Right now I feel like I am in a place of subtle but constant pain.
That baby fever I had a couple years ago got me into trouble. I'm 9 weeks pregnant. Can you imagine? A third child? Briana and Hudson are thrilled. I think they will be a big help. But up until today, I have felt mildly and constantly sick. Part of the reason I decided to have another is because I remember how pleasant my pregnancies were. I rarely had nausea. But this time around is different. So far I've been very tired, short of breath and annoyingly, mildly but constantly ill. For some reason, it has eased up today and I'm hoping it's a sign that I'm done with all that. I want to enjoy it since it's definitely my last time. I'm wondering if there's more than one baby in there...
That's not the only reason for my aches and pain. I'm still in grad school. Nearly a year in and a year left to go. I'm writing or thinking about writing papers constantly. I'm reading or at least reading enough to bs my way through class. I wanted to go back to school because I wanted to stay sharp and enjoy the learning process...but now I just think I'm crazy. How in the world did I think I could work, raise 2 kids, be pregnant and go to grad school? Do I think I'm some kind of Super Woman?
And mom is sick. She won't really admit how sick she is. When you talk about it- she changes the subject, but her lungs are tired. She finally started being on oxygen and I hope that really helps. But she's had a terrible time smoking. It's really taken not being able to walk 10 ft before she even could realize she probably had to stop. No way am I going to get to have her around as long as grandma. She's done too much damage to her body. Every day I wonder if something has happened to her and I just won't find out soon enough because she lives alone and can't work her phone properly. She finally has cleaning help and a nurse so I'm grateful for that.
Everyday steps just feel hard. Am I being an affectionate mom? A caring wife? Am I going to make it through school? Am I being a good enough teacher? A helpful friend? An attentive daughter?
And with the new baby, I'm wondering how we're financially going to get through. We need a bigger house. We need to stop eating out so much. We need to pay off our debt. Am I ever going to get a full-time teaching job to help out?!!
But I am thankful. This feels like the hardest time in my life and I am thankful. I'm thankful that Thanksgiving is Thursday and I get to see my family and cook for them. I'm thankful we get to expect another child and how excited my children are. I'm thankful I have a teaching job where I get to help kids and learn how to be a better person. I'm thankful my husband loves me so much and works hard for us every day. I'm thankful I have a good relationship with my mom and for the kindness she's always showed me. I'm thankful I get to be here and have all these feelings and have all my family and friends. I'm thankful I get to fight with my daughter and patch up my son's bloody knees.
Because like that really annoying country song says, I'm gonna miss this. I'm gonna want this back.
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
So Here's an Update
Here I am! Where have I been? I don't know. I'm too tired to remember. I'm 29 now, not really trying to think about how dangerously close to 30 that is. I'm working as a Para at a middle school in my hometown district. It's the lowest paying job I've ever had. It's also the most rewarding. I completed alternate certification to teach in Missouri, but so far no luck in being hired. I'm a terrible interview. No. Seriously. I mean why am I being measured on my ability to come up with fantastic interview answers when really I just need to be able to teach content and build meaningful relationships with my students?
Oh well. So now I'm trying to get through grad school. Hooooray for more student loans! I'm 2 classes in. I'm doing well but it's hard and scary. I guess that's good for me. It's making me think all these deep thoughts and stuff. And I have to talk. To people. A lot.
There's some pretty cool people in my classes who've made me feel safe. So I'm trying to be brave and get over my whole awkward, quiet, mysterious way of being. Life is better out in the open. Maybe. I'll try it out anyway.
Kids are goooood. Husband is goooood. My whole deal in life right now is just exploring my brain and living in the now. I've got to stop being sad over the past. I also need to stop trying to hurl myself into the future. I mean holy cow Ashley, slow the f*** down already!
I want to trust in the universe and trust in my thoughts. I want to trust the path that life is taking me (I've been reading way too much Emerson). I want to enjoy the now. I want to really be with the people I love and enjoy the company of new people. I can't stop being afraid, but I can face my fears and do it anyway. I want to be creative again. Creativity is God working through us.
