Grandma Arlene

Grandma Arlene is my rock. When I was growing up I never knew how long I would be in one school. I never knew if my dad would come home at night from the bar. I never knew if my mom would get out of bed that day. I could tell you sad childhood stories for days. This isn't about that. I always had grandma's house and I always had grandma. She's helped my parents buy houses, pay bills, put food in the fridge, and every year we had a Christmas-it was because of her. When we didn't have a home-her home was our home. When we were young she made sure we got to go camping and as I got older she would give me rides to be with my friends. I have little to no happy memories that involve my parents but all the good ones are because of her. No one else in my family has managed to go as far outside the sad, addicted, circle of blackness, as I have. Grandma is the reason I found the strength to finish high school and graduate college. Grandma is the reason I found the strength to value myself and marry a man who didn't treat me like dirt. Grandma is the reason I found the strength to be a great mother to my own kids.  I have many issues, all probably a result of post-traumatic stress, but sometimes even I look at myself and I can't believe how far I made it. It's because of her.

Fast forward through the last 9 months-it has been revealed that she has cancer. It is lung cancer, wrapping around an important artery near her heart and around her trachea. It has spread to her liver and now could spread to the brain. She is too old, thin, and sick to even think about an aggressive treatment plan. So now, we are getting a comfort care plan in order. Now, we are preparing for her death. It's no longer really a question of whether or not she can recover. It's no longer wondering how long she gets to be with us because we know that time now is very, very short.

No one close to me has ever died. I feel like I'm pretty prepared but when I think about the world without her, I lose my sense of security. I keep wishing her life was easier. I keep hoping for a way to make it up to her. She's scared and so am I. My grandma is a Jesus-loving woman but she's not sure what or who is going to meet her on the other side. She feels guilty for not having faith. She's not ready to go and I'm not ready to let her go.

But I have faith. I know wherever she's going is better than here. I know I'll finally have an angel on my side. I know she's going to watch over us and guide us in the right direction. I know all the pain and fatigue will lift away and she'll finally feel free. 

Now I'm her rock, and she can hold on to me until she's ready to let go. 

I Got a Job

I got a job. It's a relief. I feel blessed that it finally happened and I'm feeling hopeful that it can turn into something great. It's not teaching but I'm okay with that because it's something I'm still good at.

I won't talk about it too much yet. It's like when you get a new boyfriend you don't want to jinx it. But it's with a small business, not corporation- but it's looks like they are moving up fast. Not a ton of cash but there is growth potential. The people seem really great and it's a relaxed atmosphere. I feel like I can be a lot of help and bring in new ideas. It's kind of exciting!

If I've learned anything it's that where you work and what you do is not near as important as the people you work with. You can have the best job and the people around you can ruin that joy. Right now I'm excited about finally paying some bills off and looking to owning the perfect home.

Sometimes things happen that you wouldn't have really picked for yourself but you just go with it because God gives you signs that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

Please wish me luck,

Now I Look Up to My Children

The topic of parenting has been a common theme in my life lately. I've been reading about it in blogs, talking about it with my husband, and learning about it on TV and in books. So I take it as a sign that I need to look at my parenting abilities and do better.

My wonderful, imaginative, handsome Hudson is so easy to love. You couldn't believe how affectionate he is, how much he always wants to be with me, and the sweetest things he says to me. He tells me he loves my heart. He tells me I'm beautiful. He tells me I'm the best mommy in the world and that he's so glad he picked me while he was in heaven (I tell him often that I'm glad he picked me as his mommy before he came to earth). And in many ways he is so much like me. He's shy but warms up to good people. He's smart and curious. He understands things that maybe his age shouldn't understand. He's cautious and independent. I remember while I was pregnant with him, and even when he was a screaming infant, I was terrified that I may not be able to love him as much or in the same way that I love Briana. I just felt like there wasn't enough love. But I was so wrong. Love grows and I grew so much for him.

Briana is so different. Briana is not as easy to love. Please realize that does not mean I don't love her as much, or that I value her less than Hudson. Briana is part of my soul. She's beautiful, intelligent, kind, and helpful. She holds a place in my heart no one else can. But I notice me trying to push my wants and needs onto her. For the longest time I disliked that she was so girly and loved pink. I would try so hard to get her to wear jeans and shorts and less dresses. I always wanted her to be something scary for Halloween and not something pretty like a princess. We have fought many times over what she's going to wear to school. I don't like it when she takes an hour in the shower or when she throws herself to the floor like such a drama-queen when she doesn't get her way. I also find it annoying that she's not as self-less as I would have hoped. I know, she's 7, but I sort of combined the idea of how I was as a child with the idea of a perfect big-sister mommy helper. I can see that she's going to be more popular in school. I can see that other kids flock to her. And it's hard for me because I wasn't like that. It's not that I don't want her to have a better experience than I did but maybe I'm afraid she'll turn into something I was afraid of and so I'm afraid we won't be able to connect.

