My Hero

Currently, my friend Alisha, is my hero. I hope she doesn’t mind me putting her in the spotlight here…but she is awesome. I’m a bad friend because I can’t remember the exact number…but she has lost anywhere from 60-80 lbs. Can you imagine!? Every time I see her I just remind her that she is like this shrinking woman. She’s smaller every time we hang out. She really inspires me to just stay motivated. If I want it, I can have it…I just have to do it.

She’s told me that her secret is just smaller portions, healthier food, and exercise (Zumba to be precise). Sounds easy right? I don’t know how many times now I’ve seen her turn down foods like cake and buttered popcorn. And she’s always carrying around some kind of snack or drink with her like water and grapes.
So yesterday, with this new job possibility in mind and inspiration from Alisha, I got back on the treadmill and ran/walked a mile. Then I did a few other more specific exercises. Yeah, I’ve been slacking. But exercising felt good…really good. Today I’m eating lunch with an awesome friend (Aryn!) at Sweet Tomato…so I’m not worried about temptation because they have the most awesome salad bar ever!

I’m not going to think about the whole dieting thing too hard because I always sabotage myself.  I’m just going to take it day by day and think about all the wonderful feelings I will feel should I reach my goal and be a better me by next summer. Wish me motivation!

Try, Try, Try Again

Let me just say this for anyone who has no idea what it feels like to be over-weight: It sucks. It sucks the way getting socks on Christmas sucks...if Christmas happened everyday. It's like constantly having a huge white zit in the middle of your forehead that you can't pop and everybody is staring at it. Except when you're over- weight ... it's your whole body they're staring at.

I know it seems like I'm exxaggerating, and I am a little because I'm not like super obese ...I'm just a chunky girl. I'm okay with saying that. I'm okay with being that. But according to the world...either you're thin or your not. For example: I went to see my sister at her work McDonalds in St. Louis last weekend. I walked up to the counter to ask for her.

Me: Can you tell Katie her sister is here to see her?
Girl at the counter: Which Katie?
Me: Katie Weiser.
Girl at the counter: Ummm....Skinny Katie?
Me. Yeah I guess.
My Friend Mike to me: Well I'd sure hate to be the Fat Katie.

I'm sure we are all guilty of this type of description, and be it an accurate description it still seems odd to me that we resort to this kind of adjective when describing a person in the company of 20 other people. And being the self conscience person that I am I have to ask myself, what adjectives do people use to describe me? Of course it shouldn't matter. We have to learn to be okay with ourselves. If your fat, or thin, or have acne, or wide hips, whatever it is...we are all uncomfortable with a part of ourselves. But I am growing increasingly uncomfortable with my chunkyness. Like I said...it sucks.

This is a little personal...but I don't care...I got an IUD in December last year so that I could stop taking the pill. And yesterday I went back to the doctor to remove the IUD and get back on the pill. Long story short, the pill I was taking really helped to control my acne breakouts and apparently my appetite. I learned that I have gained 7 lbs since I had the IUD put in...and stopped the pill.

Doctor: So you think you're gaining weight because of the IUD?
Me: Yeah and my skin is really bothering me more than usual.
Doctor. Right. Well you never know with these things. It can affect all women in a different way.
Me: Right.
Doctor: I'm not saying that your weight gain doesn't have to do in part with the IUD but you're at a period in your life now where...
Me (with my hand in the air trying to stop her from explaining what I already knew she was going to say): Oh no no. I'm not blaming it ALL on the IUD. I really think it is just making it easier for me to eat more. I have a bigger appetite.
Doctor: Good frame of mind.

So there you have it. This blog started out as a tool to help me in my journey to lose weight and I have gained 7 lbs. FAIL. But like i've said before...I knew it could happen and it isn't over until I give up. It seems crazy sometimes when I look at it. Some women need to loose a hundred or two hundred lbs to be healthy. That is a huge number of lbs that I can't IMAGINE trying to get rid of. I only need to lose about 50 to be healthy...and pretty dang cute. I could accomplish that kind of number in 6 months...if I could just get over myself. It really seems like such a small thing but it feels SO hard. My relationship with food is a whole other blog post.