Enough of that. Later!
Friday, August 7, 2015
On Commitment
Some people believe that we live many lives, and each life serves as the foundation for new lessons we need to learn to carry with us in our souls. Maybe it's so that we can be our best self when we finally go to heaven.
I think if this is true, I must have lived many, many lives. I've heard people who have lived many lives have a terrible time deciding what career to take on, or making other hard decisions. Because, well, there's so many things it seems we can do. There's too much to pick from. Too much to be passionate about. Too much we could be good at. And so we stall. And think. And think too much.
Not only can I not pick a career, I can't pick a book to read. I can't pick a story to write. I can't pick a sentence to say. I can't pick a person to know. Because there are too many. There is too much good that can be done. There are too many options. There are too many words to read and write. There are too many people to meet. There is no way to know which choice is better. And each choice is an investment of yourself. And we can't pick them all. And we can't do them all. We have to pick. We have to choose.
And that. Is. Daunting.
And I suppose, in this life, that's the lesson I have to learn. I suppose I have to choose. I have to accept that one is good enough. And one will lead to many. Not all, but many. Because if I don't choose then I am left with none. I am left with wasted creativity, wasted thought, wasted effort. I am wasting away the good that could be done out of my very own mind.
So I think we have to choose a path and not think about is as if it might be the "right" or "wrong" choice. We have to look at it as a commitment. Say, "I will commit to this decision, and in committing I am sure it will lead me where I need to go." It might be a smooth or bumpy ride, but either way it doesn't mean you made the right or wrong decision. Anytime you commit to something you win. You learn. You persevere. And you take the knowledge you learned on that path and you apply it to your next journey; your next commitment.
So I will pick a career to have. I will choose a book to read. I will decide on a story to write. I will choose a person to know. I will pick the words to say. And I will commit to them and appreciate where they take me. Because that is better than standing still and watching the world spin by.
I think if this is true, I must have lived many, many lives. I've heard people who have lived many lives have a terrible time deciding what career to take on, or making other hard decisions. Because, well, there's so many things it seems we can do. There's too much to pick from. Too much to be passionate about. Too much we could be good at. And so we stall. And think. And think too much.
Not only can I not pick a career, I can't pick a book to read. I can't pick a story to write. I can't pick a sentence to say. I can't pick a person to know. Because there are too many. There is too much good that can be done. There are too many options. There are too many words to read and write. There are too many people to meet. There is no way to know which choice is better. And each choice is an investment of yourself. And we can't pick them all. And we can't do them all. We have to pick. We have to choose.
And that. Is. Daunting.
And I suppose, in this life, that's the lesson I have to learn. I suppose I have to choose. I have to accept that one is good enough. And one will lead to many. Not all, but many. Because if I don't choose then I am left with none. I am left with wasted creativity, wasted thought, wasted effort. I am wasting away the good that could be done out of my very own mind.
So I think we have to choose a path and not think about is as if it might be the "right" or "wrong" choice. We have to look at it as a commitment. Say, "I will commit to this decision, and in committing I am sure it will lead me where I need to go." It might be a smooth or bumpy ride, but either way it doesn't mean you made the right or wrong decision. Anytime you commit to something you win. You learn. You persevere. And you take the knowledge you learned on that path and you apply it to your next journey; your next commitment.
So I will pick a career to have. I will choose a book to read. I will decide on a story to write. I will choose a person to know. I will pick the words to say. And I will commit to them and appreciate where they take me. Because that is better than standing still and watching the world spin by.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Wait for me Grandma
Wait for me grandma,
though I won’t be too soon,
I’m on my way to heaven
to read books and drink milk with you.
though I won’t be too soon,
I’m on my way to heaven
to read books and drink milk with you.
A few months it’s been,
But it seems like a longer while,
I’m ready to feel your hug and
see that warm grandma smile.
