My Kiddos

I would just like to take a minute to say that I have amazing kiddos. Briana Marie is going to grow up to be beautiful, smart, and creative. Hudson Lee is going to grow up strong, funny, and adventurous. And pretty soon, I'm going to be the shortest person in our family. There's nothing in this world they could ever do to make me unlove them. If you love someone conditionally, then you don't love them at all. I wish every parent could think about that.
There are times when I feel like I'm not enough or that I don't do enough. But then I look at my babies and I realize that if nothing else, I was put here to give them life and guide them through it. Terrible things happen all over the world every day but nothing affects me more then when I hear a story about a child victim. I've been following the Casey Anthony case since it began and I can't STAND Nancy Grace but truth be told-she's one of the few child advocates in the media. I can not begin to understand the mountain of emotion that comes when one loses a child or even how you could possibly recover from it. I think it's the worst thing you can go through...ever.
I do know that I'm so happy to be their mother and I thank God for them.
"One day you're gonna miss this.
You're gonna want this back.
You're gonna wish these times
hadn't gone by so fast.
These are some good times,
So take a good look around.
You may not know it now,
But you're gonna miss this."
I wish I could attach their pictures here but my work won't let me. I'll edit it later at home.

Under writing

Today I met with someone in the Construction Underwriting department. It's a part of my attempt to explore as many career paths as possible. I do know one thing: I do NOT want to be a claims adjuster. My job is to pick up all the claim adjuster's slack so I get a front row seat to their work lives. There's a man here who comes in before me and leaves after me. He can't sleep well, his desk is a mess, and his phone is always ringing. His life is his work. It's a very scary thing that I don't want to be. Not everyone is like him but it's more of a stressful job that I don't really want to be involved in.

Underwriting is more laid back, more flexible, and you're not denying anyone money. You have to deny them business sometimes but they have other options. I have already made this clear to my boss but he knows I'm a good worker and I'm afraid he doesn't want to let me go as soon as I'd like to go. I'm only required to stay in one position for a year but I always hear him say, "After two years you might be starting to get ready for a move." 

I find my self wanting to leave to find other work at times but my company is a good company and they've taught me that not all insurance companies are evil. They were a big help to our insureds in Joplin and to others by donations. When you work for a large company it's difficult to understand the direct impact your role has on others but people come to insurance companies when they have a need. Sometimes it's a small need-getting a car repaired. Sometimes it's a big need-rebuilding a home after tornado destruction. But they need us and they trust us to be there for them during that time. I'm glad I can be a part of that.

The Mad Lady on the Elevator

I'm attempting to make up for all the days I haven't blogged so you might notice more blogs than usual in the next few weeks.

I work on the 3rd floor of a 4 floor building. Yesterday I pushed the elevator button to go up a floor to the mail room. I'd like to add here that whenever I push the elevator button, especially to go up only a floor, I feel guilty for not taking the stairs. I'm torn between making good habits and doing things as quickly as possible. I like to push the elevator button just as I walk by incase there is an available elevator already waiting on my floor and if there is not I will take the stairs. I'm silly. Anyhow, this particular day I was feeling tired and waited for the elevator. I wish I hadn't. It happened to be the bad elevator that shakes a little and takes 5 tries to close the door. Not only that, on the elevator, looking at me in the face when the door opened, was a very unhappy 20-something lady. She must not have been a co-worker because she didn't look to be dressed as such with her black hooker boots (I'm not being mean that's just the only thing I ever know to call them and I actually think they're cute) and tight jeans. Also, I expect a co-worker around this place would have been friendlier. I imagine she was someone who had a claim and was here to see a claim adjuster.

So I get on the elevator and smile. She does not smile and hits the close button of the elevator impatiently. The door closes half way. Then the door opens. The door closes half way again and opens again. I'm still blissfully unaware at how impatient and angry this lady is. She begins pushing the button over and over again in attempt to make the door close. By this time I understand she is in a hurry and sense that she is not only angry with the elevator but angry that I made the elevator stop on the 3rd floor only to go up to the 4th. So I say, "It will probably do that about 5 times before it closes." The lady lets out a big HUFF and walks off the elevator to the stairs. The door closes and I make it to the 4th floor alone.

I didn't quite know how to react to that kind of thing but I figure the poor lady might have just had her car smashed into or maybe her house caught on fire or any old thing and so I'm not mad. Some days I'm probably going to be the mad lady on the elevator. And that's my story. But from now on...I'm taking the stairs.

Evolving Self

Remember when you were little and the big people of the world looked down at you and said, "What do you want to be when you grow up?” And then you would answer without any doubt exactly what you were going to do. For me it was a marine biologist. I loved to swim and I loved animals and I wanted to be far away from home. As I got older I figured it would be more practical to go to school in town. MWSU, of course, doesn't have a program for Marine Biologists...so out went that dream. Isn't it always like that? We make decisions because of what's practical, or affordable, or reasonable and they're not always decisions that we make with passion. Well if you ask me today what I want to be when I grow up I will tell you, "I don't have a damn clue."

What I do know is that I'm working in a place now that I don't love. I don't hate it either. It's a great grown up job. I set my own hours, I have 4 weeks of vacation a year, and everyone is really nice. There's possibility for advancement, my boss is super nice and the work isn't too hard. Some grown-ups pray for my kind of job. I guess I'm not a grown up.

I have a lot of passion in the middle of my soul to do something that fills me up everyday. I love my kiddos but any parent will tell you it's not enough. I have a huge sense of self duty. I want to help people. I want to do something important for the community. I want to LOVE what I do and do what I LOVE. It's a curse some days. Sometimes I get enough motivation to actually start something, like my non-profit, The Hope Chest, but my ideas fail because I don't have enough support...whether financially or physically. I keep coming to the realization that my motivation and will aren't enough in this world. You have to have money and time and you have to somehow create them yourself despite the obstacles. I love my children but they create a barrier in life. I am limited to what I do because of them, at least for a certain amount of time. But I can’t keep using them as an excuse when there are so many women out there doing it all. I just don’t want to sacrifice my time with my kids. It doesn’t seem worth it.