I guess it's one tiny step at a time. Today I did really well for breakfast and lunch...so bring on the dinner.

A Short and Sorry Update

I'm back! Okay so this blogging thing only about my weight loss is not working. All I can think about is losing weight so I can blog about it for anyone who's reading and it's having the opposite affect on me then you would think. I've been ignoring you for how many days now and didn't even post about my weight on last Monday because I haven't been trying. I don't know what it is about me or my brain but this is too much pressure.

This doesn't mean that I'm not going to blog. I love to blog because it's therapeutic. This doesn't mean that I’m not going to keep trying or that I’ve given up. I'm not giving up and I'm still going to keep you updated. This week I just bought a ton of veggies and fruit and almonds and I plan on munching them all week.

I want my blog to be a little broader. I want it to be more like a diary but still focused. I’ll have to think on it. My weight is only 1% of who I am and I’m tired of talking about it and thinking about it and then blogging about it. There’s many aspects of my life I want to improve. As I read this, it totally sounds like a cop out. But like I said, I’m still going to keep you updated and I’m still learning and trying. And besides, you have to admit it’s a little boring just to read about my weight, right? More to come. 

P.S. Abby-I loved your blog about food and how God gives us clues. Sometimes I wish you could mentor me on health.

Katy- I miss you and love your blog and it inspires me to read more and be more active in life!
Sorry for putting those comments here but sometimes my blog won’t let me comment! It’s weird.

In the Dark, Shines a Tiny Victory

So as you know I didn't do very well at keeping up with my exercise routine last week...and this week isn't much better. But I have been more aware of what I'm eating and drinking and I've been making better choices about my diet, what it consists of, and how much I'm eating. It's getting easier...really. And while exercise is important and I have no one to blame but myself for not doing it as much as I should ...diet is key.

Yesterday, in the morning...I saw the number 192 on my scale! I still weigh more in the evening. It must be a gravity pulling all day on your body thing. But I haven't seen 192 in awhile so my body must be changing slightly. Better yet, this morning while trying to decide what to wear on Jeans Day at work...I decided to try on an old pair that fit me before I got pregnant with Hudson. I remember thinking back about trying them on last time after I THOUGHT I had lost all my baby weight and being so upset when I couldn't get them over my hips...let alone trying to button them. This morning I just wished so much that I could wear a cute pair of old jeans again... so I tried them on again even though I knew they wouldn't fit because I didn't feel like my body was any different than it was then.

They fit. Not only did they fit...they fit well. I didn't even have to squeeze or grunt or suck in. I feel great today. I feel so good. Yay me.

Happy Failure

Consider this week a failed week. There I said it. It was hard to say. I almost didn't blog at all. I almost decided to ignore my blog for the rest of time all because I failed. I have not gained the weight back but I have not lost additional weight either. In my defense I've been sick since Wednesday, but in my prosecution...I have not exercised once...not one stupid time. I plain gave up.

I read somewhere today about the "I can't" complex. People say; I can't eat healthy, I can't lose weight, I can't run a mile, I can't go without pop, I can't stop eating fast food, and so on.  This applies to many areas of our lives. But this complex is dumb.

I can't predict lottery numbers. I can't grow wings and fly. I can't make money grow on the trees in my back yard. I can't make people read my blog. I can't convince my husband to lay off pork rinds. These are all things that better belong in the "I can't" category.

"I can't lose weight," is not a true statement because I can lose weight. All of us can. I want to say that a better statement might be "I don't want to lose weight." But that's not true either. I do want to lose weight. Maybe the statement is simply that... It's hard to lose weight and I'm having a hard time. It's hard to sacrifice.
After my last post, about God and my body, I talked it over with a previous professor of mine. He said some curious things to me.

"How many religions consider gluttony a sin? Why in religion is the hard path always the one we're supposed to take? Why is fasting more sacred than feasting? If the body is a temple, who designed it with such soft walls? What marketing forces in our culture "prey" (couldn't resist the pun) on body images, pro or con?"


