Pieces of Ashley

I’m not sure what to write about today but I’m in a good mood and feeling healthy and happy and just want to write anything down so as to not neglect my blog. So today I wrote this while neglecting my work instead.
Here’s a little about me:

What makes me Happy: Having a conversation with my husband when he’s a little buzzed. He’s a very social drunk.

What makes me Sad: Eating the last peanut M&M and reaching for the bag only to realize there are no more left; looking at my bank account.

What makes me depressed: Looking at my bank account after bills.

What makes me Uneasy: A funny gynecologist

What makes me Scared: The thought of Donald Trump as president

What makes me Annoyed: Republicans

What makes me Grossed Out: My husband’s feet

What makes me feel Funny: Hearing my boss call me Buddy. He really does

What makes me Confused: Watching my 3 year old pick out her toe jam

What makes me Mad: A funny Lawyer…and Republicans

What I miss: Green Tea after noon with Katy; Chester the squirrel; and making fun of the crotch grabbing, breakfast food spilling, popcorn eating, can’t look you in the eye, star wars man.

A fond Memory: Sitting next to Aryn in college and telling her everything Karyn told me. The Reward: Karyn ignoring me for the rest of college.

What I don’t miss:  Emails with Molly or Jenny; Reference Material.

A funny Memory: Being told I would be banned from my previous place of employment; eating Chinese food with Mike. 

Something I do everyday: Email my wonderful friend Alisha.

Something I wish I could do everyday: Get drunk with Alisha

What makes me Pissed Off (which is way worse than mad): The D-bag driver in front of me on I435 yesterday who STOPPED on the On Ramp just to LOOK if anyone was coming. No one was.

What makes me Inspired: Watching my fearless 1 year old fall of the couch and then laugh. Of course, I felt TERRIFIED first.
 
Something I look forward to: Retirement. Sad, I know.

Something I wish I could do more: eat cheese; write; sleep; spend time with my kids; think.

Something that makes me laugh: Watching my husband tickle his arms in his sleep; thinking about me and Katy drinking wine; hearing my three year old say, “When I grow up, I want to be a cooker.”

Something I think about everyday: Ways to make more money, faster; eating cheese.

A Short and Sorry Update

I'm back! Okay so this blogging thing only about my weight loss is not working. All I can think about is losing weight so I can blog about it for anyone who's reading and it's having the opposite affect on me then you would think. I've been ignoring you for how many days now and didn't even post about my weight on last Monday because I haven't been trying. I don't know what it is about me or my brain but this is too much pressure.

This doesn't mean that I'm not going to blog. I love to blog because it's therapeutic. This doesn't mean that I’m not going to keep trying or that I’ve given up. I'm not giving up and I'm still going to keep you updated. This week I just bought a ton of veggies and fruit and almonds and I plan on munching them all week.

I want my blog to be a little broader. I want it to be more like a diary but still focused. I’ll have to think on it. My weight is only 1% of who I am and I’m tired of talking about it and thinking about it and then blogging about it. There’s many aspects of my life I want to improve. As I read this, it totally sounds like a cop out. But like I said, I’m still going to keep you updated and I’m still learning and trying. And besides, you have to admit it’s a little boring just to read about my weight, right? More to come. 

P.S. Abby-I loved your blog about food and how God gives us clues. Sometimes I wish you could mentor me on health.

Katy- I miss you and love your blog and it inspires me to read more and be more active in life!
Sorry for putting those comments here but sometimes my blog won’t let me comment! It’s weird.

In the Dark, Shines a Tiny Victory

So as you know I didn't do very well at keeping up with my exercise routine last week...and this week isn't much better. But I have been more aware of what I'm eating and drinking and I've been making better choices about my diet, what it consists of, and how much I'm eating. It's getting easier...really. And while exercise is important and I have no one to blame but myself for not doing it as much as I should ...diet is key.

Yesterday, in the morning...I saw the number 192 on my scale! I still weigh more in the evening. It must be a gravity pulling all day on your body thing. But I haven't seen 192 in awhile so my body must be changing slightly. Better yet, this morning while trying to decide what to wear on Jeans Day at work...I decided to try on an old pair that fit me before I got pregnant with Hudson. I remember thinking back about trying them on last time after I THOUGHT I had lost all my baby weight and being so upset when I couldn't get them over my hips...let alone trying to button them. This morning I just wished so much that I could wear a cute pair of old jeans again... so I tried them on again even though I knew they wouldn't fit because I didn't feel like my body was any different than it was then.

