Enjoy The Show

This is my current song obsession. It’s fun to listen to…and it is SO me. I can't link to youtube from work...sorry.

“Show” – Lenka

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

Slow it down
Make it stop--
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not

I'm a fool
Out of love
'Cause I just can't get enough

I am just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

The sun is hot
In the sky
Just like a giant spotlight
The people follow the signs
And synchronize in time
It's a joke
Nobody knows
They've got a ticket to that show
Yeah

Just enjoy the show

I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back


I also recomend listening to "Lullaby" by the Dixie Chicks if you have little ones...or want little ones. "How long do you wanna be loved? Is forever enough... Cause I'm never ever giving you up." Oh how I miss my little monsters.

They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

Try, Try, Try Again

Let me just say this for anyone who has no idea what it feels like to be over-weight: It sucks. It sucks the way getting socks on Christmas sucks...if Christmas happened everyday. It's like constantly having a huge white zit in the middle of your forehead that you can't pop and everybody is staring at it. Except when you're over- weight ... it's your whole body they're staring at.

I know it seems like I'm exxaggerating, and I am a little because I'm not like super obese ...I'm just a chunky girl. I'm okay with saying that. I'm okay with being that. But according to the world...either you're thin or your not. For example: I went to see my sister at her work McDonalds in St. Louis last weekend. I walked up to the counter to ask for her.

Me: Can you tell Katie her sister is here to see her?
Girl at the counter: Which Katie?
Me: Katie Weiser.
Girl at the counter: Ummm....Skinny Katie?
Me. Yeah I guess.
My Friend Mike to me: Well I'd sure hate to be the Fat Katie.

I'm sure we are all guilty of this type of description, and be it an accurate description it still seems odd to me that we resort to this kind of adjective when describing a person in the company of 20 other people. And being the self conscience person that I am I have to ask myself, what adjectives do people use to describe me? Of course it shouldn't matter. We have to learn to be okay with ourselves. If your fat, or thin, or have acne, or wide hips, whatever it is...we are all uncomfortable with a part of ourselves. But I am growing increasingly uncomfortable with my chunkyness. Like I said...it sucks.

This is a little personal...but I don't care...I got an IUD in December last year so that I could stop taking the pill. And yesterday I went back to the doctor to remove the IUD and get back on the pill. Long story short, the pill I was taking really helped to control my acne breakouts and apparently my appetite. I learned that I have gained 7 lbs since I had the IUD put in...and stopped the pill.

Doctor: So you think you're gaining weight because of the IUD?
Me: Yeah and my skin is really bothering me more than usual.
Doctor. Right. Well you never know with these things. It can affect all women in a different way.
Me: Right.
Doctor: I'm not saying that your weight gain doesn't have to do in part with the IUD but you're at a period in your life now where...
Me (with my hand in the air trying to stop her from explaining what I already knew she was going to say): Oh no no. I'm not blaming it ALL on the IUD. I really think it is just making it easier for me to eat more. I have a bigger appetite.
Doctor: Good frame of mind.

So there you have it. This blog started out as a tool to help me in my journey to lose weight and I have gained 7 lbs. FAIL. But like i've said before...I knew it could happen and it isn't over until I give up. It seems crazy sometimes when I look at it. Some women need to loose a hundred or two hundred lbs to be healthy. That is a huge number of lbs that I can't IMAGINE trying to get rid of. I only need to lose about 50 to be healthy...and pretty dang cute. I could accomplish that kind of number in 6 months...if I could just get over myself. It really seems like such a small thing but it feels SO hard. My relationship with food is a whole other blog post.

I guess it's one tiny step at a time. Today I did really well for breakfast and lunch...so bring on the dinner.

Holy Tomato

I know nothing about planting but this spring I decided to put seeds in the ground to see if they would grow. Thank goodness for my husband who waters them religiously. I am a forgetful plant mother. (Isn't it enough that I have to water two human children? And feed them too!) I planted 6 tomato and 4 cantaloupe plants. And what do you know...2 of the tomato plants grew and so did one of the cantaloupe plants. I don't have much hope for the cantaloupe plant. It is such an awesome fruit and there is just no way my "garden" will be good enough for it...I will keep you posted. However, the tomato plants grew pretty tall and LOOK...my first little tomato. If it's the only one that grows, I will be the happiest Gardner ever.

My plan for next year is to dig out the entire left side of my house which is currently half flower bed, half garden, fill it with better soil, and make it a full garden...since it seems to be so good at growing things. I haven't had any problems from the rabbits yet...but I hope that my little wooden fence is enough to deter them.