“I love you,” one more time
I wish I could hear you say,
A card game, one more time
I wish we could play.
So wait for me grandma,
though I won’t be too soon,
I’m on my way to heaven
To read books and drink milk with you.
Happy Birthday, Grandma.
by: Ashley Rainsbarger
May 28th, 2015
But it seems like a longer while,
I’m ready to feel your hug and
see that warm grandma smile.
“I love you,” one more time
I wish I could hear you say,
A card game, one more time
I wish we could play.
So wait for me grandma,
though I won’t be too soon,
I’m on my way to heaven
To read books and drink milk with you.
Happy Birthday, Grandma.
by: Ashley Rainsbarger
May 28th, 2015
Friday, March 13, 2015
Grandma
Grandma passed away on Oct. 20th 2014. I miss her everyday. I still don't think I quite understand that she's gone. It's hardest when I look at pictures, the ones we took with the kids before she died. I feel like she's still right there. I feel like I can reach into the photo and touch her.
But I can't.
I saw her about 2 days before she went into a "sleep." She was complaining a little about the swelling in her arms, but pretty good spirited. I felt like she could still be with us a good, long while. We discussed plans with hospice. I made her laugh. I kissed her and hugged her goodbye. But when she came home she wasn't awake. The nurse said they gave her medication for her anxiety. She was very anxious about dying. I had hoped she would be more at peace with it, like you see in the movies, and read about in books - but she was scared. The nurse said she would probably wake up once the medication wore off. She didn't.
For about a week it was like she was just sleeping, and you couldn't wake her. The nurse said her body was tired, and she probably wouldn't wake up like they thought. I was devastated. I didn't know that day in the hospital was my last day. I would have said more. I came everyday. I held her hand. I told her that I was going to make sure everything was okay. I told her it was okay to go.
That Monday, I decided I shouldn't go to work. I wanted to go see her. I still felt like she could be here for a long time. I'm so glad I didn't work that day.
I spent the morning looking through and organizing photos. I knew when she passed there were irreplaceable things that needed to get out of the house, because the house would go into probate and we didn't know what was going to happen to it. My cousin came to visit. I was standing at the bottom of her bed. My cousin was holding her hand. A nurse came in to do some daily care. She said she was showing signs of passing soon. Maybe 2 or 3 days left .I was terrified it was going to be violent. My husband described how it was with his father, and I just didn't know what to expect.
While the nurse was listening to her chest, grandma took a very deep breath, and then she stopped breathing. I held my breath. About 8 seconds later she breathed again and for a second I felt relief. But then she took another 10 seconds before she breathed again. The nurse said, "I think she is passing." I looked at her with astonishment. I wasn't ready. My mom wasn't in the room. I yelled for her, and then I ran to get her. I came back. The nurse shook her head. She was gone.
My mom took it so hard in that moment that I only allowed myself to be sad for a few minutes. Then I didn't feel anything. I had to be strong for my mother, even though grandma was my mother too.
I still feel like I felt that day, after the sadness. I didn't even really cry at the funeral. I just looked into space, and tried not to think of how weird she looked in the coffin. Tried to remember that wasn't her anymore. She wasn't here. She was somewhere better.
I ask her to visit me in my dreams. Sometimes she does. In the last dream I couldn't open my eyes wide enough to really see her face, but I felt her squeezing my hand. I knew it was her because I was able to run my finger over her long nails down to the curved tip. Hudson was sleeping next to me that afternoon for a nap, and I asked her to visit him too.
She was my guardian angel on earth, and now she is my guardian angel in heaven.
But I can't.
I saw her about 2 days before she went into a "sleep." She was complaining a little about the swelling in her arms, but pretty good spirited. I felt like she could still be with us a good, long while. We discussed plans with hospice. I made her laugh. I kissed her and hugged her goodbye. But when she came home she wasn't awake. The nurse said they gave her medication for her anxiety. She was very anxious about dying. I had hoped she would be more at peace with it, like you see in the movies, and read about in books - but she was scared. The nurse said she would probably wake up once the medication wore off. She didn't.