They fit. Not only did they fit...they fit well. I didn't even have to squeeze or grunt or suck in. I feel great today. I feel so good. Yay me.

Happy Failure

Consider this week a failed week. There I said it. It was hard to say. I almost didn't blog at all. I almost decided to ignore my blog for the rest of time all because I failed. I have not gained the weight back but I have not lost additional weight either. In my defense I've been sick since Wednesday, but in my prosecution...I have not exercised once...not one stupid time. I plain gave up.

I read somewhere today about the "I can't" complex. People say; I can't eat healthy, I can't lose weight, I can't run a mile, I can't go without pop, I can't stop eating fast food, and so on.  This applies to many areas of our lives. But this complex is dumb.

I can't predict lottery numbers. I can't grow wings and fly. I can't make money grow on the trees in my back yard. I can't make people read my blog. I can't convince my husband to lay off pork rinds. These are all things that better belong in the "I can't" category.

"I can't lose weight," is not a true statement because I can lose weight. All of us can. I want to say that a better statement might be "I don't want to lose weight." But that's not true either. I do want to lose weight. Maybe the statement is simply that... It's hard to lose weight and I'm having a hard time. It's hard to sacrifice.
After my last post, about God and my body, I talked it over with a previous professor of mine. He said some curious things to me.

"How many religions consider gluttony a sin? Why in religion is the hard path always the one we're supposed to take? Why is fasting more sacred than feasting? If the body is a temple, who designed it with such soft walls? What marketing forces in our culture "prey" (couldn't resist the pun) on body images, pro or con?"


"For me it isn't about "accepting ourselves." It is about realizing that most of us were given strong healthy bodies made to last many healthy years, and the choice of whether to keep them strong and healthy (which is hard) is ours. If the Bible teaches us anything, beginning with Eden, it is that we have the power of choice. Remember what got Adam and Eve evicted? Eating."

What he said reminds me that I might not be happy with what I’m trying to accomplish while I’m trying to accomplish it. But...my happiness isn't necessarily the only point...or even the biggest reason. This is a hard journey. It's a long journey. It's not supposed to be easy or always enjoyable. And what fun is it if I’m just in it for the light at the end of the tunnel? This is a learning process. We learn when we succeed. We learn more when we fail.

God Doesn't Think I'm Fat

The universe is a weird place. I Love how we end up seeing, doing, and being things that it seems we were always meant to see, do, or be. There are times I think that life is just going on without asking ME what I want or what I need but then I come along a book, or a song, or movie, or a news article that says to me...'You are meant to be just where you are right now. You are meant to read this book or watch this movie or hear this song, and it is to remind you of who you are. It is to remind you that you are on your very own road and no one else’s.'

I'm reading a book now called "Eat Pray Love" and before you groan...because it's now one of those books everyone is reading because of the movie...just know they made a movie out of it for a reason...because it is a GOOD book. We most like books that remind us of ourselves, and that is exactly why I like this book. For years I have believed I was alone in my belief of God. Not the actual believing in Him part but the belief that there is more than one way to Him. And while I Love Jesus and I Love his teaching of peace and all of the wonderful messages that are inside of the Bible I just can't call myself a Christian nor can I call myself by any other religious label that claims to be a true religion. In my heart...God is more loving than that. I'll never be able to say...your religion is wrong and mine is right no matter what someone believes. I think any spiritual person would agree that spirituality (even though we share it) is very personal thing that sinks deep deep inside of our soul. And religion means something different to each and every one of us. I just know that God is Love and he Loves me and he Loves you and he Loves even the people on this earth that are easiest to hate.

It's not just about religion, or Jesus, the Pope, Buddha, or church; it's about all of these things tied together and what they teach us about Love and about ourselves. I know that when our spirits rest in "heaven" or whatever the name is for our forever home, we will see so many more faces than we ever expected. God won't be quite as judgmental as so many think. He will not deny his kingdom to people who have chosen not to follow a specific set of religious boundaries. Christians can coexist with Buddhist followers and so on. I realize, however, this idea will be rejected by those who think my idea of God is too "fluffy". In response to that rejection, I simply say that you are wrong. And one day when we're both dead and staring each other in the face you will understand.
   
I've been trying to decipher how all of this relates to my blog or my weight loss journey. I read about 40 pages of this book and I was compelled to write this blog in response to the emotions I have felt. In trying to improve my body I am trying to improve my mind and what it thinks of my body. I also have to admit that I am trying to improve what other minds think of my body. But God doesn't think anything of my body because he doesn't see my body; he only sees my heart. I have never seen God in a clearer light than I do now. 
 

