Some people believe that we live many lives, and each life serves as the foundation for new lessons we need to learn to carry with us in our souls. Maybe it's so that we can be our best self when we finally go to heaven.
I think if this is true, I must have lived many, many lives. I've heard people who have lived many lives have a terrible time deciding what career to take on, or making other hard decisions. Because, well, there's so many things it seems we can do. There's too much to pick from. Too much to be passionate about. Too much we could be good at. And so we stall. And think. And think too much.
Not only can I not pick a career, I can't pick a book to read. I can't pick a story to write. I can't pick a sentence to say. I can't pick a person to know. Because there are too many. There is too much good that can be done. There are too many options. There are too many words to read and write. There are too many people to meet. There is no way to know which choice is better. And each choice is an investment of yourself. And we can't pick them all. And we can't do them all. We have to pick. We have to choose.
And that. Is. Daunting.
And I suppose, in this life, that's the lesson I have to learn. I suppose I have to choose. I have to accept that one is good enough. And one will lead to many. Not all, but many. Because if I don't choose then I am left with none. I am left with wasted creativity, wasted thought, wasted effort. I am wasting away the good that could be done out of my very own mind.
So I think we have to choose a path and not think about is as if it might be the "right" or "wrong" choice. We have to look at it as a commitment. Say, "I will commit to this decision, and in committing I am sure it will lead me where I need to go." It might be a smooth or bumpy ride, but either way it doesn't mean you made the right or wrong decision. Anytime you commit to something you win. You learn. You persevere. And you take the knowledge you learned on that path and you apply it to your next journey; your next commitment.
So I will pick a career to have. I will choose a book to read. I will decide on a story to write. I will choose a person to know. I will pick the words to say. And I will commit to them and appreciate where they take me. Because that is better than standing still and watching the world spin by.
Friday, August 7, 2015
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Wait for me Grandma
Wait for me grandma,
though I won’t be too soon,
I’m on my way to heaven
to read books and drink milk with you.
though I won’t be too soon,
I’m on my way to heaven
to read books and drink milk with you.
A few months it’s been,
But it seems like a longer while,
I’m ready to feel your hug and
see that warm grandma smile.
“I love you,” one more time
I wish I could hear you say,
A card game, one more time
I wish we could play.
So wait for me grandma,
though I won’t be too soon,
I’m on my way to heaven
To read books and drink milk with you.
Happy Birthday, Grandma.
by: Ashley Rainsbarger
May 28th, 2015
But it seems like a longer while,
I’m ready to feel your hug and
see that warm grandma smile.
“I love you,” one more time
I wish I could hear you say,
A card game, one more time
I wish we could play.
So wait for me grandma,
though I won’t be too soon,
I’m on my way to heaven
To read books and drink milk with you.
Happy Birthday, Grandma.
by: Ashley Rainsbarger
May 28th, 2015
Friday, March 13, 2015
Grandma
Grandma passed away on Oct. 20th 2014. I miss her everyday. I still don't think I quite understand that she's gone. It's hardest when I look at pictures, the ones we took with the kids before she died. I feel like she's still right there. I feel like I can reach into the photo and touch her.
But I can't.
I saw her about 2 days before she went into a "sleep." She was complaining a little about the swelling in her arms, but pretty good spirited. I felt like she could still be with us a good, long while. We discussed plans with hospice. I made her laugh. I kissed her and hugged her goodbye. But when she came home she wasn't awake. The nurse said they gave her medication for her anxiety. She was very anxious about dying. I had hoped she would be more at peace with it, like you see in the movies, and read about in books - but she was scared. The nurse said she would probably wake up once the medication wore off. She didn't.
For about a week it was like she was just sleeping, and you couldn't wake her. The nurse said her body was tired, and she probably wouldn't wake up like they thought. I was devastated. I didn't know that day in the hospital was my last day. I would have said more. I came everyday. I held her hand. I told her that I was going to make sure everything was okay. I told her it was okay to go.
That Monday, I decided I shouldn't go to work. I wanted to go see her. I still felt like she could be here for a long time. I'm so glad I didn't work that day.
I spent the morning looking through and organizing photos. I knew when she passed there were irreplaceable things that needed to get out of the house, because the house would go into probate and we didn't know what was going to happen to it. My cousin came to visit. I was standing at the bottom of her bed. My cousin was holding her hand. A nurse came in to do some daily care. She said she was showing signs of passing soon. Maybe 2 or 3 days left .I was terrified it was going to be violent. My husband described how it was with his father, and I just didn't know what to expect.
