.
I do know that I'm so happy to be their mother and I thank God for them.
"One day you're gonna miss this.
You're gonna want this back.
You're gonna wish these times
hadn't gone by so fast.
These are some good times,
So take a good look around.
You may not know it now,
But you're gonna miss this."
I wish I could attach their pictures here but my work won't let me. I'll edit it later at home.

Still Learning to be a Mom

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I forgot to remember that four year olds are nearly the most unpredictable creatures on this planet.


Sunday was the day of Briana’s dance recital. I was ready. All of Charles’s family came, the DVD and pictures were ordered, the tickets were bought, the video camera was ready. She did so well at the dress rehearsal on Friday that I didn’t even think twice about how she would act once we got there. You can see where I’m going with this. Dramatic and sad story short, Briana did not go on stage.

 I am ashamed to say that I tried everything. For 20 minutes I bribed her with candy, toys, swimming, and going places I had no intention of taking her…because I knew I would reward her in some way once she was done. Then I threatened her with naps and time out and no swimming lessons. I literally had no idea what to do. I was so desperate to get her on stage, not only for my sake but for the sake of her teachers and everyone who worked so hard to put on this show. Still hoping there was a chance (but knowing it wouldn’t happen) I walked with her all the way to backstage, where moms normally aren’t allowed. I had to quiet Briana down several times because every time I asked her to go she would just squeeze me tighter and cry. The audience heard everything. Teachers delayed putting on her section of the show for three or so minutes hoping we could convince her to go or join even in the middle of the performance. Finally I just broke down and left. And by broke down, I mean me and Briana both ran to the girls bathroom, where we cried and cried.


It was actually pretty humiliating to leave the back stage that way, in front of all the other girls. Also, I’m not one of those moms that make a huge deal out of nothing.  And I’m not a mom who puts pressure on her kids to do something they don’t want to do. I felt ashamed for the way I had tried to get her on stage and I felt like I handled it all wrong...while at the same time having no idea how else to handle it. I was so excited to see her and so proud that it turned into a huge disappointment. And even though I felt angry and I wanted to be angry at her I knew it wasn’t her fault because she doesn’t understand what it means when other people are disappointed. I didn’t know how to handle the situation and I didn’t know what to say to her. I also didn’t know if it was appropriate for me to cry with her but I just couldn’t hold it in. 


Briana and I walked to the front of the building to wait for the rest of the family to meet us. Knowing that I still didn’t know the right thing to say to her I mostly just kept quiet and told her that “It’s not your fault but mommy is sad that you didn’t dance.”…to which Briana replied... “I’m sorry, mommy.” If you know me, you know I’m not a drama queen and I prefer to stay away from people who are. I can’t explain what came over me, other then a feeling of failure. But I’m not a failure; I’m just growing up along-side my kids. I’m so proud of her for dancing all year and on the bright side she did a great job at dress rehearsal. The whole thing was just an overly emotional dramatic experience that had nothing to do with my pretty little girl and everything to do with my learning experience as a mom.


The only advice I have for other young mothers is that you should EXPECT to fail sometimes…even in your most important jobs. Also, just go with the flow. I could have planned a little better and maybe it wouldn’t have happened but  I should have just said, “If you don’t want to go on stage…then you don’t have to go on stage. We’ll do better next time.”  I love my little stinker.

I Love May, I Love Briana

Sometimes I’m so busy in life that I not only forget to blog, I forget that I have things to blog about. May is a wonderful month isn’t it? Besides me turning 24…eesh…my beautiful, smart, funny, amazing little girl turned four years old last Saturday (huge sigh). I still remember bringing her home from the hospital and thinking… “What am I supposed to do with you now?”

A funny story…I intentionally planned my pregnancy so that she would be born in May because I actually really think there is something extra special about us May people. We’re emotional and cautious, we’re thinkers, and though people aren’t always drawn to us, we make lasting relationships to people who are important in our lives. I realize it is very silly me for me to draw those kinds of conclusions based only on the month someone is born. And I mean no offense to non-May people. I married an August man and my very best friends have birthdays all over the place. But I must say Briana is turning out to be a lot like me. This is both good and bad. I want her to be all the things I said above but I also want her to be a little less afraid of life and people in the way that I am.

 You can’t read yet, Briana, but I love you so much that I could just burst open with pride and joy. There is nothing you could say or do to make me love you less and I don’t want you to grow too fast but I so look forward to a wonderful mother-daughter-friend relationship with you. Please forgive me for over protecting you. I love you.