"For me it isn't about "accepting ourselves." It is about realizing that most of us were given strong healthy bodies made to last many healthy years, and the choice of whether to keep them strong and healthy (which is hard) is ours. If the Bible teaches us anything, beginning with Eden, it is that we have the power of choice. Remember what got Adam and Eve evicted? Eating."

What he said reminds me that I might not be happy with what I’m trying to accomplish while I’m trying to accomplish it. But...my happiness isn't necessarily the only point...or even the biggest reason. This is a hard journey. It's a long journey. It's not supposed to be easy or always enjoyable. And what fun is it if I’m just in it for the light at the end of the tunnel? This is a learning process. We learn when we succeed. We learn more when we fail.

God Doesn't Think I'm Fat

The universe is a weird place. I Love how we end up seeing, doing, and being things that it seems we were always meant to see, do, or be. There are times I think that life is just going on without asking ME what I want or what I need but then I come along a book, or a song, or movie, or a news article that says to me...'You are meant to be just where you are right now. You are meant to read this book or watch this movie or hear this song, and it is to remind you of who you are. It is to remind you that you are on your very own road and no one else’s.'

I'm reading a book now called "Eat Pray Love" and before you groan...because it's now one of those books everyone is reading because of the movie...just know they made a movie out of it for a reason...because it is a GOOD book. We most like books that remind us of ourselves, and that is exactly why I like this book. For years I have believed I was alone in my belief of God. Not the actual believing in Him part but the belief that there is more than one way to Him. And while I Love Jesus and I Love his teaching of peace and all of the wonderful messages that are inside of the Bible I just can't call myself a Christian nor can I call myself by any other religious label that claims to be a true religion. In my heart...God is more loving than that. I'll never be able to say...your religion is wrong and mine is right no matter what someone believes. I think any spiritual person would agree that spirituality (even though we share it) is very personal thing that sinks deep deep inside of our soul. And religion means something different to each and every one of us. I just know that God is Love and he Loves me and he Loves you and he Loves even the people on this earth that are easiest to hate.

It's not just about religion, or Jesus, the Pope, Buddha, or church; it's about all of these things tied together and what they teach us about Love and about ourselves. I know that when our spirits rest in "heaven" or whatever the name is for our forever home, we will see so many more faces than we ever expected. God won't be quite as judgmental as so many think. He will not deny his kingdom to people who have chosen not to follow a specific set of religious boundaries. Christians can coexist with Buddhist followers and so on. I realize, however, this idea will be rejected by those who think my idea of God is too "fluffy". In response to that rejection, I simply say that you are wrong. And one day when we're both dead and staring each other in the face you will understand.
   
I've been trying to decipher how all of this relates to my blog or my weight loss journey. I read about 40 pages of this book and I was compelled to write this blog in response to the emotions I have felt. In trying to improve my body I am trying to improve my mind and what it thinks of my body. I also have to admit that I am trying to improve what other minds think of my body. But God doesn't think anything of my body because he doesn't see my body; he only sees my heart. I have never seen God in a clearer light than I do now. 
 

Thank You Jillian Michaels

Are you ready for this? This morning I weighed 194 lbs. Yes!! You have to be careful about how you weigh yourself. The best idea is to do it at the same time of day...morning or night. With or without your clothes doesn't matter much as long as you do it consistently the same way every week. I think naked is probably better just because it's your true weight. Anyhow...that means 2 more lbs for me in one week! I won't really believe any of this until I hit the 189 mark. My weight doesn't fluctuate as much as Charles's does, but depending on what I eat and what I'm wearing and whether or not my hair is wet or if I've just gone to the bathroom...it can range between 2-3 lb difference at different times during the day. I'm proud of myself and I was telling a friend today that it gets a tiny bit easier each day and week that goes by. And that it's important to remember our emotional health as well as our body health. Rather than repeating it, here's what I said:

"I also realize that thin doesn’t always equal healthy which is why my goal isn’t to be thin, it’s just to be a smaller and healthier me. I also think that women lose sight of the real issues. As much as appearance is important to us it really is the person that we are that’s important…so cliché…but I need to look in the mirror more and say, “I’m pretty”…instead of “I hate my thighs…or I hate my gut.”  Being that person, means caring about our bodies and our self esteem at the same time. The longer I do this the tiny bit easier it becomes. Even if I totally fail one day…that’s better than giving up all together like I usually did in the past."