While the nurse was listening to her chest, grandma took a very deep breath, and then she stopped breathing. I held my breath. About 8 seconds later she breathed again and for a second I felt relief. But then she took another 10 seconds before she breathed again. The nurse said, "I think she is passing." I looked at her with astonishment. I wasn't ready. My mom wasn't in the room. I yelled for her, and then I ran to get her. I came back. The nurse shook her head. She was gone.
My mom took it so hard in that moment that I only allowed myself to be sad for a few minutes. Then I didn't feel anything. I had to be strong for my mother, even though grandma was my mother too.
I still feel like I felt that day, after the sadness. I didn't even really cry at the funeral. I just looked into space, and tried not to think of how weird she looked in the coffin. Tried to remember that wasn't her anymore. She wasn't here. She was somewhere better.
I ask her to visit me in my dreams. Sometimes she does. In the last dream I couldn't open my eyes wide enough to really see her face, but I felt her squeezing my hand. I knew it was her because I was able to run my finger over her long nails down to the curved tip. Hudson was sleeping next to me that afternoon for a nap, and I asked her to visit him too.
She was my guardian angel on earth, and now she is my guardian angel in heaven.
But I can't.
I saw her about 2 days before she went into a "sleep." She was complaining a little about the swelling in her arms, but pretty good spirited. I felt like she could still be with us a good, long while. We discussed plans with hospice. I made her laugh. I kissed her and hugged her goodbye. But when she came home she wasn't awake. The nurse said they gave her medication for her anxiety. She was very anxious about dying. I had hoped she would be more at peace with it, like you see in the movies, and read about in books - but she was scared. The nurse said she would probably wake up once the medication wore off. She didn't.
For about a week it was like she was just sleeping, and you couldn't wake her. The nurse said her body was tired, and she probably wouldn't wake up like they thought. I was devastated. I didn't know that day in the hospital was my last day. I would have said more. I came everyday. I held her hand. I told her that I was going to make sure everything was okay. I told her it was okay to go.
That Monday, I decided I shouldn't go to work. I wanted to go see her. I still felt like she could be here for a long time. I'm so glad I didn't work that day.
I spent the morning looking through and organizing photos. I knew when she passed there were irreplaceable things that needed to get out of the house, because the house would go into probate and we didn't know what was going to happen to it. My cousin came to visit. I was standing at the bottom of her bed. My cousin was holding her hand. A nurse came in to do some daily care. She said she was showing signs of passing soon. Maybe 2 or 3 days left .I was terrified it was going to be violent. My husband described how it was with his father, and I just didn't know what to expect.
While the nurse was listening to her chest, grandma took a very deep breath, and then she stopped breathing. I held my breath. About 8 seconds later she breathed again and for a second I felt relief. But then she took another 10 seconds before she breathed again. The nurse said, "I think she is passing." I looked at her with astonishment. I wasn't ready. My mom wasn't in the room. I yelled for her, and then I ran to get her. I came back. The nurse shook her head. She was gone.
My mom took it so hard in that moment that I only allowed myself to be sad for a few minutes. Then I didn't feel anything. I had to be strong for my mother, even though grandma was my mother too.
I still feel like I felt that day, after the sadness. I didn't even really cry at the funeral. I just looked into space, and tried not to think of how weird she looked in the coffin. Tried to remember that wasn't her anymore. She wasn't here. She was somewhere better.
I ask her to visit me in my dreams. Sometimes she does. In the last dream I couldn't open my eyes wide enough to really see her face, but I felt her squeezing my hand. I knew it was her because I was able to run my finger over her long nails down to the curved tip. Hudson was sleeping next to me that afternoon for a nap, and I asked her to visit him too.
She was my guardian angel on earth, and now she is my guardian angel in heaven.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Work and Blogs and Babies, Oh My!
Right now I'm working as an admin assistant for a small company and I really like it. It 's not as challenging as I need it to be right now but they are growing fast and I'm sure if I stick it out my position will grow as well. I'm kind of excited because I feel like it's an opportunity to really grow with them and it could mean big things. I originally took it because there were no teaching positions available but now, who knows where I'll end up. That always tends to be the case with me. I'm either really brave for switching scenes constantly, or insane. Maybe both.
Having a job is helping us financially a lot and next year we will even have extra money so we can get back to normal. A year is not very long in the big picture, but it's already been a year since we've been here, and living in a tiny white duplex sucks. I'm trying to stay patient.
The kids are good and healthy but fighting like evil little minions. Sometimes it's very stressful because I don't know how to make it better. I want them love each other and be kind to each other but most of the time that is not the case. Briana is very short with Hudson and doesn't even give him the chance to be annoying before she's annoyed. Hudson is an instigator and enjoys her anger. He makes noises, stares at her, takes her seats, so on and so on. Sometimes it's all I can take. If you have any advice at all I'd love to hear it. At the very least, tell me it will pass.
