Grad School

I would like to preface the below survival guide by saying there are many professors who are great teachers and leaders. I have had only had a few between college and grad school but they are the reasons I hold hope. Unfortunately, my experience has just mostly consisted of snobby professors who spend more time pushing students down than helping them up.

In the end, I have realized that school is just like the rest of life, where you must adapt your behavior to fit the agenda of someone else in order to achieve what you want. To be blunt, you literally have to bullshit your way through. And don't spend your time feeling so much shame about it because everyone else is doing the same thing.

If you are strong enough to fight it, then by all means do. I stop every now and then to get a good jab in, but it is no easy task.

I feel fortunate to have a group of grad friends to help me survive. If not, I would have quit out of fear of going insane.

This is what I have learned:

How to Survive Online Grad School

1.       Do NOT turn things in early. You will probably get a better grade if the professor grades it at the last second.

2.       Do NOT expect your professors to have more common sense than you. Most of them don’t. Most of them are ass-hats.

3.       Do NOT actually take the time to read required material. You are better off blindly responding and it takes less time for the same or maybe a better grade.

4.       Take a lot of medication, or drink a lot of wine, or both. Unless you get pregnant, at which time you should just freak your professors out by using words such as “titties” in relation to breastfeeding so that they will avoid any extra interaction with you.

5.       Make fun of undergrads. It’s easy to do and helps with coping.

6.       Distract other classmates with your cat, dog, or adorable baby so that you’re not the only one who’s not listening. As an extra bonus, it will sometimes irk the professor.

7.       Find a great group of friends who will do all of this with you and chat on Facebook behind everyone’s back. 

17 Weeks

I had a dream last night that  I was pregnant with Twins, boy and girl. I also dreamed Trump tried to ram his helicopter into my hospital building. He was probably trying to stop me from giving birth to more liberals.

I have the sonogram in 3 weeks to find out the gender. I don't really think it's twins anymore but I do think it's been a weird pregnancy. I've had a boy and girl so I expected it to be something like theirs but it's been so different. I was sick the entire 1st trimester. I never lost much weight but still haven't gained any. I feel better but don't have the biggest desire to eat.

The kids are excited to have a baby in the house but once he or she is here they will understand it's a lot more work and not just fun. I hope they really bond well with the baby and I hope it helps them bond with each other as well.

I'm having a gender party, which I agree is kind of lame but all the same still kind of fun for me. I don't put a whole lot of thought or care into the whole gender thing but knowing what you have ahead of time is important to me and with this pregnancy I wanted to do some things I didn't do in my others when I was young. I'm thankful for Aryn who has turned out to be an awesome friend and who is so willing to help me out with this kind of stuff!

Thankful for Aches and Pains

Right now I feel like I am in a place of subtle but constant pain.

That baby fever I had a couple years ago got me into trouble. I'm 9 weeks pregnant. Can you imagine? A third child? Briana and Hudson are thrilled. I think they will be a big help. But up until today, I have felt mildly and constantly sick. Part of the reason I decided to have another is because I remember how pleasant my pregnancies were. I rarely had nausea. But this time around is different. So far I've been very tired, short of breath and annoyingly, mildly but constantly ill. For some reason, it has eased up today and I'm hoping it's a sign that I'm done with all that. I want to enjoy it since it's definitely my last time. I'm wondering if there's more than one baby in there...

That's not the only reason for my aches and pain. I'm still in grad school. Nearly a year in and a year left to go. I'm writing or thinking about writing papers constantly. I'm reading or at least reading enough to bs my way through class. I wanted to go back to school because I wanted to stay sharp and enjoy the learning process...but now I just think I'm crazy. How in the world did I think I could work, raise 2 kids, be pregnant and go to grad school? Do I think I'm some kind of Super Woman?

And mom is sick. She won't really admit how sick she is. When you talk about it- she changes the subject, but her lungs are tired. She finally started being on oxygen and I hope that really helps. But she's had a terrible time smoking. It's really taken not being able to walk 10 ft before she even could realize she probably had to stop. No way am I going to get to have her around as long as grandma. She's done too much damage to her body. Every day I wonder if something has happened to her and I just won't find out soon enough because she lives alone and can't work her phone properly. She finally has cleaning help and a nurse so I'm grateful for that.

Everyday steps just feel hard. Am I being an affectionate mom? A caring wife? Am I going to make it through school? Am I being a good enough teacher? A helpful friend? An attentive daughter?