So I feel like I'm seeing now how silly all that is. She's a new human and she's going to have new experiences and I can't foreshadow her life with my values and fears. She's not going to be like me because she wasn't raised like me. She doesn't have the fears and insecurities I had. She doesn't have the unknowing in her home the way that I did. Isn't that great? So what if she wants to be a princess and so what if she wants to wear an outfit that I don't particularly like to school? So what if she's over dramatic and more needy than me? So what if all she will eat right now is pasta and lunchables? Briana challenges me as a parent. She does not conform to my idea of how I think she should be, and I thank her for that. I think I always imagined her to be my mini-me or a better version of me but it turns out she's Briana. Silly, huh? I may only have 10-11 short years left with her before she's grown and starts her own life. I have to enjoy, appreciate, and soak in as much joy as we can create.

We spend a lot of time correcting our kids, telling them what to do, and even being angry at them for not reaching the places we want them to reach. We have an idea that they look to us for help, guidance, and support so we have to be strong and stern. But maybe we should look to them. Maybe we should be watching them and really listening to what they have to say. Maybe they are our teachers. Maybe it's not them who need to be corrected.

So thank you, Briana, my love, my beautiful daughter. I can't wait to see what challenges Hudson brings.

Have the Guts to Reject Me

At this point I am an expert job searcher. I've spent the last year with no full time job searching for jobs and really I've been searching for a career that will make me happy ever since I graduated college in 2009.

With that being said, for the love of God, please tell people when they have not been chosen for the job they interviewed for. It is only common courtesy after an interview, phone or in person, to tell someone they have not been selected. It's hard to find a job. Not like a little hard. Like, A LOT HARD. So when someone finally gets an interview they become excited and they think there is a chance that this time they might land one. They might get a job. So until you call said person, they are wishing and hoping that you're just taking your sweet time figuring out all the little details before you call. When in all reality, you have picked someone different and don't have the decency or common sense to tell someone, I'm sorry you were not picked.

This hasn't happened to me just a few times. It's happened a lot. You would think most businesses would treat individuals like me with respect and courtesy. I can take bad news, I'll get over it. But when you don't call someone to say, no thank you, then you and your business look stupid. People like me won't apply to your business again, and when someone asks me about my experience then I'm going to tell them the truth. You Suck.

The End.

Zombies

I love when high school kids say hi. It doesn't happen often but when it does, it's like a bright light through a dark tunnell of zombies. I don't judge them, I used to be a zombie. I just appreciate those of them who are not.

My Magical Life

In case you didn't know, I'm a magical person. So is Charles. I magically made it through high school in one piece, and I magically finished college while raising a child. Charles and I magically pay our bills with magical money, and we magically raise good, no great kids. My job as a sub, when I have one,  is wonderful every single day. And when I don't have a job for the day I'm still magically happy about it. Charles is a magical man who magically makes it to work everyday and magically fixes train tracks. He's done this for almost 10 magical years. I magically paid for and finished a magical teaching license program and now I'm magically certified to teach English. Charles and I have been married for almost 8 magical, perfect years. We've been parents for 7 perfect, and magical years.

This is how I feel that some people look at me. They think I have super powers and not one bit of it is flattering. I know where it comes from. Many people in my family or other people I know didn't accomplish what I have a accomplished. That statement is not a put down, not a slap in the face, but a fact. We all accomplish different things at different points in our life. It was not easier for me to accomplish what I did; I did not have help, or a magic wand. And there's not one person in my family that couldn't do what I've done. I don't know why I'm different but I know that when you come from a place of low expectations and you exceed those expectations substantially,  you are not always met with praise. You are met with jealousy, and anger.

Some people think that somehow Charles was a big help. They are right if they mean emotionally. Charles finally provided me with a rock. He gave me a stable, supportive, and encouraging environment. When I met Charles he had as much money as I did. $0. He filed bankruptcy around that time and we were lucky if we had $2 to buy cheeseburgers at McDonalds. He went through trade school and I finished high school. Finally, in 2005 we got a break when I started college and he got a job at the railroad. So we had stable income but we weren't rich. We couldn't pay for college in any  way other than students loans (that we still magically pay for today). And just like your normal, average, American family we have credit card debt, rent, utilities, insurance, childcare expenses, car payments, cell phone, cable bills, etc.

This is only a summary. Telling you about my life in a few paragraphs couldn't possibly explain all the ups and downs. I don't feel like I have to explain this. I know few people read my blog and this is just my way of venting. but we're not magical. When intelligent people take a good, hard look at themselves they can figure out why their lives are off track. And when it comes down to it, it doesn't make sense to blame people for their blessings rather than looking at the holes in your own. I know I am loved and hurtful words are never a reflection on the person they are being said to. We all have different experiences and it's studpid to play the game of My Life Sucks More.

We are not magical. We are hard working. We are not perfect. We are flawed.

It's Official