Grandma is gone now and I miss her. The week she died was a blurry dream. I didn't feel much emotion but I knew I wouldn't get off that easy. I think I thought that she was still here, that I could still call her. But I can't call her. And being the single most responsible person on this side of the fence- I'm dealing with cleaning out her house and having to sell it (and everything that goes with that). I have help and I feel a lot closer to some people in my family than I did before all of this but it's really a lonely feeling when you are so depended on. I'm also upset about losing that house. It is the only home I've known. That house was always there for me, like nothing else. I would love to keep it and fix it but there's no way.
I've always wanted to start a real mommy blog-like with real readers haha. I've given a couple of gos at it but this time I actually bought a domain name. So head over here to look at it if you feel like it and tell me what you think. www.momboss.net . I want to stick with it and grow it.
I still want a baby. Again, I'm either brave or crazy. I said I was done. Something just changed. I don't know. I guess I'll just think about it for awhile. How do you decide?
That's what's going on with me.
Having a job is helping us financially a lot and next year we will even have extra money so we can get back to normal. A year is not very long in the big picture, but it's already been a year since we've been here, and living in a tiny white duplex sucks. I'm trying to stay patient.
The kids are good and healthy but fighting like evil little minions. Sometimes it's very stressful because I don't know how to make it better. I want them love each other and be kind to each other but most of the time that is not the case. Briana is very short with Hudson and doesn't even give him the chance to be annoying before she's annoyed. Hudson is an instigator and enjoys her anger. He makes noises, stares at her, takes her seats, so on and so on. Sometimes it's all I can take. If you have any advice at all I'd love to hear it. At the very least, tell me it will pass.
Grandma is gone now and I miss her. The week she died was a blurry dream. I didn't feel much emotion but I knew I wouldn't get off that easy. I think I thought that she was still here, that I could still call her. But I can't call her. And being the single most responsible person on this side of the fence- I'm dealing with cleaning out her house and having to sell it (and everything that goes with that). I have help and I feel a lot closer to some people in my family than I did before all of this but it's really a lonely feeling when you are so depended on. I'm also upset about losing that house. It is the only home I've known. That house was always there for me, like nothing else. I would love to keep it and fix it but there's no way.
I've always wanted to start a real mommy blog-like with real readers haha. I've given a couple of gos at it but this time I actually bought a domain name. So head over here to look at it if you feel like it and tell me what you think. www.momboss.net . I want to stick with it and grow it.
I still want a baby. Again, I'm either brave or crazy. I said I was done. Something just changed. I don't know. I guess I'll just think about it for awhile. How do you decide?
That's what's going on with me.
Monday, November 17, 2014
A Lazy, Frozen Saturday
I knew this past Saturday was going to be pretty boring for the kiddos if I didn't think of something to do. Charles had been working the night shift so he was sleeping and it was supposed to snow-I didn't want to be driving around in that. I decided we could do an activity and watch Frozen for the millionth time.
I thought it would be cute if they could build Olaf. First I drew pieces the kids could cut out to make an Olaf (2 white circles for the body, another weird shape with a drawn on face for the head, 2 little white feet, and an orange nose). Then I cut out the buttons, arms, and hair from black felt so they could glue those on. We used a peice of blue felt as the background to glue the pieces together. Then I gave them white fabric paint to dab on snow flakes-but they went a little nuts with that part. Afterwards we watched the movie, made hot chocolate with marshmallows, and ate popcorn.
After the movie they played the Just Dance Wii game. Then Briana was invited to a sleepover and the rest of the evening with Hudson was cake.
I really enjoy times like this because it's not the same as taking them to do something fun. You're actually forced to sit down and have moments with them, laugh with them, and make quality memories.
It was a fun time. Check out their cute little Olafs.
I thought it would be cute if they could build Olaf. First I drew pieces the kids could cut out to make an Olaf (2 white circles for the body, another weird shape with a drawn on face for the head, 2 little white feet, and an orange nose). Then I cut out the buttons, arms, and hair from black felt so they could glue those on. We used a peice of blue felt as the background to glue the pieces together. Then I gave them white fabric paint to dab on snow flakes-but they went a little nuts with that part. Afterwards we watched the movie, made hot chocolate with marshmallows, and ate popcorn.
After the movie they played the Just Dance Wii game. Then Briana was invited to a sleepover and the rest of the evening with Hudson was cake.
I really enjoy times like this because it's not the same as taking them to do something fun. You're actually forced to sit down and have moments with them, laugh with them, and make quality memories.
It was a fun time. Check out their cute little Olafs.