And with the new baby, I'm wondering how we're financially going to get through. We need a bigger house. We need to stop eating out so much. We need to pay off our debt. Am I ever going to get a full-time teaching job to help out?!!

But I am thankful. This feels like the hardest time in my life and I am thankful. I'm thankful that Thanksgiving is Thursday and I get to see my family and cook for them. I'm thankful we get to expect another child and how excited my children are. I'm thankful I have a teaching job where I get to help kids and learn how to be a better person. I'm thankful my husband loves me so much and works hard for us every day. I'm thankful I have a good relationship with my mom and for the kindness she's always showed me. I'm thankful I get to be here and have all these feelings and have all my family and friends. I'm thankful I get to fight with my daughter and patch up my son's bloody knees.

Because like that really annoying country song says, I'm gonna miss this. I'm gonna want this back.

So Here's an Update

Here I am! Where have I been? I don't know. I'm too tired to remember. I'm 29 now, not really trying to think about how dangerously close to 30 that is. I'm working as a Para at a middle school in my hometown district. It's the lowest paying job I've ever had. It's also the most rewarding. I completed alternate certification to teach in Missouri, but so far no luck in being hired. I'm a terrible interview. No. Seriously. I mean why am I being measured on my ability to come up with fantastic interview answers when really I just need to be able to teach content and build meaningful relationships with my students? 

Oh well. So now I'm trying to get through grad school. Hooooray for more student loans! I'm 2 classes in. I'm doing well but it's hard and scary. I guess that's good for me. It's making me think all these deep thoughts and stuff. And I have to talk. To people. A lot. 

There's some pretty cool people in my classes who've made me feel safe. So I'm trying to be brave and get over my whole awkward, quiet, mysterious way of being. Life is better out in the open. Maybe. I'll try it out anyway. 

Kids are goooood. Husband is goooood. My whole deal in life right now is just exploring my brain and living in the now. I've got to stop being sad over the past. I also need to stop trying to hurl myself into the future. I mean holy cow Ashley, slow the f*** down already! 

I want to trust in the universe and trust in my thoughts. I want to trust the path that life is taking me (I've been reading way too much Emerson). I want to enjoy the now. I want to really be with the people I love and enjoy the company of new people. I can't stop being afraid, but I can face my fears and do it anyway. I want to be creative again. Creativity is God working through us. 

Enough of that. Later! 

On Commitment

Some people believe that we live many lives, and each life serves as the foundation for new lessons we need to learn to carry with us in our souls. Maybe it's so that we can be our best self when we finally go to heaven.

I think if this is true, I must have lived many, many lives. I've heard people who have lived many lives have a terrible time deciding what career to take on, or making other hard decisions. Because, well, there's so many things it seems we can do. There's too much to pick from. Too much to be passionate about. Too much we could be good at. And so we stall. And think. And think too much.

Not only can I not pick a career, I can't pick a book to read. I can't pick a story to write. I can't pick a sentence to say. I can't pick a person to know. Because there are too many. There is too much good that can be done. There are too many options. There are too many words to read and write. There are too many people to meet. There is no way to know which choice is better. And each choice is an investment of yourself. And we can't pick them all. And we can't do them all. We have to pick. We have to choose.

And that. Is. Daunting. 

And I suppose, in this life, that's the lesson I have to learn. I suppose I have to choose. I have to accept that one is good enough. And one will lead to many. Not all, but many. Because if I don't choose then I am left with none. I am left with wasted creativity, wasted thought, wasted effort. I am wasting away the good that could be done out of my very own mind.

So I think we have to choose a path and not think about is as if it might be the "right" or "wrong" choice. We have to look at it as a commitment. Say, "I will commit to this decision, and in committing I am sure it will lead me where I need to go." It might be a smooth or bumpy ride, but either way it doesn't mean you made the right or wrong decision. Anytime you commit to something you win. You learn. You persevere. And you take the knowledge you learned on that path and you apply it to your next journey; your next commitment.

So I will pick a career to have. I will choose a book to read. I will decide on a story to write. I will choose a person to know. I will pick the words to say. And I will commit to them and appreciate where they take me. Because that is better than standing still and watching the world spin by.

Wait for me Grandma

Wait for me grandma,
though I won’t be too soon,
I’m on my way to heaven
to read books and drink milk with you.

A few months it’s been,
But it seems like a longer while,
I’m ready to feel your hug and
see that warm grandma smile.

“I love you,” one more time
I wish I could hear you say,
A card game, one more time
I wish we could play.