I think in all of this I'm working on my confidence as a person as well because that is...THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUE. I'm learning a lot about food and what's good and what's not. There are calories in everything. And calories by themselves are not the enemy. Fiber bars have fiber in them and so does most fruit...naturally. So what is better for you? The fiber bar or the fruit? Does it matter? Pick the fruit. Fiber bars have fiber but they also have empty calories. It's a man made, put together, concoction of food. Fruit has calories and natural sugar but if it's from the ground, a plant, or a tree...you can bet that it's better for you.As far as exercise goes, I did the Jillian Michaels 25 min workout video 4 times this week. I really have that higher level of activity to thank for my extra pound of weight loss because it was some of my worse days as far as eating went. I still maintained portion control but I wasn't fully thinking about all that I was eating. I can feel my stomach getting smaller though and eating less hasn't been such a struggle because I'm naturally full. I just wonder... if I really do the video everyday and eat better than I ever have...what would that do to the number on my scale? I won't make any promises but I'm going to give it a try this week.


Starting Weight: 197
Last Weeks Weight: 196
Current Weight: 194
Total Time: 2 Weeks

Skinny Witches

The treadmill isn't doing it for me anymore. I tried listening to music, I tried watching TV, but it's just a little boring doing the same thing over and over again every other night. And after losing only a pound I feel like the results will be coming in a little slow. After Monday's weigh in I really felt like giving up. I thought, why did I start this stupid blog? I know it's only the first week but I don't feel like I’m trying hard enough. I should be able to lose 2 lbs. a week. I was surfing our Time Warner On Demand Channels and saw that we have free exercise TV. So instead of doing the boring walk/jog every other night, I can do a Jillian Michaels workout. I did it Tuesday and Wednesday night because it only lasts about 25 minutes. I actually kind of enjoyed it. I did some strength, cardio, and abs. Just when I thought I might die she would switch up the work out to something different. Since it's only a twenty something minute workout there are no breaks but I was sweating more than I did when I was on the treadmill. On top of that my calves are killing me. I feel like a crippled old lady. That always makes it harder to work out the next day, because you're sore from your first workouts. I pushed through it and since they're so short I think I can fit it in every day. My plan is to try it all this week and see if there are better results by Monday.


It's a little hard to take those girls on the workout videos seriously. I'm like, look at her. Really. Why are you even bothering with this 25 minute routine that is barely making you sweat, you evil skinny witch. But that's pretty rude of me. Our weight partially has to do with our genetics and it's true that some people can just eat what they want and always be thin. I was not blessed with those genetics and I’ve learned that skinny does not equal healthy. The skinny witches in the video didn't get abs or triceps like that by eating Big Macs and doing 30 minute exercises every other day. They worked really hard to look the way they do.


But I don't want a six pack, I don't want muscle man arms, and I don't want killer quads. I just want to fit into a single digit size pair of jeans and lower my risk of heart disease and cancer. I want to be a way less ripped version of the skinny witches that are motivating me to do just one more jumping jack. But I’m just a little jealous, don't mind me.

Well, it's a Start...

The first week was not as easy as I had hoped. There was temptation, there was sugar, there was salt. Some of it I avoided...and some of it I didn't. All in all, today is my one week mark and I now weigh 196. That's hard for me to admit. I was really hoping for 2 lbs. I'm still proud of myself since I worked out all the days I wanted to and I thought about every single bite I put into my mouth.