My current thinking evolves around getting my own business started. I have a GREAT business idea. I know everyone says that but my idea is something that the community needs and does not have. It's something that has no current competition. I think there is a great potential for growth and I think parents will be immediately drawn to it. I am not getting too excited; I'm merely exploring the idea by attending a New Business seminar in Saint Joseph next month. I will let you know how that goes.

Until that update just remember that your biggest obstacle in life is 100% ALWAYS yourself. If you hear a voice in your head say, "I can't do this," (I don’t know about you, but I hear it A LOT) slap yourself and say out loud..."No. Maybe I CAN do this."

Father's Day

This is a late father’s day blog… but what they hey, you’re used to waiting for me. If you know me you know that I can not say happy Father’s day to my own father. Quite honestly he’s taught me what a man not ought to be. I do, however, love him and miss the good parts of him but every Fathers Day since we stopped communicating I hold my head a little lower and wish I could have been a real daddy’s girl. But…if anything… I think he did a little better job at raising my sister and I then his parents did and I’m going to do a lot better then they did.

On a happy note there is a man in my life who is a responsible, loving, fun-having dad. His name is Charles and he’s wonderful.  Briana will always be daddy’s little girl and Hudson will always have a strong male figure to look up to. He teaches them by example to be tough and wise, how to respect yourself , and how to respect women. If my kids turn out to be anything like their dad they will be clean, on time, baseball playing, hard working machines. Of course they will also be smart, creative, and patient like their mother. J

Parenting is the hardest job in the world. I can’t imagine doing it without him.

 

 

That I Would Be Good- My Blog Makeover

If you still read my blog you must have noticed that it's blue now and I changed the name. I treat my blog like I treat my life. I have to change it up a bit. I kind of let myself down and gave up on blogging about my weight and nutrition and so on. But that's not to say that I haven't made any changes and that I'm not going to throw it updates here and there. I'm just not good at being exclusive in my writing. Also I think if I had to choose my biggest "flaw" it would be my self confidence. That's why I chose the name, "That I Would Be Good." It's a song by Alanis Morissette that I just discoverd recently. If you haven't heard it go look it up right now. The lyrics don't do any justice on their own. I think a lot of girls feel this way sometimes.

that i would be good even if i did nothing
that i would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that i would be good if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good even if i gained ten pounds

that i would be fine even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if i was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing

that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i'm overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy

that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good whether with or without you

The message here is that I'm good no matter what. But it only matters if you believe it yourself. So that's the new theme of my blog. That's my new purpose for writing.

Still Learning to be a Mom

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I forgot to remember that four year olds are nearly the most unpredictable creatures on this planet.


Sunday was the day of Briana’s dance recital. I was ready. All of Charles’s family came, the DVD and pictures were ordered, the tickets were bought, the video camera was ready. She did so well at the dress rehearsal on Friday that I didn’t even think twice about how she would act once we got there. You can see where I’m going with this. Dramatic and sad story short, Briana did not go on stage.

 I am ashamed to say that I tried everything. For 20 minutes I bribed her with candy, toys, swimming, and going places I had no intention of taking her…because I knew I would reward her in some way once she was done. Then I threatened her with naps and time out and no swimming lessons. I literally had no idea what to do. I was so desperate to get her on stage, not only for my sake but for the sake of her teachers and everyone who worked so hard to put on this show. Still hoping there was a chance (but knowing it wouldn’t happen) I walked with her all the way to backstage, where moms normally aren’t allowed. I had to quiet Briana down several times because every time I asked her to go she would just squeeze me tighter and cry. The audience heard everything. Teachers delayed putting on her section of the show for three or so minutes hoping we could convince her to go or join even in the middle of the performance. Finally I just broke down and left. And by broke down, I mean me and Briana both ran to the girls bathroom, where we cried and cried.


It was actually pretty humiliating to leave the back stage that way, in front of all the other girls. Also, I’m not one of those moms that make a huge deal out of nothing.  And I’m not a mom who puts pressure on her kids to do something they don’t want to do. I felt ashamed for the way I had tried to get her on stage and I felt like I handled it all wrong...while at the same time having no idea how else to handle it. I was so excited to see her and so proud that it turned into a huge disappointment. And even though I felt angry and I wanted to be angry at her I knew it wasn’t her fault because she doesn’t understand what it means when other people are disappointed. I didn’t know how to handle the situation and I didn’t know what to say to her. I also didn’t know if it was appropriate for me to cry with her but I just couldn’t hold it in. 


Briana and I walked to the front of the building to wait for the rest of the family to meet us. Knowing that I still didn’t know the right thing to say to her I mostly just kept quiet and told her that “It’s not your fault but mommy is sad that you didn’t dance.”…to which Briana replied... “I’m sorry, mommy.” If you know me, you know I’m not a drama queen and I prefer to stay away from people who are. I can’t explain what came over me, other then a feeling of failure. But I’m not a failure; I’m just growing up along-side my kids. I’m so proud of her for dancing all year and on the bright side she did a great job at dress rehearsal. The whole thing was just an overly emotional dramatic experience that had nothing to do with my pretty little girl and everything to do with my learning experience as a mom.


The only advice I have for other young mothers is that you should EXPECT to fail sometimes…even in your most important jobs. Also, just go with the flow. I could have planned a little better and maybe it wouldn’t have happened but  I should have just said, “If you don’t want to go on stage…then you don’t have to go on stage. We’ll do better next time.”  I love my little stinker.