So wait for me grandma,
though I won’t be too soon,
I’m on my way to heaven
To read books and drink milk with you.

Happy Birthday, Grandma.

by: Ashley Rainsbarger
May 28th, 2015

Grandma

Grandma passed away on Oct. 20th 2014. I miss her everyday. I still don't think I quite understand that she's gone. It's hardest when I look at pictures, the ones we took with the kids before she died. I feel like she's still right there. I feel like I can reach into the photo and touch her.
But I can't.

I saw her about 2 days before she went into a "sleep." She was complaining a little about the swelling in her arms, but pretty good spirited. I felt like she could still be with us a good, long while. We discussed plans with hospice. I made her laugh. I kissed her and hugged her goodbye. But when she came home she wasn't awake. The nurse said they gave her medication for her anxiety. She was very anxious about dying. I had hoped she would be more at peace with it, like you see in the movies, and read about in books - but she was scared. The nurse said she would probably wake up once the medication wore off. She didn't.

For about a week it was like she was just sleeping, and you couldn't wake her. The nurse said her body was tired, and she probably wouldn't wake up like they thought. I was devastated. I didn't know that day in the hospital was my last day. I would have said more. I came everyday. I held her hand.  I told her that I was going to make sure everything was okay. I told her it was okay to go.

That Monday, I decided I shouldn't go to work. I wanted to go see her. I still felt like she could be here for a long time. I'm so glad I didn't work that day.

I spent the morning looking through and organizing photos. I knew when she passed there were irreplaceable things that needed to get out of the house, because the house would go into probate and we didn't know what was going to happen to it. My cousin came to visit. I was standing at the bottom of her bed. My cousin was holding her hand. A nurse came in to do some daily care. She said she was showing signs of passing soon. Maybe 2 or 3 days left .I was terrified it was going to be violent. My husband described how it was with his father, and I just didn't know what to expect.

While the nurse was listening to her chest, grandma took a very deep breath, and then she stopped breathing. I held my breath. About 8 seconds later she breathed again and for a second I felt relief. But then she took another 10 seconds before she breathed again. The nurse said, "I think she is passing." I looked at her with astonishment. I wasn't ready. My mom wasn't in the room. I yelled for her, and then I ran to get her. I came back. The nurse shook her head. She was gone.

My mom took it so hard in that moment that I only allowed myself to be sad for a few minutes. Then I didn't feel anything. I had to be strong for my mother, even though grandma was my mother too.


I still feel like I felt that day, after the sadness. I didn't even really cry at the funeral. I just looked into space, and tried not to think of how weird she looked in the coffin. Tried to remember that wasn't her anymore. She wasn't here. She was somewhere better.

I ask her to visit me in my dreams. Sometimes she does. In the last dream I couldn't open my eyes wide enough to really see her face, but I felt her squeezing my hand. I knew it was her because I was able to run my finger over her long nails down to the curved tip. Hudson was sleeping next to me that afternoon for a nap, and I asked her to visit him too.

She was my guardian angel on earth, and now she is my guardian angel in heaven.

Work and Blogs and Babies, Oh My!

Right now I'm working as an admin assistant for a small company and I really like it. It 's not as challenging as I need it to be right now but they are growing fast and I'm sure if I stick it out my position will grow as well. I'm kind of excited because I feel like it's an opportunity to really grow with them and it could mean big things. I originally took it because there were no teaching positions available but now, who knows where I'll end up. That always tends to be the case with me. I'm either really brave for switching scenes constantly, or insane. Maybe both.

Having a job is helping us financially a lot and next year we will even have extra money so we can get back to normal. A year is not very long in the big picture, but it's already been a year since we've been here, and living in a tiny white duplex sucks. I'm trying to stay patient.

The kids are good and healthy but fighting like evil little minions. Sometimes it's very stressful because I don't know how to make it better. I want them love each other and be kind to each other but most of the time that is not the case. Briana is very short with Hudson and doesn't even give him the chance to be annoying before she's annoyed. Hudson is an instigator and enjoys her anger. He makes noises, stares at her, takes her seats, so on and so on. Sometimes it's all I can take. If you have any advice at all I'd love to hear it. At the very least, tell me it will pass.

Grandma is gone now and I miss her. The week she died was a blurry dream. I didn't feel much emotion but I knew I wouldn't get off that easy. I think I thought that she was still here, that I could still call her. But I can't call her. And being the single most responsible person on this side of the fence- I'm dealing with cleaning out her house and having to sell it (and everything that goes with that). I have help and I feel a lot closer to some people in my family than I did before all of this but it's really a lonely feeling when you are so depended on. I'm also upset about losing that house. It is the only home I've known. That house was always there for me, like nothing else. I would love to keep it and fix it but there's no way.