I have realized that I don't want to give up cookies or pizza or other foods like that completely. And that I probably couldn't if I tried. But if I wanted a piece of pizza, I had one, not three...and that's a step in the right direction.  When I felt like I failed...I reminded myself that this is a process and I won't turn into a skinny bitch overnight (No offense to skinny people :)). I still ate more fruit and more salad and less junk food. I decreased my portions and made conscience decisions about what went into my mouth. I knew the consequences of eating pieces of cantaloupe vs. a bag of M&Ms. The more aware I become about food, the better decisions I will begin to make.


I have also realized that not everyone is so supportive and it's hard to make decisions when everywhere you look is not so healthy food. It's difficult to order a salad when on the same menu is chicken crispers or a monte cristo. Oh man, is it hard. But it's possible. And it's also okay to have those foods once in a while once you've earned it and learned to control yourself.


So a pound is a pound and I can be grateful for that. It wouldn't hurt me to kick things up a gear..but If it takes me 40 weeks to lose 40 lbs then that's not so awful either.


For a minute, lets forget about all the tiny problems in my life and think about all those that lost their lives in Japan, and the many still living and left to wonder how to put their lives back together again. Entire villages were swept away. Help the Redcross to help Japan and text redcross to 90999. 


Well, it's Monday. I better hit the treadmill.

Wendy's BLT Salad...You Suck.

Yesterday, on my way home from work Charles called and insisted that I should pick something up for dinner. I moaned and groaned and told him that I'm not doing that anymore. "I really mean it this time! I'm going to try so hard and I'm not giving up this early!" Needless to say, Subway wasn't good enough for him so I went to Wendy's on the way home.

Wait! Don't give up on me yet! I smelled those Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers from blocks away. I could almost taste those sea salt fries. I wanted a coke so freaking bad. I have never gone through a fast food drive-through and been able to pass up the temptation. But guess what? I did it. I ordered myself a salad with avocado ranch and a grilled chicken wrap. It was the most terrible salad I've ever eaten in my life and the wrap sucked too. For that, I was pissed off the rest of the day. They were so gross I ate about half of each. To curb my craving I finished the night off with one of those Smart Choices deserts.


What is the good news here you say? Well, I learned something. My emotions are all tied up in what I eat. I acted like such a brat the entire night all because I wasn't satisfied with my dinner. I don't want food to control me or how I feel. Besides that, I did it. I didn't buy a burger and fries, I didn't order a coke, and I didn't have an 800 calorie dinner. I said no...and if I can say no once then I can do it again and again. That doesn't mean I have to keep eating crap that tastes like that salad did...I generally like salads. I just have to explore the world of healthy food a little more each day.


In Wendy's defense, they are making some attempt to better their food choices. The fries are covered with sea salt now, which is good for your colon, I hear. The meat is apparently never frozen, and they offer alternative sides and a decent selection of salads (Don't eat the BLT...ICK). I truly believe that we will one day see a world where eating anything but health food will be taboo...just the way smoking has become taboo. If it's not beneficial for your health...don't smoke it, don't drink it, and don't eat it. Obesity is not just a personal problem, it's a problem with our culture. We have to share the blame, and work together to come up with a solution.

Day One is Over...Whew.

I probably won't post anything this often from now on but since it's day one I wanted to come back and say that I did it! I started off the day by eating a bowl of Special K, apple slices, and piece of cheese. I had lunch at Mr. Goodcents with Briana. I had smaller portions of speghetti with corn and a slice of garlic cheese bread for dinner. I got on the treadmill and did about a mile of fast walking with incline. I did a lot of stretching and 30 full sit ups. It's a start. Yay me! Here are a few of the guidelines I'm going to follow:

1. Lots of Water and no no no pop. I might still have some unsweetened iced tea and my favorite 100% no sugar added grape juice. I am a coke addict. This will be hard!

2. No fast food. Hello to Subway and goodbye to Burger King.

3. Smaller portions. Sometimes it's easy to over indulge. I think that we all can pretty much eat the things we love here and there if we just control our portions.

4. No fried foods. Oh my...this part will be hard. Very very hard.

5. More fruits and vegetables.

6. Positive attitude. This will never work if I don't develop reasons to enjoy it. The more I eat right foods the more I will develop a taste for them.