Thank You Jillian Michaels

Are you ready for this? This morning I weighed 194 lbs. Yes!! You have to be careful about how you weigh yourself. The best idea is to do it at the same time of day...morning or night. With or without your clothes doesn't matter much as long as you do it consistently the same way every week. I think naked is probably better just because it's your true weight. Anyhow...that means 2 more lbs for me in one week! I won't really believe any of this until I hit the 189 mark. My weight doesn't fluctuate as much as Charles's does, but depending on what I eat and what I'm wearing and whether or not my hair is wet or if I've just gone to the bathroom...it can range between 2-3 lb difference at different times during the day. I'm proud of myself and I was telling a friend today that it gets a tiny bit easier each day and week that goes by. And that it's important to remember our emotional health as well as our body health. Rather than repeating it, here's what I said:

"I also realize that thin doesn’t always equal healthy which is why my goal isn’t to be thin, it’s just to be a smaller and healthier me. I also think that women lose sight of the real issues. As much as appearance is important to us it really is the person that we are that’s important…so cliché…but I need to look in the mirror more and say, “I’m pretty”…instead of “I hate my thighs…or I hate my gut.”  Being that person, means caring about our bodies and our self esteem at the same time. The longer I do this the tiny bit easier it becomes. Even if I totally fail one day…that’s better than giving up all together like I usually did in the past."


I think in all of this I'm working on my confidence as a person as well because that is...THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUE. I'm learning a lot about food and what's good and what's not. There are calories in everything. And calories by themselves are not the enemy. Fiber bars have fiber in them and so does most fruit...naturally. So what is better for you? The fiber bar or the fruit? Does it matter? Pick the fruit. Fiber bars have fiber but they also have empty calories. It's a man made, put together, concoction of food. Fruit has calories and natural sugar but if it's from the ground, a plant, or a tree...you can bet that it's better for you.As far as exercise goes, I did the Jillian Michaels 25 min workout video 4 times this week. I really have that higher level of activity to thank for my extra pound of weight loss because it was some of my worse days as far as eating went. I still maintained portion control but I wasn't fully thinking about all that I was eating. I can feel my stomach getting smaller though and eating less hasn't been such a struggle because I'm naturally full. I just wonder... if I really do the video everyday and eat better than I ever have...what would that do to the number on my scale? I won't make any promises but I'm going to give it a try this week.


Starting Weight: 197
Last Weeks Weight: 196
Current Weight: 194
Total Time: 2 Weeks

Skinny Witches

The treadmill isn't doing it for me anymore. I tried listening to music, I tried watching TV, but it's just a little boring doing the same thing over and over again every other night. And after losing only a pound I feel like the results will be coming in a little slow. After Monday's weigh in I really felt like giving up. I thought, why did I start this stupid blog? I know it's only the first week but I don't feel like I’m trying hard enough. I should be able to lose 2 lbs. a week. I was surfing our Time Warner On Demand Channels and saw that we have free exercise TV. So instead of doing the boring walk/jog every other night, I can do a Jillian Michaels workout. I did it Tuesday and Wednesday night because it only lasts about 25 minutes. I actually kind of enjoyed it. I did some strength, cardio, and abs. Just when I thought I might die she would switch up the work out to something different. Since it's only a twenty something minute workout there are no breaks but I was sweating more than I did when I was on the treadmill. On top of that my calves are killing me. I feel like a crippled old lady. That always makes it harder to work out the next day, because you're sore from your first workouts. I pushed through it and since they're so short I think I can fit it in every day. My plan is to try it all this week and see if there are better results by Monday.


It's a little hard to take those girls on the workout videos seriously. I'm like, look at her. Really. Why are you even bothering with this 25 minute routine that is barely making you sweat, you evil skinny witch. But that's pretty rude of me. Our weight partially has to do with our genetics and it's true that some people can just eat what they want and always be thin. I was not blessed with those genetics and I’ve learned that skinny does not equal healthy. The skinny witches in the video didn't get abs or triceps like that by eating Big Macs and doing 30 minute exercises every other day. They worked really hard to look the way they do.


But I don't want a six pack, I don't want muscle man arms, and I don't want killer quads. I just want to fit into a single digit size pair of jeans and lower my risk of heart disease and cancer. I want to be a way less ripped version of the skinny witches that are motivating me to do just one more jumping jack. But I’m just a little jealous, don't mind me.