I've always wanted to start a real mommy blog-like with real readers haha. I've given a couple of gos at it but this time I actually bought a domain name. So head over here to look at it if you feel like it and tell me what you think. www.momboss.net . I want to stick with it and grow it.

I still want a baby. Again, I'm either brave or crazy. I said I was done. Something just changed. I don't know. I guess I'll just think about it for awhile. How do you decide?

That's what's going on with me.

A Lazy, Frozen Saturday

I knew this past Saturday was going to be pretty boring for the kiddos if I didn't think of something to do. Charles had been working the night shift so he was sleeping and it was supposed to snow-I didn't want to be driving around in that. I decided we could do an activity and watch Frozen for the millionth time.

I thought it would be cute if they could build Olaf. First I drew pieces the kids could cut out to make an Olaf (2 white circles for the body, another weird shape with a drawn on face for the head, 2 little white feet, and an orange nose). Then I cut out the buttons, arms, and hair from black felt so they could glue those on. We used a peice of blue felt as the background to glue the pieces together. Then I gave them white fabric paint to dab on snow flakes-but they went a little nuts with that part. Afterwards we watched the movie, made hot chocolate with marshmallows, and ate popcorn.

After the movie they played the Just Dance Wii game. Then Briana was invited to a sleepover and the rest of the evening with Hudson was cake.

I really enjoy times like this because it's not the same as taking them to do something fun. You're actually forced to sit down and have moments with them, laugh with them, and make quality memories.  

It was a fun time. Check out their cute little Olafs.

Baby Fever

I have baby fever. Like the worst I have had it since Hudson. And not just the day kind this time. This is like the not-going-away kind. What is wrong with me? I have 2 children; one is school aged and the other is almost school aged. I'm so close to not paying day-care anymore. Plus, if I have three then I have to have four because it's still my dream to adopt. Part of me even feels guilty for birthing any at all because of all the ones that need homes. I always told Charles we shouldn't let the children out number us! Having a child now is, like, crazy.

I don't know. I miss being pregnant. I miss holding that tiny baby. I miss all the funny things they do in the first few years. The kids are old enough to be helpers and both really want another sibling. They don't really understand the nature of a baby, of course. I also really, really like the idea of having multiple adult children. The whole raising thing is hard, but when they are old enough to have their own lives- the idea of the kids and their new families coming over for visits and holiday dinners is AWESOME to me. If I was wealthy enough to hire help I wouldn't stop at three or four. It would probably be more like 5-6. The more the merrier. Thinking about never being pregnant again makes me feel sad. I don't know if I really appreciated that when I was pregnant with Hudson.

Believe me. I also remember the not-fun (to put it nicely) parts about being pregnant and then having a baby. No sleep. Feeding. No sleep. Crying. The baby crying. No sleep. Spreading yourself thin. Getting fatter. Paying day care. Cost of diapers and formula. No sleep. The worry. Not enough help. Less time with your spouse. Did I say no sleep?

Things are back on the right track and we're only 1-2 years away from owning a home again-for the final time. After all, we always tend to do things all at once. Why quit now?

A Letter to Briana and Hudson on Dreams

Dear Briana and Hudson,

I hope your dreams are big. I hope your imagination is huge. I hope you have enough will power and strong mindedness to push through life with vigor. I want you to do whatever you want to do. I want you to be whoever you want to be. But don't think for a second that it will be easy. Don't think for a second it won't be hard.

Know for every yes you'll have a hundred nos. Go into life knowing that it's going to challenge you and test your limits. It's not a matter of if bad things will happen but a matter of when. But you can be better than the rest. You can do better than the rest. You can ask life, is that all you got? You can be prepared. If someone tells you no, keep going until you get a yes. If you took three steps forward only to be pushed ten steps back then strive for twenty more. When you fall down, get back up; every, single, time. If someone tells you that you're not good enough don't bother to tell them they're wrong; show them. If they can't see all the wonderful things about you then they're not worth knowing. Sometimes your own mind will say you're not good enough. Don't listen to that either.

No matter what you strive for in life, the only thing that matters is love. My dream was to have you. I will always love you. I will always believe in you. On earth, or in heaven, I will always be with you.

Love,

Mom.