7. Light on the sugar...both fake and real. My advice to anyone reading this is that if you're going to have something sweet you might as well buy the real deal. Diet pop is bad for you, maybe worse than non diet. I have no problem in this area. I can ALWAYS tell the difference between something that has real sugar and something that is fake. Even snacks like Yoplait nonfat yogurt contain an artificial sweetener called Aspartame...which has been linked to cancer.

8. Exercise. I will do physical activity every other day for an hour and more on the weekends when I have the opportunity.I think I had a couple more but this is all I can think of right now. Let me know if anyone has some simple tips when it comes to being healthier. I'm all ears.

I want to set a goal for myself but I'm nervous that even if I stick with it I won't quite reach the "number" that I was hoping for. I think I will set one anyway and if I reach it, then great. If not...it still counts that I'm on my way and much closer to it. I'll weigh myself every week and blog at least that much.

Monday March 7th, 2011.Current weight: 197

On September 7th 2011 I hope to weigh: 157 lbs. And if it's warm enough still I'm buying a swim suit and going to the pool. I promise not all of my posts will be this boring . I mostly plan to write about how this process makes me feel. Thanks for reading.

Ready, Start, GO! No really, GO! Seriously, I said Go.

My Idea:

This blogging thing has me really thinking about what to
blog about.  I should probably blog about something I care about. I’m afraid to blog about this subject because it has FAILURE written all over it. I know because I’ve failed several times before
and I’m just not ready to fail again. I think now is a good opportunity though
because Charles…my hubby… is starting to care about it too and while I have him
on board I need to get this ship started. I need to be the leader. I think I’m
going to blog about weight loss and the journey that surrounds it. Ho hum…I know.
But there is a difference between now and then…when I’ve tried it before. Now I
care more about my health than my looks. Now I don’t really care what other
people think of the way I look I just care about how being overweight makes me
feel. Now Charles has gone to the doctor and he has some pretty borderline
blood pressure, cholesterol, and diabetes numbers to look out for. Now I have
to think about what I’m teaching my kids. Dr. Oz says that a person can reverse
their overall health completely if they just devote three months to healthy
exercising and eating.

Today is Monday and Monday is a perfect day to start my….journey.
I DO NOT and WILL NOT call it a diet. The word diet suggests that a person is depriving themselves. Healthy living is about training your brain to know that carrots…even with ranch… are a
better snack then triple fudge Hershey’s brownies. It’s about making the
decision to go to Subway instead of McDonalds. It’s about cooking a healthy
meal at home even when you would rather just order a pizza.

 

My Problem:

I swear on all that is good that I would already have
started this journey long enough ago that I would be a size nine by now if it
was not for the fact that I am a working mother and wife. Don’t believe me all
you want to but I have no time. Exercising and preparing well thought out meals
equals less time than I already have with my family. That may not be an issue
for some mothers but it is such a huge guilt factor for me.  I have to figure out a way that is healthy
for all of us both physically and emotionally. I have to find a way that doesn’t
deprive me of any more sleep or take very much time away from my kids on week
nights. Charles and I can never work out together until the kids are old enough
to do it with us so we just have to be on separate time plans. We can all eat
healthy meals together at the table but exercising is a different story. The
best plan I have come up with so far is that Charles and I can alternate every
other night. Tonight I will use the treadmill and exercise in the basement for
one hour and tomorrow he can. We can do this Monday through Friday and then
squeeze in whatever we can on Saturday and Sunday…which hopefully is more since
we have more time.

My Beginning:

Today is day one. Today is the hardest day to get through. I
have to prove to myself that I have the motivation to go downstairs and get on
that treadmill and finish my hour. I have to remember that this isn’t just for
me, it’s for all of us. I know retirement is a stupid thing to look forward too
when you’re 23 years old but I do look forward to it and I would like Charles to
be there with me to enjoy it. His dad was 62 when he died of cancer and heart
problems. He had just retired. My name is Ashley and I weight 197 lbs. I wear a
size 16/17. I will get smaller. I will get healthier. I will be the best me
that I can be.