For about a week it was like she was just sleeping, and you couldn't wake her. The nurse said her body was tired, and she probably wouldn't wake up like they thought. I was devastated. I didn't know that day in the hospital was my last day. I would have said more. I came everyday. I held her hand. I told her that I was going to make sure everything was okay. I told her it was okay to go.
That Monday, I decided I shouldn't go to work. I wanted to go see her. I still felt like she could be here for a long time. I'm so glad I didn't work that day.
I spent the morning looking through and organizing photos. I knew when she passed there were irreplaceable things that needed to get out of the house, because the house would go into probate and we didn't know what was going to happen to it. My cousin came to visit. I was standing at the bottom of her bed. My cousin was holding her hand. A nurse came in to do some daily care. She said she was showing signs of passing soon. Maybe 2 or 3 days left .I was terrified it was going to be violent. My husband described how it was with his father, and I just didn't know what to expect.
While the nurse was listening to her chest, grandma took a very deep breath, and then she stopped breathing. I held my breath. About 8 seconds later she breathed again and for a second I felt relief. But then she took another 10 seconds before she breathed again. The nurse said, "I think she is passing." I looked at her with astonishment. I wasn't ready. My mom wasn't in the room. I yelled for her, and then I ran to get her. I came back. The nurse shook her head. She was gone.
My mom took it so hard in that moment that I only allowed myself to be sad for a few minutes. Then I didn't feel anything. I had to be strong for my mother, even though grandma was my mother too.
I still feel like I felt that day, after the sadness. I didn't even really cry at the funeral. I just looked into space, and tried not to think of how weird she looked in the coffin. Tried to remember that wasn't her anymore. She wasn't here. She was somewhere better.
I ask her to visit me in my dreams. Sometimes she does. In the last dream I couldn't open my eyes wide enough to really see her face, but I felt her squeezing my hand. I knew it was her because I was able to run my finger over her long nails down to the curved tip. Hudson was sleeping next to me that afternoon for a nap, and I asked her to visit him too.
She was my guardian angel on earth, and now she is my guardian angel in heaven.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Work and Blogs and Babies, Oh My!
Right now I'm working as an admin assistant for a small company and I really like it. It 's not as challenging as I need it to be right now but they are growing fast and I'm sure if I stick it out my position will grow as well. I'm kind of excited because I feel like it's an opportunity to really grow with them and it could mean big things. I originally took it because there were no teaching positions available but now, who knows where I'll end up. That always tends to be the case with me. I'm either really brave for switching scenes constantly, or insane. Maybe both.
Having a job is helping us financially a lot and next year we will even have extra money so we can get back to normal. A year is not very long in the big picture, but it's already been a year since we've been here, and living in a tiny white duplex sucks. I'm trying to stay patient.
The kids are good and healthy but fighting like evil little minions. Sometimes it's very stressful because I don't know how to make it better. I want them love each other and be kind to each other but most of the time that is not the case. Briana is very short with Hudson and doesn't even give him the chance to be annoying before she's annoyed. Hudson is an instigator and enjoys her anger. He makes noises, stares at her, takes her seats, so on and so on. Sometimes it's all I can take. If you have any advice at all I'd love to hear it. At the very least, tell me it will pass.
Grandma is gone now and I miss her. The week she died was a blurry dream. I didn't feel much emotion but I knew I wouldn't get off that easy. I think I thought that she was still here, that I could still call her. But I can't call her. And being the single most responsible person on this side of the fence- I'm dealing with cleaning out her house and having to sell it (and everything that goes with that). I have help and I feel a lot closer to some people in my family than I did before all of this but it's really a lonely feeling when you are so depended on. I'm also upset about losing that house. It is the only home I've known. That house was always there for me, like nothing else. I would love to keep it and fix it but there's no way.