An Open Letter to Jodi Meltzer, Author of the Article, “Moms Have No Excuse for Dressing Like Slobs at School Dropoff."

Dear Jodi,

Reading this article made me furious. Then I upgraded my feelings to being sad instead. I felt like you had betrayed me, betrayed all moms, and betrayed all women. Congratulations on slapping girl-power in the face.

To address the title of this article, yes I do have an excuse; I’m a mom! I don’t feel like I should have to explain that. I feel like since you’re a mom too, Jodi, you should understand. Unless you have maybe only one child, and he or she  is weirdly well behaved, and self-sufficient every hour of the day, I don’t have to tell you that I’m tired every morning, and I would rather spend what precious little extra time I have talking to my kid about their school musical than I would putting on mascara. I don’t have to tell you that my yoga pants, and baggy sweater are way more comfortable than leggings and a nice top. I don’t have to tell you that if my morning breath, and sad choice of clothing is more of a concern to my kid’s teacher than how well she is performing in school (due to my constant practice with her at home) then her teacher is less than qualified-to put it nicely. I don't have to tell you that I don't get a ton of sleep as it is. No way am I going to wake up earlier and improve my appearance just to appease other people. I also shouldn’t have to tell you that teaching our kids, especially our little girls, that our appearance is part of our self worth is setting them up for failure. And by the way, in what altered universe does the majority population of kids go to school looking “immaculate” and “fashion-forward”? I'm glad my kids don't go there. 

Let's forget the mom part all together. Let's say that I'm a single twenty-something, child free, woman buying groceries at the store. Or, maybe I'm a sixty-something grandmother buying her grandchildren ice-cream on the corner. Am I expected to dress a certain way in these situations? Are you going to be offended because on this particular day I chose to wear sweat pants and not comb my hair all the way through, or because I have tattoos and piercings? I think you would be. For the most part I don’t go to school with bad breath and crusty eyes. I might go in pajamas about half the time. The point is that it’s my prerogative.  The point is that this is a bigger issue that doesn't just affect mothers. The point is that I don't need an excuse to dress in any way I choose to. I am proud of the mother I am, and I have taught my children be proud of themselves, but the pride I teach them to feel is based off of their hard work and ability to treat other people with respect and kindness. It has nothing to do with the clothes on their back.

If your prerogative is to look a certain way everyday then go ahead, I'm happy for you, but don’t write a judgmental article giving moms another reason to feel bad about themselves. The only problem in these situations, Jodi, is judgmental glances and whispers from uptight women like you. My kids know that I value them, that I value myself, and that my self-worth is no higher or lower when I choose wear Hello Kitty pajamas to school. And when I get those judgment glances from mothers like you while dropping my kids off at school I smile at them bigger and feel thankful for my ability to be a great mother, and the maturity to see the bigger picture. 

Sincerely, 
Ashley Rainsbarger



To read Jodi's article click here.

I'm 28. No, wait. I'm 27.

At what age do you forget how old you are? The answer for me is 27. A few days ago Charles and I were walking at the Y and for some reason my age came up.

"I'm 28." I said. "No, 27. No, 28. Wait. How old am I?"

And then I had to do the math to figure out that I'm 27. I think I've been so caught up in realizing that I'm on the downhill slide to 30 that I can't remember how old I really am.

By the way, my true self knows that there is nothing wrong with aging. But my ego self is like, "Damn. I'm almost 30."

My Babies Aren't Babies

This is how they are going to stay in my head forever. Just sayin'.

We Miss You Grandma

Grandma passed away a week ago today. Last week was a blur but I am relieved to know she is at peace. The kids are doing really great with it. I think they are not quite old enough to really be sad about it and that's fine with me. We should celebrate her life and not mourn her death.

You were our guardian angel on earth, and now in heaven. We love you so much, grandma!

This is the slideshow I made for her funeral:

Grandma's Movie

The Post I Promised About Branson

There really isn't much to say about it except, it was FUN!

The getting there part wasn't fun. If any family in the world would have a flat tire on their way to vacation, it's our family. We had a flat tire 40 minutes out and had to detour to Sam's Club where we waited over two hours for our car to get worked on. But the rest of it was good!

On our way! Before the flat tire.

Going to Ride the Ducks!

Too sleepy to make through the whole duck ride.

We went to the beach!

We went to the wax museum...

...where I laid in bed with Hef.

They didn't like this part of the museum.

We ate at Lamberts!

We saw the dancing waters!

We had a great time :)