My Sissy

Friday, after a possible career move failed and turned into a road trip, I ended up in St. Louis. I did not wake up that morning thinking I would be in St. Louis but my sister lives there and we (Alisha, Mike and myself) decided to visit her. I am stupid and forgot to take a picture of us together...duh...but here is my sister and her girlfriend.

My sister and I have had a difficult time understanding eachother in the past but there is no doubt how much we love eachother. Visiting her gave me a better perspective on her life and how hard she has actually been working on making it better. My hope for her is that she is strong enough to hold a vision and walk towards it until she can hold it in her hands. It doesn't matter how long it takes, if she just keeps walking forward. That's what we all have to do, right?


When it comes to her, I like to play the role of Mother more than she likes. But I'm getting better at just letting her live and make her own mistakes. I wouldn't listen to me either, so why should she? As much as I want to be...I have to tell myself...I am not her life coach. Over time we are bound to fail less and less.

I love you Katie, and I'm so proud of you for holding it together for a year now in a big city. Hard roads lead to great destinations if you follow through.

It Is Easier to Do Nothing

Today I read a little blog post  titled Focus (http://pingandpal.blogspot.com) by my great friend Katy...and it has inspired me to write this blog post.

She shared three questions that we should use to help guide us in life:

1.  What is the most important thing to you in your personal life?
2.  What is the most important thing to you in your current job or future career?
3.  What is the change you want to see in the world? Honestly, what do you want to leave behind?

I think these are so on target. I too, am facing some decisions and change in my life right now and often have panic attacks at the thought of change...good or bad. I don't want to disappoint people and I don't want to make the wrong decisions. I need to realize that it's inevitable and I should do what's best for me and my family regardless of those fears. It's not even time to make any decisions and I'm already sweating.

Sometimes I feel like a flake for my need to constantly search for a more meaningful road in life. Why can't I be happy with what I do? Why can't I accept things the way they are? I am blessed. Why push it? Then comes the guilt. On the other hand, I get angry at other people who don't have the balls to make any life decisions at all. It is easier to do nothing then to do something great. So that's what most people do...nothing. I've been guilty of it too. All I know is that I went to college to accomplish a dream. I went to college to be unlike my family. I want to enjoy all hours of my day and have a direct impact on someone or something that needs my help. It sounds selfish almost...saying I me my me want want want. And part of it is selfish...I want to be happy. But the other part of me wants to contribute to the important issues of the world...or atleast of Missouri... so I can know it's a little better with me here. It's sounds trite...but I believe in a greater good and I think it's not right for any of us to leave this world without contributing to a greater good. 

The lesson I need to learn here is to slow down and make decisions slowly and thoughtfully. I'm the person who writes blogs too fast, gives presents too soon, and judges too quickly. I'm good at listening to other people but maybe not so good at listening and being patient with what's right in front of me. I want to reach out and grab things so quickly but often misjudge their distance.

So this is me...slowing down...taking a breath. It's a terrible thing in life when you avoid the questions around you. Say yes or say no, but remember to say something when you're ready. The questions won't go away unless you address them.

Not Guilty?

I am the first person to get annoyed at the people who have be the first ones to post the latest pop culture breaking news. I have several friends on Facebook who had their fingers waiting to be the first person to comment on the Casey Anthony verdict. Well today I was sort of one of those people. I wasn't waiting to update my status but I was waiting and wanting to know the verdict the second it was read. I have been following the Casey Anthony case since I first heard the 911 call on TV three years ago and it touched my heart because Caylee was nearly the same age as Briana.

Well our constitution has spoken, the jury has spoken, and Casey Anthony was given her fair trial. The verdict: Not guilty on all charges except false information. I am disappointed and sad for Caylee as many many are. I wish she could be here still and still have a voice. I won't say much because it's over now, but the bottom line is that Caylee was missing 31 entire days before Casey told anyone. That's the only fact I need to know to know she's guilty.

I respect our justice system and think the jury didn't have enough information and/or the state should have tried for 2nd degree instead of 1st. And now, Casey is free to walk the streets of Florida. I accept the possibility that I don't know the entire story because I didn't live it. I also accept that my opinion doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I am not perfect and someday I will be judged. I know God loves us all and the only comfort I have through death is knowing the victim isn't suffering anymore. But we are suffering through her. Caylee's grandma and grandpa are suffering. I believe there is a special place after death for people who hurt children and may the person who did this, find that special place.

I'm sad today for Caylee, and for all the other babies who will never have a voice.

Be as a Bird

These are some hard times. A hard time is the best time to believe in yourself.

"Be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her, still she sings away all the same, knowing she has wings." -Victor Hugo