I've always wanted to start a real mommy blog-like with real readers haha. I've given a couple of gos at it but this time I actually bought a domain name. So head over here to look at it if you feel like it and tell me what you think. www.momboss.net . I want to stick with it and grow it.
I still want a baby. Again, I'm either brave or crazy. I said I was done. Something just changed. I don't know. I guess I'll just think about it for awhile. How do you decide?
That's what's going on with me.
Having a job is helping us financially a lot and next year we will even have extra money so we can get back to normal. A year is not very long in the big picture, but it's already been a year since we've been here, and living in a tiny white duplex sucks. I'm trying to stay patient.
The kids are good and healthy but fighting like evil little minions. Sometimes it's very stressful because I don't know how to make it better. I want them love each other and be kind to each other but most of the time that is not the case. Briana is very short with Hudson and doesn't even give him the chance to be annoying before she's annoyed. Hudson is an instigator and enjoys her anger. He makes noises, stares at her, takes her seats, so on and so on. Sometimes it's all I can take. If you have any advice at all I'd love to hear it. At the very least, tell me it will pass.
Grandma is gone now and I miss her. The week she died was a blurry dream. I didn't feel much emotion but I knew I wouldn't get off that easy. I think I thought that she was still here, that I could still call her. But I can't call her. And being the single most responsible person on this side of the fence- I'm dealing with cleaning out her house and having to sell it (and everything that goes with that). I have help and I feel a lot closer to some people in my family than I did before all of this but it's really a lonely feeling when you are so depended on. I'm also upset about losing that house. It is the only home I've known. That house was always there for me, like nothing else. I would love to keep it and fix it but there's no way.
I've always wanted to start a real mommy blog-like with real readers haha. I've given a couple of gos at it but this time I actually bought a domain name. So head over here to look at it if you feel like it and tell me what you think. www.momboss.net . I want to stick with it and grow it.
I still want a baby. Again, I'm either brave or crazy. I said I was done. Something just changed. I don't know. I guess I'll just think about it for awhile. How do you decide?
That's what's going on with me.
Monday, November 17, 2014
A Lazy, Frozen Saturday
I knew this past Saturday was going to be pretty boring for the kiddos if I didn't think of something to do. Charles had been working the night shift so he was sleeping and it was supposed to snow-I didn't want to be driving around in that. I decided we could do an activity and watch Frozen for the millionth time.
I thought it would be cute if they could build Olaf. First I drew pieces the kids could cut out to make an Olaf (2 white circles for the body, another weird shape with a drawn on face for the head, 2 little white feet, and an orange nose). Then I cut out the buttons, arms, and hair from black felt so they could glue those on. We used a peice of blue felt as the background to glue the pieces together. Then I gave them white fabric paint to dab on snow flakes-but they went a little nuts with that part. Afterwards we watched the movie, made hot chocolate with marshmallows, and ate popcorn.
After the movie they played the Just Dance Wii game. Then Briana was invited to a sleepover and the rest of the evening with Hudson was cake.
I really enjoy times like this because it's not the same as taking them to do something fun. You're actually forced to sit down and have moments with them, laugh with them, and make quality memories.
It was a fun time. Check out their cute little Olafs.
I thought it would be cute if they could build Olaf. First I drew pieces the kids could cut out to make an Olaf (2 white circles for the body, another weird shape with a drawn on face for the head, 2 little white feet, and an orange nose). Then I cut out the buttons, arms, and hair from black felt so they could glue those on. We used a peice of blue felt as the background to glue the pieces together. Then I gave them white fabric paint to dab on snow flakes-but they went a little nuts with that part. Afterwards we watched the movie, made hot chocolate with marshmallows, and ate popcorn.
After the movie they played the Just Dance Wii game. Then Briana was invited to a sleepover and the rest of the evening with Hudson was cake.
I really enjoy times like this because it's not the same as taking them to do something fun. You're actually forced to sit down and have moments with them, laugh with them, and make quality memories.
It was a fun time. Check out their cute little Olafs.
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