Friday, November 7, 2014
Baby Fever
I have baby fever. Like the worst I have had it since Hudson. And not just the day kind this time. This is like the not-going-away kind. What is wrong with me? I have 2 children; one is school aged and the other is almost school aged. I'm so close to not paying day-care anymore. Plus, if I have three then I have to have four because it's still my dream to adopt. Part of me even feels guilty for birthing any at all because of all the ones that need homes. I always told Charles we shouldn't let the children out number us! Having a child now is, like, crazy.
I don't know. I miss being pregnant. I miss holding that tiny baby. I miss all the funny things they do in the first few years. The kids are old enough to be helpers and both really want another sibling. They don't really understand the nature of a baby, of course. I also really, really like the idea of having multiple adult children. The whole raising thing is hard, but when they are old enough to have their own lives- the idea of the kids and their new families coming over for visits and holiday dinners is AWESOME to me. If I was wealthy enough to hire help I wouldn't stop at three or four. It would probably be more like 5-6. The more the merrier. Thinking about never being pregnant again makes me feel sad. I don't know if I really appreciated that when I was pregnant with Hudson.
Believe me. I also remember the not-fun (to put it nicely) parts about being pregnant and then having a baby. No sleep. Feeding. No sleep. Crying. The baby crying. No sleep. Spreading yourself thin. Getting fatter. Paying day care. Cost of diapers and formula. No sleep. The worry. Not enough help. Less time with your spouse. Did I say no sleep?
Things are back on the right track and we're only 1-2 years away from owning a home again-for the final time. After all, we always tend to do things all at once. Why quit now?
I don't know. I miss being pregnant. I miss holding that tiny baby. I miss all the funny things they do in the first few years. The kids are old enough to be helpers and both really want another sibling. They don't really understand the nature of a baby, of course. I also really, really like the idea of having multiple adult children. The whole raising thing is hard, but when they are old enough to have their own lives- the idea of the kids and their new families coming over for visits and holiday dinners is AWESOME to me. If I was wealthy enough to hire help I wouldn't stop at three or four. It would probably be more like 5-6. The more the merrier. Thinking about never being pregnant again makes me feel sad. I don't know if I really appreciated that when I was pregnant with Hudson.
Believe me. I also remember the not-fun (to put it nicely) parts about being pregnant and then having a baby. No sleep. Feeding. No sleep. Crying. The baby crying. No sleep. Spreading yourself thin. Getting fatter. Paying day care. Cost of diapers and formula. No sleep. The worry. Not enough help. Less time with your spouse. Did I say no sleep?
Things are back on the right track and we're only 1-2 years away from owning a home again-for the final time. After all, we always tend to do things all at once. Why quit now?
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
A Letter to Briana and Hudson on Dreams
Dear Briana and Hudson,
I hope your dreams are big. I hope your imagination is huge. I hope you have enough will power and strong mindedness to push through life with vigor. I want you to do whatever you want to do. I want you to be whoever you want to be. But don't think for a second that it will be easy. Don't think for a second it won't be hard.
Know for every yes you'll have a hundred nos. Go into life knowing that it's going to challenge you and test your limits. It's not a matter of if bad things will happen but a matter of when. But you can be better than the rest. You can do better than the rest. You can ask life, is that all you got? You can be prepared. If someone tells you no, keep going until you get a yes. If you took three steps forward only to be pushed ten steps back then strive for twenty more. When you fall down, get back up; every, single, time. If someone tells you that you're not good enough don't bother to tell them they're wrong; show them. If they can't see all the wonderful things about you then they're not worth knowing. Sometimes your own mind will say you're not good enough. Don't listen to that either.
No matter what you strive for in life, the only thing that matters is love. My dream was to have you. I will always love you. I will always believe in you. On earth, or in heaven, I will always be with you.
Love,
Mom.
I hope your dreams are big. I hope your imagination is huge. I hope you have enough will power and strong mindedness to push through life with vigor. I want you to do whatever you want to do. I want you to be whoever you want to be. But don't think for a second that it will be easy. Don't think for a second it won't be hard.
Know for every yes you'll have a hundred nos. Go into life knowing that it's going to challenge you and test your limits. It's not a matter of if bad things will happen but a matter of when. But you can be better than the rest. You can do better than the rest. You can ask life, is that all you got? You can be prepared. If someone tells you no, keep going until you get a yes. If you took three steps forward only to be pushed ten steps back then strive for twenty more. When you fall down, get back up; every, single, time. If someone tells you that you're not good enough don't bother to tell them they're wrong; show them. If they can't see all the wonderful things about you then they're not worth knowing. Sometimes your own mind will say you're not good enough. Don't listen to that either.
No matter what you strive for in life, the only thing that matters is love. My dream was to have you. I will always love you. I will always believe in you. On earth, or in heaven, I will always be with you.
Love,
Mom.
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